How Soul Mates Are Found
by SuperMegaFoxyAwesomeHot2001
Summary: The story of how Lily Evans and James Potter fell in love, but its not as easy as some people make love to be; there are many problems heading their way: James' arrogance and his involvement with The Marauders, Severus' eternal love and friendship and Lily's defiance and pride. Marriage Law included. Rated M for strong language, later "suggestive" scenes and sex references.
1. The Doe meets the Stag

**A/N: I own nothing! The characters, plot, lots of the quotes and the whole concept is owned by the wonderful J K Rowling. Please read and review if you have a few seconds to spare. The story gets more exciting as it goes on, promise. But then again, I'm biased. **

**By the way: the whole diary format is temporary! I literally use it for this chapter, the next and in the twenty-something chapter.**

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><p><span>Lily's P.O.V<span>

Dear Diary,

My mother told me to get a diary to write in whilst I'm at school, so here it is. She appears to think I'll need something to vent to. Today was my first day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. My whole family came to King's Cross station, even Tuney. Sev didn't come with me though; I suppose his mother took him. I certainly hope his dad didn't. Anyway, Tuney knows that Sev and I saw the letter she sent to Professor Dumbledore and now she's twice as upset with me. I know Tuney was jealous but now she thinks I'm a freak and that Hogwarts is a school for mad people. It doesn't bother me really; at least it shouldn't bother me.

I found a compartment on the train and Sev found me, which was nice. I was crying though, because Tuney hates me and she said some really nasty things at the station. He is a good friend; he did tell me that I should be in Slytherin but he was only looking out for me.

"You'd better be in Slytherin." Sev said. Naturally, I was confused.

"Slytherin?"

"Who wants to be in Slytherin?" the boy who had been sitting across from us who had been previously occupied by looking out the window turned to the boy next to him. "I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?"

"My whole family have been in Slytherin," the boy sitting next to him said.

"Blimey, and I thought you seemed all right!"

The boy sitting next to him grinned.

"Maybe I'll break the tradition. Where are you heading, if you've got the choice?"

The boy sitting opposite us lifts an imaginary sword and I remember thinking he was an idiot- which he is- by the way.

"'_Gryffindor, where dwell the brave at heart!' _Like my dad."

Severus made a snorting sound and I wondered what was wrong with Gryffindor. The boy across from us glared at Sev, clearly insulted.

"Got a problem with that?"

"No," Sev said, although he did sneer unattractively. This, I think, is why Tuney doesn't like him. "If you'd rather be brawny than brainy-"

"Where're you hoping to go, seeing as you're neither?" the other boy interjects.

I scowled at him, but the Gryffindor boy roared with hysterical laughter. By this point, I had had enough. They had no right to insult Sev, the immature gits.

"Come on Severus, let's find another compartment." I had tried to keep my voice commanding.

The two of them mocked my tone and the Gryffindor boy even had the nerve to laugh at me. I stalked out and Severus tripped over one of their feet.

"See ya, Snivellus."

When we got out, I muttered every curse I could think of. Even though Sev was trying to hide it, I can always tell when he's upset.

"Don't listen to them Sev. They're just immature idiotic buffoons; you're twice the man they are." I had told him.

Sev gave me a wry smile and I knew that he was okay. We did find another compartment which only had two other girls in it, Marlene and Alice. They're really nice and are now my friends. You'd think the rest of the day was trouble-free, but those stupid boys on the train? I saw them _again _when Hagrid told us to get into fours to go across the boats. I tried to find Sev but I was pushed from behind into a boat and landed on my face.

"Watch it!"

"Sorry, didn't see you there."

That was when I recognised the boy, it was the Gryffindor boy. One of his mates I hadn't seen before had sat next to me and he's quite nice. I glared at the Gryffindor boy.

"My, my, is this fate?" Gryffindor boy looked me up and down (the creep) and then turned to his friend whom he had sat next to on the train.

"I dunno James, you tell me."

"What are the chances of seeing Snivellus' saviour again, in _our_ boat, no less?"

"Second to none, I'd say. How is your mate Snivellus?"

"Don't call him that."

"Then what can we call him?"

"By his _name_."

"You're no fun," the boy sitting next to Gryffindor boy said.

"Come on guys, leave the poor girl alone," the boy sitting next to me said.

"Relax, Remus, it's only Snivellus I'm tormenting." Gryffindor boy laughed, making me scowl harder. He pushed his hand through his already messed up black hair and the sheer arrogance of the gesture still sickens me to the bone.

"I'm James Potter, by the way." He held out his hand.

"The only way I'd be shaking your hand was if someone had controlled me with the _Imperious _curse." I snapped at him. I thought that come-back was pretty good.

Potter laughed harder, his mate joined in.

"Snivellus been teaching you curses, has he?" Potter's mate said.

"That's none of your business," I had retorted.

"I'll bet he has, we'll have to have a word with him, won't we James? Tell him not to poison innocent minds."

All three of them laughed, but the one sitting next to me didn't. Not really.

"Why did Snivellus make friends with you? I thought Muggle-borns were beneath him." Potter's friend mused.

"Severus told me it didn't matter what my blood heritage was."

"Oh did he now?" Potter's friend shook his head.

"So it does matter?"

"No!" Potter had said quickly. "Well, it matters to some people but those sorts of people aren't the people you'll want to make friends with."

"Why? Because I'm beneath them or something?"

"Not at all," the boy sitting next to me had said. "Some Pureblood families, families where nobody is Muggle-born, they believe that magic should be given to only those of Pureblood. It's a load of nonsense, of course. I mean loads of the best witches and wizards have been Muggle-borns. Maybe you'll be the next."

I had beamed at him, because it was a lovely thing to say. I can't imagine why Sev didn't tell me all this before.

"I'm Sirius Black," Black didn't bother to hold out his hand, he did give me, however, what I'm sure he thought was a flattering smirk.

"I'm Remus Lupin."

Remus I like but I definitely don't like Potter and Black. They're too big-headed for my liking.

"Aren't you going to tell us you name?" Potter had demanded.

"Lily Evans."

The boats had finally stopped at the shore, I had started to get out and then I had felt two hands on my waist, lifting me down.

"I don't need your help Potter," I had made every word drip with as much venom as I could.

"I was being a gentleman," Potter had feigned a look of hurt before holding out his hand, still deluding himself that I was incapable of climbing down a few stairs.

"She said she doesn't need your help." Severus had appeared next to me and Potter's hand dropped to his side.

"I see; you're jealous because I can be a gentleman." Potter smirked and I rolled my eyes.

"As if. Women don't go for obnoxious twats." Sev said smoothly.

Black snorts.

"Like you could get a girlfriend, Snivellus."

"I have more chance than you; I'm not a blood traitor."

Potter raised his eyebrows. "Last time I checked, you were the one with the friend who happens to be Muggle-born."

"Leave Lily out of this." Sev had got right in Potter's face.

"Then lay off Sirius, you old-fashioned prick."

I had put my hand on Sev's arm at that point and tried to drag him away.

"He's not worth it, Sev." Severus glared at Potter one last time before following me.

Once we got to the Entrance Hall, this really elegant woman called Professor McGonagall informed us all about Hogwarts, the house point system, Quidditch, the rules and the sorting its self but I won't bore myself having to explain it all again, especially about the rules and Quidditch which take a long time to explain. I was quite worried about all this information, but Sev had squeezed my arm reassuringly. When he did, I caught Potter's eye, he was making a face at Sev and I glowered.

Anyway, Professor McGonagall led us into the Great Hall which is by far the most amazing spectacle I've ever seen and the ceiling mimicked the night sky but much clearer and you could see all the stars like when I was a really small girl,Tuney and I used to watch the stars, but we never knew how to find the constellations. Hovering above the tables were flickering candles, illuminating the space. The four tables intended for students had the house colours on and at the very top of the Great Hall, the teacher's table stood. Professor McGonagall lined us up and called us out alphabetically to try on the Sorting Hat who (I don't want to call it an "it" as it seemed pretty alive to me) performed a little song.

It went a little like this:

_"Oh you may not think I'm pretty, but don't judge on what you see, I'll eat myself if you can find a smarter hat than me."_

Professor McGonagall called out names but I only half tuned in to note that Black was sorted into Gryffindor, Marlene and Alice also went to Gryffindor and a sweet boy called Amos Diggory went to Hufflepuff. Then my name was called and I can't remember being so nervous in my life.

"Evans, Lily."

Sev nudged me forward and I sat on the stool. Professor McGonagall puts the hat on my head and almost immediately, the Sorting Hat shouts, "GRYFFINDOR!"

I went to sit at the Gryffindor table, giving Sev a sad smile as I pass. It's hard on the both of us, really. It's such a strain on our friendship, especially as Gryffindor and Slytherin are supposed enemies. Black made room for me but I still remembered the train incident and the boat journey so I folded my arms and didn't talk to him.

Shortly after, Remus, Potter and a boy called Peter Pettigrew join us. Potter sits on one side of me, Black on the other with Remus next to Potter and Peter next to Black. When Severus' name was called out and he was sorted into Slytherin, Potter clapped loudest of all.

"You should be glad he's not in our house," Potter said. I still don't like the way he said 'our', as if the two of us share something.

"Why would I be, Potter? He's my friend."

"Some friend," Potter muttered. I still don't know what he meant by that but I don't really care. Boys like Potter can't be trusted.

Another man, quite young, makes an amusing announcement. He's Professor Dumbledore, our Headmaster before food appears on the table. The food here is delicious. I should write to my mother and tell her. She was worried that boarding schools don't feed people properly but that's down to her own individual experience.

Once we're finished, prefects show us to the Gryffindor Tower and we all get changed to go to sleep. Marlene, Alice and I share a dormitory and that's where I am now, writing this. I'll write to my mother and Tuney in the morning but now I need to sleep.

**A/N: Sorry! Me again, thanks for taking the time to read this. it won't be 100% perfect like the original but I hope it's not terribly awful. I promise that Jily will happen, but not until 7th year, which will be soon because I'm not writing for every single day of Lily/James' life. Thanks again.**


	2. Toasty Limericks and the Third Year

**A/N: I own nothing! It all belongs to the wonderful J K Rowling. I promise the story gets more interesting...**

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><p><span>Lily's P.O.V<span>

Dear Diary,

First of all, it feels petty to be writing in a diary when I'm 13 but then again, who can I talk to about this stuff? Mar and Alice are great friends but I can't talk to them about boy stuff unless I want it to be transformed into a fucking joke.

Today was my first day of my third year at Hogwarts. Marlene doesn't live far from me so instead of dragging my _delightful_ sister along with me; I met up with Mar instead. We met Alice and Sev at Platform 93/4.

Sev always comes alone, I did offer for him to come with us but he said no. Alice and Mar don't like Sev, I'll get into that later.

"Hey Sev!" I shouted. Sev looked up and smiled and I greeted him with a hug. "How was your holiday?"

"It was alright, my dad was there a lot." I noticed a new bruise above his eye.

"What happened?"

"He started hitting my mum and I couldn't let him, could I? So I jumped in the way."

"Are you okay Sev?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Stop worrying Lily."

I didn't push it further, he'd only lie.

Once we got on the train, Alice, Mar and I sat down in a compartment but Sev hovered at the door awkwardly. Even though Alice and Mar don't like Sev, they still tolerate his presence because he's my friend.

"Aren't you coming in, Sev?"

"No, I don't think I will. Lucius and Bellatrix invited me to sit with them."

"Why would you do that? Tell them you're sitting with us."

"It wasn't really an invitation, if you know what I mean," he'd tried to crack a smile.

"Oh."

Sev smiled apologetically. "I'll catch you later though, Lil?"

"Sure," I said weakly.

The compartment door slid shut and I remember feeling a part of me deteriorate.

"I don't know why you're friends with that scumbag." Alice said.

"He's my friend and he's not that bad."

"Not that bad? Do you know what him, Avery and Mulciber get up to?"

"No."

"Dark magic, Lil. They're always talking about the Dark Lord and becoming Death Eaters."

"Sev's not like that, he's a good person."

"I don't know who you're kidding, Lily. He's as much of a blood status racist as Malfoy."

"He's never called me the m-word and he never will."

"Just watch your back, Lil. I don't want you to get hurt," Marlene said seriously.

The compartment door slides open.

"Hello, ladies. What's this about Snivellus?" Black stuck his head, then his whole body into our compartment.

"How long were you out there listening?" I whipped out my wand.

"Hey! Don't attack me, it was Prong's idea!" Black shoved Potter into the compartment.

"Mind if we sit here?"

Potter doesn't wait for an answer and steps completely into the compartment. I stand up, my wand drawn, he eyed it cautiously before sitting in my seat.

"Potter, that's my seat."

"It certainly seems so, Evans."

"Then get out."

"Just sit down," Black says as he seated himself next to Mar and Remus and Peter sit in all the other available seats.

"There's nowhere for me to sit."

"Sit on me," Potter smirks.

"Certainly not, Potter."

As I said it, his hands grabbed my waist and pulled me into his lap.

I try to pull away but his hands hold me there. "Let go of me, Potter."

"Not a chance, Evans, unless, of course, you'll go out with me."

"Not in a million years will I go out with you."

"You heard her, Prongs," Remus said. Potter reluctantly lets go of my waist and Remus moves up but I was still uncomfortably close to Potter. Potter stares at me the whole journey.

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><p>BREAKFAST THE NEXT DAY<p>

**(A/N: This is as it happens, by the way, still in Lily's P.O.V so not in diary mode. Diary mode wasn't really working.)**

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><p>"Please pretty please?" Alice begs as we head for the Great Hall.<p>

"No, Alice. It was awful the past two years and I have studying to do."

"Oh come on Lily. It's just one party a year. Marlene's going with Frank Longbottom and I don't want to be alone. Mar won't even talk to me about whether Amos likes me. Do you think he'll ask me to Slughorn's party?"

"Sure, Alice. You're really pretty and Amos would be lucky to be your date."

"Aw, thanks Lily, that's so sweet. I really need you to come, in case I vomit in the punch again and Slughorn would be so disappointed of his star student didn't come."

"Fine, Alice. I'll go to Slughorn's party, but if you start kissing Amos, I'm leaving and you can walk back to Gryffindor Tower by yourself."

"Yay! You won't regret it, I promise!"

As we enter the Great Hall, Marlene waves at us. I frown when I note that she is sitting with Potter and Black.

"Good morning, Evans," Potter says brightly.

"Good morning Marlene, Remus, Peter… and Black."

"Oh come on! Am I invisible?" Potter scowls.

"I'm sorry, I must be hearing things. Did you hear a troll?" I ask Remus. Remus snorts, even Black chuckles a little.

"Very funny, Evans."

I begin to sit down between Alice and Remus but Potter pushes Alice along next to Black leaving a space next to him. Grudgingly, I sit down. Potter smirks at me and I look down at my toast.

"There was a boy called James Potter, some people thought Sirius was hotter, those people are crazy, Sirius is just lazy, so will you be the seal to my otter?" I read aloud.

I howl with laughter, the limerick is awful but I haven't laughed so hard in ages. Once I've read it aloud, Remus, Alice, Mar and Black join in laughing. Peter doesn't laugh, he clearly doesn't have a sense of humour.

"That's ridiculous, mate. 'The seal to my otter'?" Black hoots.

"Like you could do any better," Potter glowers.

"Sure I can. Sirius Black is the best and ultimate man, if he can't do something then nobody can, the ladies swoon, because he looks fabulous in maroon and shit, poetry's hard."

I almost fall of the bench from laughing so much.

"Exactly, it's hard. All I wanted to say was that I want to take you to Slughorn's party," Potter sighs.

"Why didn't you just say that then?" Remus asks amusedly.

"Because I knew she's say no."

"He's right," I admit, "although, I'd say no anyway."

"Fine, how about we study together in the library at 4?"

"Absolutely not, Potter. I won't spend any more time with you than I have to."

"Why not, Evans? Am I too hot for you? Or maybe I distract you with my charm." Black snorts into his toast.

"The only thing you distract me with is your large obnoxious head."

Potter sighs. "One day, Evans, you'll be my wife and you'll feel foolish."

"If Evans ever does become your wife, I'll give you 50 galleons," Black leans forward to whisper in my ear. "Just don't fall in love with him, Evans. I don't actually have 50 galleons."

"Don't worry, I won't."

I get up and leave the Great Hall. I really hate Potter. He struts around like he owns the place or something. Not to mention that all he does is how off and mess up his hair so it looks like he's just come off the Quidditch pitch. Yet, girls swoon at the sight of him. They're either blind or incredibly stupid.

I'm so busy ranting in my head, I accidentally bump into someone.

"Sorry," I mutter.

"You've got no right to touch me, you filthy Mudblood."

I raise my head to look at the person I bumped into: Mulciber. I wince, I really hate that word.

"Don't call her that," I hear two voices at once. Sev and Potter stand behind me staring daggers at Mulciber.

"Standing up for your scum of a Mudblood girlfriend, Snape? Her blood is so filthy; I think it's affecting my health. I wonder what the Dark Lord would say about that, you little Blood Traitor," Mulciber sneers.

"What's going on here?" Professor McGonagall appears next to us.

"Nothing Professor," Mulciber says in what he thinks is a delicate tone, it sounds like a load of rats being tortured.

"Believe it or not Mr Mulciber, but as a teacher I have acute senses, apologise to Evans and once you've finished that, get a bucket and clean the boy's toilets- _without _magic."

"Come on, Lily."

Sev takes my arm and we start walking away.

"You're welcome Evans!" Potter shouts after us.

"She didn't need your help!" Sev shouts back.

Potter standing up for me? The world really had gone mad.


	3. Lily's First Kiss

**A/N: I don't own anything! It all belongs to the fabulous J K Rowling! Thank you to lilly flower forever and alpha1001 for following this story! I really appreciate it!**

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><p>TWO WEEKS LATER<p>

"I can stand up for myself. I appreciate that you're worried about me, Sev, but I am independent."

"I don't like watching whilst you get verbally abused. Besides, I thought we were supposed to be friends? Best friends?"

"We _are_, Sev, but I don't like some of the people you're hanging around with! I'm sorry, but I detest Avery and Mulciber! _Mulciber!_ What do you see in him, Sev? He's creepy! D'you know what he tried to do to Mary Mcdonald the other day?"

I lean against a pillar in the courtyard.

"That was nothing. It's was a laugh, that's all –"

"It was Dark Magic and if you think that's funny –"

"What about the stuff Potter and his mates get up to?" Sev demands colour rising to his cheeks. I didn't want him to get _angry_.

"What's Potter got to do with anything?"

"They sneak out at night. There's something weird about that Lupin. Where does he keep going?"

I can feel the blood rushing to my own cheeks, insulting Potter is one thing but insulting _Remus_.

"He's ill," I must admit this had been puzzling me a bit as well. "They say he's ill."

"Every month at the full moon?" Sev looks at me sceptically.

"I know you're theory," I really have had it with Sev and Remus. "Why are you so obsessed with them, anyway? Why do you care what they're doing at night?"

"I'm just trying to show you that they're not as wonderful as everyone seems to think they are."

He stares at me with great intensity.

"They don't use dark magic, though. And you're being really ungrateful. I heard what happened the other night. You went sneaking down that tunnel by the Whomping Willow and Potter saved you from whatever's down there –"

Sev's face contorts with rage.

"Saved? Saved? You think he was playing the hero? He was saving his neck and his friends' too! You're not going to – I won't let you –"

"_Let_ me? _Let_ me?"

"I didn't mean – I just don't want to see you made a fool of – he fancies you, James Potter fancies you! And he's not… Everyone thinks… Big Quidditch hero –"

The bitterness of his voice almost makes me laugh. As if I would ever date _Potter_. I raise my eyebrows, I know better than most the truth about Potter.

"I know Potter's an arrogant toerag. I don't need you to tell me that. But Mulciber and Avery's idea of humour is just evil. _Evil_, Sev. I don't understand how you can be friends with them."

We start walking again.

"So, you know, let me handle things on my own. I won't learn to protect myself properly if you're always doing it for me. Do you not think I'm capable or something? Do you think that just because I'm a _girl_ and a _Muggle-born_ that I don't know how to defend myself?"

"NO! But if I do stop, Potter will have won."

"Won what?" I narrow my eyes.

"Won you," Sev sighs.

"Did you even hear what I just said? I AM _NOT_ AN OBJECT! I am a fully-functioning witch and, in case it escaped your notice, a human being."

"I know," Sev says quickly.

We walk in silence for a bit.

"Are you going to Slughorn's party?"

I hesitate.

"Yes," I say very carefully.

"Are you going with anyone?" Sev tries to pass his voice off as casual but it still sounds anxious.

"No. Unless Alice counts but I think Amos asked her."

"D'you want to go with me?"

"Okay," I feel my heart skip a bit and Sev grins. This will be my first ever date. Can I call it that?

I go back to the common room. _I have a date. I have a date. I have a date. _

Alice and Marlene are getting ready when I enter our dormitory. I hunt down my mother's green dress which she's leant me. I put it on and I'm not one to brag but I think it looks gorgeous.

"That's such a beautiful dress!" Alice exclaims when she sees it.

I look at them both, Marlene looks astonishing as always and Alice looks breath-taking.

"You two look amazing though!" and they really do.

Together, we head for the entrance to the portrait hole. Frank comes for Mar and then Amos comes for Alice and I'm left waiting for Sev.

"Lily?" it's Sev.

"Hey."

Sev looks at me, but _really_ looks at me. I blush. It's not a very comfortable stare, it's like he's trying to eat me.

We start to walk to the party, Sev babbling on about some sort of Transfiguration homework he's got and I find myself distracted by such odd things like the window and the carpet. I'm not really listening to Sev at all. Sev can be so boring sometimes.

"Lily?"

"Mhm?"

"Are you ready to go inside?" Sev asks.

I nod and we enter Slughorn's party. It seems less pathetic than last year, maybe that's because _I have a date_. Professor Slughorn comes our way.

"My two best students! How's the party for you?"

"It's wonderful, thank you Professor." I smile at him.

"Good! Ah, it looks as if we have a few unexpected guests. Potter! Black! What are you doing here?"

Professor Slughorn makes his way over to them and I feel Sev's hand go firmly around my waist. I look up at him but his eyes are fixed on Potter.

"Well, you see Professor, we saw the _wonderful_ atmosphere of your party practically _miles_ away. So we thought, why don't we pay Professor Slughorn a visit? I mean, who can resist this sort of party? In fact, it's such an amazing party, did you sort out the music?"

"Why, yes! Yes, I did."

"We thought so didn't we, Sirius?" Potter turns to Black. Black nods in agreement.

"Oh, well! I suppose you could stay." Professor Slughorn beams at them.

I roll my eyes; trust Potter to get in through flattery. Potter and Black begin to walk toward us. Sev turns me into him and kisses me, deeply. At first, I am shocked but then I'm thinking how to untangle myself from this kiss. His arms go around me, pulling me in even closer, if that is possible. It is uncomfortably unpleasant and I did not give permission for him to kiss me. I come to my senses and push him away.

His eyes are wide and I see that Potter's wand is pressed into his back.

"Potter," I hiss at him, trying not to make a scene. "Let Severus go."

Potter reluctantly pulls his wand away. I take Sev's hand but he's staring a pointed ice stare at Potter.

"Sev, let's go." I say.

"Wait a moment, Lily. I need to straighten something out with Potter." Sev sneers.

"Certainly, Snivellus. Shall we take this outside?"

Potter and Sev leave, I try to run after them but two firm hands pull my shoulders backwards. I swivel around, Black is staring at me.

"What?" I snap at him.

"You kissed Snivelly."

That's when I realise what happened, Sev kissed me and I didn't like it. I definitely don't want to do it again but that was my first kiss. I don't know if I like kissing.

"He kissed me," I say defensively.

"I don't blame him, you look bloody great."

"I'm going to pretend you never said that."

Black shrugs. I remember Potter and Sev and I make to move away but Black grabs my wrist.

"Wait! Evans, where are you going?"

"I need to find Severus."

"You can't. James said –"

"I don't give a shit what Potter said! He doesn't own me."

"I can't let you go out there, what if a hex or something hits you?"

"I'm a _witch_, Black! I'm more than capable of handling a duel."

Black says nothing and lets go of my wrist and runs after me. It doesn't take long to find them, surprisingly; they're fighting Muggle-style with no wands.

"Give up Potter! She's made her choice." Sev hits Potter square in the nose, Potter punches Sev's jaw.

"I have done no such thing!" I shout, pushing Sev away from Potter and rounding on him. "How many times have I told you? I'm a _human being_! I wish you would treat me like one."

I start yelling random crap in his face.

"But we kissed," he says bluntly.

"No. _You _kissed me. I don't remember saying you could."

"Well, you didn't exactly protest."

"Yeah, well I'm protesting now."

I walk away, leaving Sev and Potter behind me, not knowing where to turn next.


	4. The Real Marauders

**A/N: ****I do not own anything! This will be the last chapter on Lily and James' third year and I think I may skip the fourth and go straight to OWLs, Prefects and Snape's worst memory!**

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><p>THE NEXT DAY<p>

"I'm sorry, Lily. I didn't realise you'd be so upset. I thought you liked me."

"I _do_, Sev, I do. I just don't think I'm ready for _that_."

"But we are okay aren't we?" Sev asks.

"Yeah, we are."

Sev seems happier so I walk to where Mar and Alice are sitting for breakfast. The Marauders are nowhere to be seen.

"Hey, stranger," Mar says.

"What?"

"We didn't see you at the party last night. Molly said something about you coming home crying, are you okay?"

"I'm _fine_." I look between the two of them – neither seems very convinced.

"Alright. What happened then? I was too busy talking to Frank and _Alice_, why don't you tell Lil what you did last night?" I raise my eyebrows.

"Amos kissed me!" Alice giggles.

"Did he? Aw, that's so sweet!"

"It was perfect," Alice sighs dreamily.

"Go on, what happened at the party? Everybody's talking about something that happened at the party only we don't know what it is," Mar looks at me expectantly.

"Potter and Black gate-crashed and Severus –"

"Wait! Hold on, you went with _Snivellus_?" Mar's mouth drops open and I blush.

"His name is Severus and yes, I did."

"Lily!" Alice whines. "You could have gone with anyone in our year! Why _Snivellus_? Of all people! James would have gone with you."

I choke on my toast. "Potter?"

"Yes, James Potter. Is there anyone else around here who is incredibly gorgeous and _single_?" Alice says.

"Potter is an arrogant toerag and I would not be seen with him anywhere. Ever."

"I honestly don't know what's wrong with you," Mar moans. "Wait, are you a lesbian?"

"No, I'm not."

"So you're not asexual?" Alice adds.

"No,"

"Right, you must be mental then." Mar says simply.

"Anyway, as I was saying. Potter and Black gate-crashed the party then Potter and Severus had a fight and then I shouted in Sev's face –"

"Hold on, why did James and Snivelly have a fight?" Mar's eyebrows cross together in confusion.

"Um, well, Sev kissed me."

"You KISSED Severus Snape from _Slytherin_?_!_" Mar looks like she is about to faint.

"Not on purpose, I hope!" Alice grumbles.

"No! He kissed _me_, I told him off though because I don't want him to kiss me and well, it wasn't a nice kiss. But then again, what have I got to compare to?"

"Wait! That was your first kiss? That's even worse! I am going to kill Snivellus!"

"Severus," I correct automatically.

"Who's going to kill Snivellus?" Potter takes his usual seat next to me; unfortunately, I can't seem to get rid of him.

"I am," Mar and Alice say together.

"Not that you need a reason, but why?" Black sits next to Mar.

"Because he kissed Lily and she didn't want him to and she didn't like it." Mar explains.

"Hey, can you not tell everybody?" I scowl at them.

"Why not? He can't give you a bad first kiss, which you didn't permit him to do, and get away with it!" Mar says indignantly.

"It's only a kiss," I mumble.

"Wait, that was Evans' first kiss?" Potter stares at me like I'm an alien.

"It's none of your business, Potter," I mutter, my face turning red.

"How can you not have been kissed before?" Potter demands.

"I said; it's none of your business!"

"Urgh! Imagine Snivellus' saliva in Evans' mouth!" Black says disgustingly.

"Thanks for the lovely image," Remus says, pulling a face. "What's this about Lily being kissed?"

"Evans had her first kiss with Snivellus," Potter says bitterly.

"Poor girl," Remus grimaces.

"Severus is my friend –"

"You made up with him? I thought you were shouting in his face." Potter says.

"I was, but he's my friend."

"That is so typical of you, Lily!" Mar stands up. "You let Snivellus walk all over you and when you finally seem to get that he's a pathetic slimy toad, you forgive him! It's an unhealthy friendship, Lily and you'll only end up getting hurt. Snivellus is not a good guy, I mean, come on! Are you really naïve enough to believe that he doesn't join in with the Dark Magic Malfoy, Bellatrix and Crabbe get up to?"

"I know what he does! Okay? I know what he gets up to! I've confronted him about it –"

"Confronted him?" Mar laughs. "And what good will that do? Hmm? Merlin's beard, it's so obvious! I beg you Lily, don't be friends with him it's not good for you."

"I can handle this myself!"

"Are you sure Lily? As of late, you spend more time crying about him than you do laughing _with_ him."

"So? This is life! It's not like I want you to go out with all those boys! You do that to yourself and you end up hurt."

"_All_ those boys? Are you saying that I'm a slut?"

"No! Of course you're not, you're one of my best friends and I care about you –"

"So you understand, then? I care about you Lily; I wouldn't be a good friend if I didn't say all that stuff. It's my job to help you especially when it comes to two-faced idiots."

"I'm going back to Gryffindor Tower…" I run back to the common room, tears sliding down my face.

What if Marlene's right? What if Sev's not really my friend but what about all those times at Spinner's End? He was the only thing that kept me going when Tuney hated me; he was the only proof that the life I lead is real. I need Severus but what if he's my poison? What if being his friend will be the death of me?

* * *

><p>FIVE HOURS LATER (NIGHT TIME)<p>

I finish Potions on the bell, packing away my stuff quickly. I see the Marauders head out the door first, with a worried expression on all but Peter's face. I watch them curiously as they head for the third floor, around a corner and into a dark corridor. I run silently to keep up with them, peering at them from a good five meters away.

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," Remus says.

They all huddle around a piece of parchment.

"Goddammit! It still doesn't completely work!" I hear Potter say, clearly frustrated.

"Don't worry, Prongs. It will, I just need to work on several charms, it's not easy to do something like this," I hear Remus say.

"I can't wait until we finish it," Black says excitedly. "Just imagine it! Being able to know where everybody is and what they're doing."

"I don't know about _that_ but we'll certainly be able to see where people are," Remus says doubtfully.

"I reckon we should liven it up a bit. The only reason we started this is because it's getting hard to get to then Shrieking Shack without one of Snivelly's mates following us. Maybe we could make it a bit more humorous?"

"Padfoot! I'm not an amazing wizard, you know. Magic has boundaries," Remus says though he chuckles a little.

"I know, but this is going to revolutionise pranksters and trickery. I can't wait to see old Filch's face when he never catches us and we've got your cloak James! We're never getting caught again!" Black almost jumps up and down with eagerness.

"Calm down Padfoot, it's only a map."

The Marauders go on like this for a while, casting spells on the parchment to try and get it to do whatever it is they want it to do. Potter seems to get frustrated and Remus is edgy.

"Guys, it's almost full moon," Remus says, agitated.

"Oh shit! Right, let's get the cloak and go to the Whomping Willow. _Accio _my invisibility cloak!"

"Are you an actual idiot, Prongs?" Black asks.

"Right. I'll run and get it, you head to the Whomping Willow- I'll meet you near the tunnel."

I am intrigued and follow Remus, Black and Peter stealthily. They don't seem to notice but I cannot be sure. Once we reach the tunnel, I hang back so Potter doesn't see me. I watch as Peter disappears, Black becomes a dog and Potter becomes a stag. Well, they almost manage it, it's hard to become an Animagi after all. In fact, I've been trying for a while but I can't. I wonder why Remus hasn't changed.

Actually, where is Remus? I look around for him but I can't see him. The other three shoot spells at the Whomping Willow, stagnating the branches as they slip under the tree. Cautiously, I follow them. The tunnel leads to the Shrieking Shack.

What are they doing out here? Could Sev be right? No, surely not, that would mean that Remus is a… werewolf? I hear a howl and the three almost-successful Animagi join him. I step backwards, it can't be. I feel as if I'm intruding on something personal, which I suppose, I am. Suddenly, I'm afraid my breathing is to loud. I scramble out of the tree as fast as I can, running to Gryffindor Tower.

As I get ready for bed, I smile a little. Now I know something, I was a rebel, I went out after dark and spied on the Marauders, often referred to as secretive. Somehow, I feel like I am a part of their group but not really. As if I would ever hex first years just for the hell of it. But, by being someone like that, maybe I can be braver and conquer my fears. Maybe Potter isn't so and after all… No, I must be so tired that I'm hallucinating and thinking things I should never – and will never- think.


	5. Christmas Eve and the First Bet

**A/N: I own nothing; it all belongs to the talented J K Rowling! Thank you for all the support with the lovely (and constructive!) reviews, the favourites and followers! **

**Here is Christmas in Lily and James' fourth year, four weeks after Professor Slughorn's party.**

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><p>FOURTH YEAR AT HOGWARTS<p>

CHRISTMAS EVE

I think I am the last one up, all the others are either at the Hufflepuff Christmas party in the Room of Requirement (which is such a convenient room to have in a school) or in bed. Meanwhile, I am studying for our next Practice Exam in Defence against the Dark Arts. It's tedious work, really. No spells as of yet, just textbook work. I turn the page and happen to end up on a page about were-wolves and I smile to myself.

"Studying on Christmas Eve, Evans?" Potter walks into the Common Room.

"Yes," I say, scornfully.

"I thought you'd be doing something else, it is the merriest night of the year, after all."

"Yeah, we all know how I _love_ parties."

"Come on, Evans, they're not that bad."

I mumble as way of communication. I really don't want to talk to Potter. Mar and Alice have gone to the party with their boyfriends and I didn't want to be a third-wheel so I stayed behind. I open my textbook again and resume to my previous mind-numbing task of taking notes and revising.

"Aw, Evans! You can't do work on Christmas!"

"It's Christmas _Eve_,"

"Exactly," Potter says unfazed, "so you should be seizing the day! _Carpe diem_! I tell you what, why don't I show you –"

"I'm not going anywhere with you, Potter."

Potter sighs. "School isn't all about the grades."

"I think you'll find that it is."

"No! Recent Muggle studies have shown that you make your best and closest friends at work and school because you have the experience to share together. So technically, the people you meet here are going to be with you forever."

"You've been studying Psychology?" I raise my eyebrows, gently closing my textbook.

"Well, yeah. Just because it's a Muggle thing, doesn't mean that it's not helpful."

"Alright then, what if I told you that by not studying then I won't get good grades and thus won't get a decent job and will not be able to financially support myself?"

"Really, Evans? You know, they say the most intelligent people are the people who don't regard themselves as overly intelligent. I'm not sure exactly what intelligence is, Psychologists and Philosophers alike have been arguing about this for centuries, whether it's something which can be improved upon or whether it is 'just there'."

"The nature versus nurture debate," I say.

"Yeah, I reckon you have people who read a lot, so they gain lots of knowledge from the books they read. Consequently, this makes other people perceive them as intelligent as they know things which they might not. However, in reality the intelligent people are the people who have their own opinions, a love of knowledge, and the ability to accept other arguments and change their minds."

"You know, Potter, sometimes I find myself not hating you and the very thought of your existence doesn't not entirely repulse me. This is when my brain tells I need some sleep because the exhaustion of my brain is getting out of control, goodnight Potter."

I leave the room for my dormitory, as I stand up and begin to walk away with my books, he points upwards. Mistletoe.

Potter takes a step closer but I step backwards, taking out my wand. I point my wand at it; the mistletoe transforms into a paper reindeer and falls gracefully into Potter's hands.

"Merry Christmas," I say before leaving the room.

I run up to my bed, slightly in shock at what I had done. I had just a civil conversation with Potter. Do I actually like him as a human being? No! He's still an obnoxious, bullying flobberworm.

* * *

><p>ONE YEAR LATER<p>

(FIFTH YEAR AT HOGWARTS)

Finally! Hogwarts at last!

"Lily! Oh my gosh, you have no idea how pleased I am to see you!" Mar rushes up to me at Platform 9 ¾, "anyway, do you remember Frank Longbottom? Yeah? My ex-boyfriend? Alice, Alice Prewitt not _our_ Alice, she's going out with him! I am not joking! Frank didn't tell me and we've been dating since third year, I thought he and I were friends. I have a feeling he dumped me because I had a thing with Amos which, by the way, was totally an accident and last year. I swear it was for a week maybe two and I only didn't tell you because I was so worried that you'd all think I was a slut."

"Of course you're not a slut, Mar. So Frank and Amos are not going out with you?"

"No! Also, you know how my parents are really good friends with the Potters? Well, we stayed over at their mansion which is beautiful, by the way and Sirius and I kind of had a thing except I didn't really agree to it, it was only kissing but still. I don't like the idea of any random boy kissing me because they think it's alright. So, we sort of had a thing and now I really like him. I really love him but – and I suppose this is my own fault – guys like Sirius don't want to settle down in the fifth year. I feel like if I met the right guy now I would stay with him for as long as I lived. I feel like I've already been crazy and wild and now I just want to tone things down a bit. Sorry, I'm not really explaining it very well."

"No, I understand you. As for settling down, I suppose that's a good thing, OWLs are this year."

"Yeah, they are. Alice hates me because I kissed Amos, I swear she does, Sirius hasn't talked to me for three weeks, you're always studying and this is the worst day of my life."

"Alice doesn't hate you and you can do so much better than Black. Besides, I have some good news," she looks at me, perplexed.

"I'm a prefect!"

"I knew it! Well done, who's the other Gryffindor prefect?"

"Remus."

"LILY!" Alice tackles me with a hug. "Marlene."

I leave the two of them to their staring contest and try to find Severus. When I find him, I feel a smile creep on my face, almost unexpectedly.

"Severus," I say, tapping him on the back.

"Lily!" he exclaims, turning around. His smile couldn't have been wider.

I hug him and we chat for a bit. As I hug him good-bye, I feel eyes bearing into me. I turn around. Potter, of course.

"See you later, Sev."

"See you, you like nice by the way," I know that my face has flushed with colour.

"Hello, Evans." Potter's eyes pierce my own.

"Hello, Potter."

"Nice holiday?"

"So-so, it would have been better if you hadn't had sent letters to me every single day asking me about Muggle Psychology and Anthropology," Potter smirks.

"Sorry about that, I just wanted to know,"

"Sure," I say dubiously. "You also had to know my favourite colour, preferred music choice and how I dress in the mornings."

"Those things say a lot about the type of person you are," Potter said matter-of-factly.

"I'm sure they do, in fact, my studies say that you're a Type A prick."

"You wound me. Prefect?" he looks at the badge on my chest.

"Yes, so watch it, Potter."

"Of course," he smirks and stands there watching me as I make my way to the train.

I haul my bags onto the Platform and get on the train. Alice and Mar appear to be friends again and I smile as I sit next to them.

"I invited the Marauders to sit with us, Lil, I hope that's okay," Alice says.

"Sure, whatever. I have to patrol and go to the meeting soon anyway."

"Do you want to know what I heard, Lil? Sirius' cousin Bellatrix is _engaged_."

"How?"

"Her parents and the Lestrange family sorted it out, apparently if you want to keep the Pureblood running in families, then you have to sort out your children a wife or husband so they don't fall in love with – heaven forbid- a Muggle-born."

"Oh," I realise that both Mar and Alice are Purebloods.

"Sorry! You're a Muggle-born, I forgot. It's just a load of crap which the traditional type follow. My parents think it's a load of shit this blood racism so I'm not engaged which is a bloody relief. Unfortunately, when my Granddad found out that I didn't have a fiancé, he disowned my mother so now we're Blood Traitors."

We hear a familiar voice outside our compartment.

"Are all you girls decent?" Black asks.

Before we can answer, Black barges in.

"Hey! What if we were half-naked?" Mar demands.

"I wouldn't mind, in fact, it would greatly improve my day."

Mar slaps him on the arm, only half playfully. Remus sits on one side of me, Potter sits on the other. I deliberately turn my back to Potter and talk to Remus instead.

"Congratulations on becoming a Prefect."

"Thanks, you too," Remus says.

"Are you nervous about OWLs?"

"A little," he admits, "but I like to study hard so I think it will be okay."

"Okay? Everyone knows Moony's a swot," Black shouts.

"It's true, Moony," Potter says.

"There's nothing wrong with studying hard, Potter. Just because you have no ambition or intelligence it doesn't mean Remus doesn't."

"We'll see Evans, let's say that if I get all Outstandings and Exceeds Expectations in my OWLs, you go out with me."

"In your dreams, Potter,"

"Alright then, if I do get all Outstandings and Exceeds Expectations, you kiss me."

I hesitate, even though I am fairly confident that he'll never be able to do it, a small part of me doubts it.

"What's wrong, Evans? Afraid you'll lose?" Potter goads me.

"Fine, deal but they have to be _all _Outstandings and Exceeds Expectations any Acceptables or Poors and the deal is off."

"Fine, deal."

We shake on it. Remus and I get up to leave for the Prefect meeting.

"Behave yourself, Moony," Black says as Remus holds the door open for me.

Potter's expression is unreadable but at least he's not talking.


	6. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs

**A/N: ****I own nothing it all belongs to the ineffable J K Rowling. ****I know this is a short chapter but I thought it was worth seeing what the Marauders get up to and also what the world is like form James' point of view. Thank you again for the support and taking the time to read my story.**

* * *

><p>A WEEK BEFORE OWLS<p>

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

><p>"I don't know what Moony's playing at…" I say grumpily.<p>

Moony and Evans have been spending a lot of time together as of late, much more time than I like.

"Aw come on mate, Moony wouldn't do anything."

"Yeah, I know but still…"

Moony walking with Evans, Moony holding the door for Evans, Moony helping Evans study. All the things _I_ should be doing.

"Hey, did you see Longbottom and Prewitt kissing?" Padfoot says, suddenly.

"No,"

"Well they were and passionately." Padfoot turns to look our across the grass, spotting some girls across the grass probably.

"Hey Prongs, do you remember Evans and Snivellus kissing in Third Year?"

I glower at him.

"Yes."

"Come on, Prongs. Cheer up. I bet I can get Marlene Lightwood to kiss me."

"Two galleons and you're on," I grin because this is the easiest money I've ever made.

I sit back, watching Wormtail pour over his shabby Transfiguration notes. I see Moony and Evans walking our way.

"Hey, Prongs." Moony sits next to me.

"I'm going to find Mar and Alice, see you later?"

"Sure, Lily."

I stare at him, pointedly.

"What? Oh come on, Prongs! She's only my friend."

"Seems cuddly."

"Cuddly? You're ridiculous. Now test me on Defence Against the Dark Arts."

"Why do you even need to study?"

"Not everybody can breeze though exams like you and Padfoot do."

"Merlin's beard, Moony. You're bright; it's Wormtail I'm worried about. He hasn't got a single working cell in his brain."

Moony snorts.

"Where's Padfoot?"

"He and I have a bet. Two galleons that he can't get Marlene Lightwood to kiss him."

"Poor Padfoot, she'll murder him."

Padfoot stumbles over to us with a black eye. I smirk at him and he hands over two galleons.

"She punched me."

"You don't say," Moony bites back a laugh.

"All I said was: 'You're looking hot, want to exchange bodily fluids?' and she punched me. Can you believe it?"

"Yes, seeing as you said _that_, I can definitely believe it." Moony doesn't hold back his laugh this time.

"I'm bored," Padfoot whines.

"You only got punched a minute ago," Moony says amusedly.

"Yeah, can't we find Snivellus? Or Malfoy? Or Avery?"

"Not Snivelly," Moony and I say together.

"Why not?"

"Evans," I say.

"Since when did you do what Evans said?"

"Fine, let's find Avery or some pathetic First year and hex them into oblivion."

I get up and Padfoot follows, Moony looks very uncertain but Wormtail scurries quickly after us.

"What's wrong, Moony?" Padfoot asks incredulously.

"I'm a Prefect."

"So? Make sure we don't get reported."

Padfoot carries on walking and Moony follows reluctantly. He's never liked unprovoked attacks. Evans appears around the corner, I run my hand through my hair.

"Evans."

"Potter," she brushes me aside. "Remus, I'm going to check the new schedule with Professor Dumbledore. Are you coming?"

"Erm, I'm sort of busy now, Lily."

"Doing what?" she eyes me and Padfoot suspiciously. "What did you do to your eye?"

"Marlene," he mumbles.

"So _that's_ what Mar meant when she said she's punched a big-headed wombat. I assumed she meant Potter."

"Hey!" I say indignantly.

She pretends not to notice.

"Anyway, I need to get going –" a boy pushes into her, sending her flying. Luckily, with my Quidditch reflexes, I catch her.

"I've got you," I say. She gets to her feet and pushes me away.

"I don't need your help," she sneers at me.

"Oh really? If you go on a date with me, I'll stop helping you."

"I'd rather snog Wormtail than go on a date with you. No offence," she adds, turning to Wormtail.

"None taken," he says.

"Bye, Evans."

"Bye, Potter."

Padfoot and I watch her go.

"She looks good," Padfoot notes.

"She's the prettiest girl I've ever seen."

"Stop that you two," Moony says.

"Stop what?"

"_That_. It's like you're undressing her with your eyes."

"Oh," I say and avert my gaze to Melanie Clearwater.

"You disgust me," Moony crinkles his nose.

"What?"

"One minute you're lusting after Evans, the next you're drooling over Melanie Clearwater."

"Well, if Evans isn't going to snog me…."

"She'll never do that, she hates you," Padfoot states.

"She will."

"Yeah, I think you have some competition there, Prongs," Moony points to where Evans is standing with Snivellus. She is laughing at something he said.

"I can't take much more of him. Why is Evans friends with him anyway?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's because of him charm, oh wait no, he doesn't have any. What else could it be?" Padfoot fakes a thoughtful expression.

"Excessively good looks?" Moony jokes.

"Intelligence?" Padfoot sniggers.

"His popularity?"

We collapse into laughter.

"No, seriously, I hate Snivellus."

"Who doesn't?" Padfoot looks again to the crowd of girls.

"I don't know. Shall we get to work on the map again?" I say.

"Yeah, I learnt a new secrecy charm," Moony says.

"Really?"

"Yeah, the teacher's pet went into the Restricted Section with me to find it, it allows only certain people to read it. How about we leave it around for Snivelly to see and when he tries to read it, it'll say something hilarious?" Padfoot asks.

"Like: Mr Moony presents his compliments to Snivellus, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business." Moony says.

"Mr Prongs agrees with Mr Moony, and would like to add that Snape is an ugly git." I say.

"Mr Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever survived his childhood." Padfoot sniggers.

"Mr Wormtail bids Snivelly a good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slime ball." Wormtail says.

We stare at him in astonishment.

"You came up with your own idea!" Moony's mouth drops open.

"Yeah, I did. Not so much of a brain-dead idiot now," Wormtail says proudly.


	7. Mudbloods, Feelings and Compliments

**A/N: ****First of all, I do not own anything, it is all owned by the superlative J K Rowling. Second of all, thank you for the support with this story words cannot describe it! Third of all, you may have noticed that this is the third chapter I will have uploaded today, this is because I have so much homework to do so I probably won't be able to upload tomorrow and Monday. Finally, I hope you enjoy this chapter- it's a long one!**

* * *

><p>OWL Exam- Defence Against the Dark Arts<p>

James' P.O.V

"Five more minutes," Flitwick's head bobs up from his desk which is piled high with paper.

I close my own paper. Easy. I reread the last question anyway, just to make sure. Yawning, I rile up my hair some more. I turn around and grin at Padfoot. Padfoot's even more laid back than I am; he's lounging in his chair as if he's on holiday or something. I watch Marlene stare at him, with a certain loathing. I nod my head in her general direction, Padfoot shrugs.

I turn to find Moony, he's completely absorbed in the last question. I watch Wormtail, cheating as usual. I pick up my quill and start drawing a Golden Snitch on a spare exam paper. I write her initials – L.E on the Snitch.

Flitwick squeaks that the exam is over and collects all the papers which knock him off of his feet. Flitwick dismisses us and I stuff the spare exam paper in my bag before racing after Padfoot.

"How did you like question ten, Moony?" Padfoot asks as we emerge into the Entrance Hall.

"Loved it," Moony says briskly. "'Give five signs that identify a werewolf.' Excellent question."

"D'you think you managed to get all the signs?" I mock concern.

"Think I did," Lupin says seriously. We go through the front doors into the grounds. "One: he's sitting in my chair. Two: he's wearing my clothes. Three: his name is Remus Lupin."

We all laugh, with the exception of Wormtail.

"I got the snout shape, the pupils of the eyes and the tufted tail but I couldn't think of anything else."

"How thick are you, Wormtail?" I say impatiently. "You run around with a werewolf once a month –"

"Keep your voice down," Moony implores.

We stop walking just opposite the lake.

"Well I thought it was a piece of cake," Padfoot says. "I'll be surprised if I don't get an 'Outstanding' on it at least."

"Me too," I pull out the struggling Golden Snitch from my pocket.

"Where'd you get that?"

"Nicked it," I say casually.

I let the Snitch fly just a little bit before catching it. We walk under the shade of a tree. I look over at the lake, Evans is there with her friends and they've taken their shoes and socks off and dipping their feet in the water. The sun shines on Evans' hair, giving her a halo of sorts.

Moony pulls out a book and Padfoot stares at the passers-by. I continue playing with the Snitch, letting it zoom further and further away before grabbing it at the last second. Wormtail applauds every time but it's not his attention I want.

I glance over at Evans again, rumpling my hair.

"Put that away, will you," I make an amazing catch and Wormtail cheers. "Before Wormtail wets himself with excitement."

Wormtail turns pink but I grin at Padfoot.

"If it bothers you," I stuff the Snitch in my pocket.

"I'm bored," Padfoot says. "Wish it was a full-moon."

"You might," Moony says darkly. "We've still got Transfiguration, if you're bored, you can test me. Here…"

Moony holds out his book and Padfoot snorts.

"I don't need to look at that rubbish, I know it all."

"This'll liven you up, Padfoot," I say quietly. "Look who it is…"

Padfoot's head turns, he sniffs the air, never quite getting out of his dog-like habits.

"Excellent," he says softly, "Snivellus."

I watch Snivellus walk across the shadows of the bushes like the little creep he is. Padfoot and I stand up but Wormtail and Moony stay seated. Moony stares at his book, burning holes through it with his eyes. Wormtail looks between all of our faces with a look of great anticipation.

"All right, Snivellus?" I ask loudly.

The pathetic worm reacts fast, dropping his bag and grabbing his wand from inside his robes. He almost had his wand out half-way through the air.

"_Expelliarmus!_" Snivelly's wand flies 12 feet in the air and falls with a thud on the grass. Padfoot barks out a laugh.

"_Impedimenta!_" Padfoot yells at Snivelly who gets knocked off his feet. Students start to gather round. Perfect.

Snivelly lies on the ground panting while Padfoot and I advance, wand out. I quickly glance at the water's edge to Evans before turning my attention to the sorry excuse for a human in front of me.

"How'd the exam go, Snivelly?" I ask.

"I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment," Padfoot jabs viciously. "They'll be grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word."

Several students laugh. Wormtail sniggers shrilly. Snivellus struggles under my jinx.

"You – wait," Snivelly pants, he looks at me with a mutual sense of repugnance. "You –wait!"

"Wait for what? What're you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?" Padfoot says contemptuously.

Snivellus screams out a whole stream of swear words and hexes.

"Wash out your mouth! _Scourgify!_"

Pink soap bubbles pour out of Snivellus' mouth, making him gag. Padfoot laughs sadistically, an uncanny likeness to that of his _charming_ cousin Bellatrix's laugh.

"Leave him ALONE!"

I whip around, I move my hand to my hair. Evans looks so beautiful when she's angry.

"All right Evans?" I ask her, smiling broadly.

"Leave him alone," she repeats. "What's he done to you?"

"Well," I say, "it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…"

Padfoot and Wormtail laugh but Moony, who's still reading and Lily don't.

"You think you're funny. But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him _alone_."

"I will, if you go out with me," I watch her face. "Go on, go out with me and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."

"I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and a giant squid."

"Bad luck, Prongs," Padfoot says, turning back to Snivellus.

"OI!" Padfoot shouts, suddenly.

I feel a stab of pain, a massive slash appears on my face splatters my robes with blood. I whirl around, sending Snivellus up-side down from his ankle. His robes fall over his head, revealing his grey boxers. I look at Evans, her mouth almost twitches into a smile.

"Let him down!"

"Certainly," I let Snivellus fall into a crumpled heap.

Padfoot shouts '_Petrificus Totalus_' and Snivellus keels over.

"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Evans takes out her own wand, Padfoot and I watch it wearily.

"Ah, Evans, don't make me hex you," I say.

"Take the curse off him then!"

I take off the curse.

"There you go," I tell him. "You're lucky Evans was here, Snivellus –"

"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"

Evans blinks slowly.

"Fine, I won't bother in future. And I'd wash your pants, if I were you, _Snivellus_."

"Apologise to Evans!" I roar at him. How dare he insult my future girlfriend, I point my wand at him threateningly.

"I don't want _you_ to make him apologise. You're just as bad as he is."

"What? I'd NEVER call you a – you-know-what!"

"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can – I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with your fat head on it, You make me SICK."

She turns on her heel and hurries away. Is she crying?

"Evans! Hey, EVANS!"

She doesn't look back.

"What is it with her?" I try to make the question casual.

"Reading between the lines, I'd say she thinks you're a bit conceited mate." Padfoot says.

"Right."

How could she think that? How could I let her think that?

* * *

><p>THAT EVENING<p>

LILY'S P.O.V

I've been sobbing since I got back to Gryffindor Tower. I'd never thought that Sev, sorry _Snivellus_, would call me the m-word. I thought he was different, I thought he was my friend. I trusted him with everything I had and I depended on him for such a long time. At Spinner's End, he was my only refuge. I valued our relationship higher than I valued the relationship I have with Mar and Alice. Suddenly, I can see how stupid and unobservant I've been. Sev's changed and I suppose I have too and we keep trying to live in our old shells but we're different people. Hogwarts has changed us and I don't think we can be friends anymore.

As for Potter, I hate him most of all. In a way, it's a good thing he provoked Snivellus otherwise I may not have realised how much he has changed but even so, Potter's a complete idiot. I'm lying on my bed and I haven't talked to anybody in hours.

Alice enters our dormitory.

"Lily! Snivellus is outside! He says he refuses to move until you come out! He's says he's going to sleep there all night unless you come out and see him."

"Hasn't anyone told him to fuck off?"

"Of course, be he's still there."

I groan and get off my bed, stalk down the stairs, push people away from the portrait hole and step outside the tower.

"What are you doing here?"

"Look, Lily, I am so sorry."

"I'm not interested."

"I really am sorry, I didn't mean to call you a –"

"Mudblood? You call every one of my blood heritage a Mudblood, why should I be any different?"

"Lily, you're my best friend and I didn't mean what I said. Potter, " he spits, "made me angry and confused. I didn't mean –"

"Save it, Severus. Save it for your Death Eater friends because I'm not putting up with your shit anymore."

"Lily," he sounds desperate, "do you know what will happen when I go back to Slytherin house? They'll kill me for coming here but it's worth it Lily. I need you, Lily. I won't be able to cope if you're not my friend at Spinner's End."

"Don't do that, Sev. Please don't guilt trip me. I can't handle it, not anymore. I've done this too long and it's exhausting."

I slam the portrait door in his face. As soon as his face is obscured from view, I collapse into sobs. Even though I ended the friendship, I can't help the tears. It's hard losing a best friend and its hard keeping yourself together. Merlin, why do I keep crying? It's getting pathetic.

Even though I know everybody has left the common room, I feel a presence behind me.

"All right, Evans?" Potter. Just great.

"I'm _fine_, Potter," I wipe my eyes quickly, and breathe.

"No, you're not, Evans. Even I can tell that with my, what was it? Fat head?"

I splutter out a laugh in spite of myself.

"I really hate you, Potter," I wipe my eyes again but more tears fall.

"Well, I don't hate you."

"Are you sure about that? You've been nothing but a pain for the last five years."

"No, I haven't."

"Yes, you have. Didn't you listen to anything I said earlier?"

"I listen to everything you say, Evans."

"Right, that doesn't sound creepy at all," I mumble into my sleeve.

"I know that you're upset because Snivellus is a twat but I shouldn't have egged him on, I suppose. Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't feel comfortable talking to you, Potter."

"Maybe we should rectify that. I'm not a bad person," Potter says.

"Well, I've been friends with Sev for so many years and now he's sort of left me. Not that you'd understand."

"I'd never leave you."

"Careful, Potter, someone might think you fancy me or something."

"You know, I would hug you at this point, but I'm slightly terrified that you might gouge my eyes out."

I smile. "Thanks Potter. You're not quite as a big of a charlatan as we all thought."

"I'm touched, good-night Evans."

"Good-night, Potter."

I walk upstairs to my bed, mentally cursing myself for complimenting Potter.


	8. An Impossible Situation

**A/N: ****I don't own anything, it all belongs to the simply magical J K Rowling. Here is Chapter 8!**

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><p>LAST DAY OF SCHOOL BEFORE THE SUMMER HOLIDAY - BEFORE SIXTH YEAR<p>

Lily's P.O.V

* * *

><p>Marlene, Alice and I push forward to find our usual compartment on the train. The journey back from Hogwarts is always depressingly nostalgic. Although having said that, it is odd to think that I only have two years left at Hogwarts, I honestly don't know where the time goes.<p>

Marlene is eager to get on the train, like most students, she is anticipating the holidays with great zest. Alice, on the other hand, is like me – dreading the next miserable six weeks spent with insufferable family members and instead of looking forward to our time spent at home, we count down the miserable days until we see our friends.

Marlene has never understood why Alice and I look forward to school so much but, if she'd met my sister and her pitiful excuse for a boyfriend Vernon, then I'm sure she would agree with me.

"Come on, Alice. You look so depressed! You can't be sad _now_; it's the bloody holidays for Merlin's sake! No more essays, no more joint classes with the Slytherins, no more tedious Potions classes, we're _free_!"

Marlene dances up the corridor and into our compartment.

"I know what I'm doing this holiday, Dad decided we'd all stay at the _Potters_," she pulls a face, "but Mum says she wants us to go to the_ Longbottoms._ My ex will be there and so will his new girlfriend, my brother said we'd go to both. Not only will I have to put up with Sirius and James' immature behaviour but also watch my heart be shattered right in front of me as my ex and his girlfriend display their attraction before my very eyes."

Despite Mar's complaints, I know she'll have a great time. She always does, she comes back with pictures of her family and the friends she's been staying with and she's always wearing her smile. It's not a fake smile, it's Mar's genuine I-love-it-here-and-wouldn't-want-to-be-anywhere-else-right-now smile.

"What about you, Lil?"

"Petunia's bringing her delightfully charismatic boyfriend to stay, Mum's trying to teach me knitting again so watch out for your Christmas presents next year, Dad's taking me to this old car convention and my Aunt May has the nerve to get engaged, so we're going to the bridal shower. Luckily, I'm at school when the wedding takes place so they can't put me in a dress. I honestly can't wait for it all to be over."

"It can't be that bad," Mar frowns. Alice snorts.

"Have you met Petunia?"

"No."

"Count yourself lucky, I had the pleasure of meeting her at the train station once. Never have I seen such a prejudiced Muggle, I swear half the things she said were insults. It's like she thinks she's better than Magical people, which is utterly ridiculous."

"Other than your invidious sister, what else could be bad? You've managed the last years pretty well."

"I had Sev as my friend then," I reply wearily.

The whole thought process of a life without Sev is not only befuddling but emotionally exhausting.

"You don't need Sev; you've got me and Alice."

"You're not going to be around much, Mar."

"No," Mar sighs, defeated, "but next year, next year we'll all do something together."

* * *

><p>Alice sits in uninterrupted silence, spacey and unaware of our conversation.<p>

"Alice?" Mar snaps her fingers impatiently. "ALICE!"

Alice stirs abruptly and scowls at Mar.

"I heard you," she snaps.

"Good, what are you doing this summer? In fact, forget that. Why are you being such a fucking misanthropist?"

"I'm not being a misanthropist, you're highly over-exaggerating. I just hate people at the moment."

"See? There it is again! You've been nothing but a miserable bitch in the last week; care to tell us what the fuck is wrong? We are you your bloody friends and don't tell me you're PMS-ing because we all know that was last week."

"If you're my friends, I wish you'd do a better job at it. My friends would have noticed by now."

"That was out of order, we're your friends not effing mind readers. We don't know what the hell is wrong unless you use what evolution gave you – your bloody mouth."

"It's Amos, okay? We had a bit of a fight and I said some stuff and he said some stuff and he was shouting…" Alice's eyes tear up and her body shakes violently.

"Hang on, go back a bit. Explain the fight," Mar says soothingly, sitting next to Alice and putting her arm around her, I sit on Alice's other side and give her a tissue.

"Well, I caught him snogging Dorcas Meadowes on the second floor. He saw me and of course pushed Dorcas away, Dorcas was really confused and he told her he'd sort it out with her later and came to find me. He said that it wasn't what it looked like and I got really upset. He didn't understand why I was upset; he said that he was sorry and that everybody makes mistakes. I told him that while I didn't disagree with his logic, I wasn't going to be one of his mistakes. I asked him how long it had been going on, he told me three weeks. We'd only been going out five weeks and I asked why he'd carried on and he said it was because I didn't concentrate on the physical side of the relationship and Dorcas was prepared to go further than I was. Not _all_ the way, I don't think, but you know.

I said that he was ridiculous and that loads of girls aren't ready for that sort of relationship at 16 and I'm still 15 so it's not even legal. He said that if I wasn't ready, I should have told him and I said what good would that do? 'Cause he still snogged Dorcas. He got angry and said that that wasn't the sort of guy he was, that he was a good person. I asked why he did that, because he knows it would upset me. He knew and he still did it and he said that he wants not just an emotional relationship but wants to progress further. I said that I wasn't ready, but I guess he was so he said that I either started getting into that kind of thing or left.

Then I started crying harder and he shouted that he couldn't do this any longer and he said if I told anyone he'd cheated, he would hurt me or whatever. I guess he doesn't want people to think he's anything but sweet and sometimes he'll smile at me in the corridors but then frown at me and he'll watch me all the time and technically we're still together because he doesn't want the break up to look abrupt, but sort of like we casually drifted apart."

"What a _twat_."

"What a completely narcissistic, ignorant, devious, malicious, meticulous, disgusting, slippery, wormy _bastard_," Marlene scowls, her fists bunching up.

Alice laughs and I smirk, Mar has a habit of over-emphasising her point. Black pokes his head around the door.

"Hey," he says weakly, clearly having heard everything we've said.

"Get out," Mar's eyebrows knot together.

"What?" Black splutters.

"Don't you know _anything_ about girls? Out."

"Why?"

"And you wonder why girls don't want to kiss you," Mar sighs. "Alice has just been hurt, she wants privacy, she doesn't need the added embarrassment of you knowing about her private life and telling your friends. It's none of your business. She's grieving and needs alone time with people she trusts."

Mar stands up, her face red and angry. Black hesitates. Mar sends a stinging hex at his foot. Black yelps.

"Message understood," he exits sharply.

* * *

><p>LAST WEEK OF THE HOLIDAYS<p>

* * *

><p>I pour myself a mug of tea and sit at the table with the Daily Prophet and Witch Weekly. Tuney's not up yet, thank God. I sigh as the hot steam rises from my mug and into my face.<p>

Dad enters the room, with his black coffee and morning paper. He grunts a hello to me before starting on the Muggle task of making porridge. Tuney bounds down the stairs, clearly having had a good night. She comes in positively beaming and sees me – her face falls. She looks at the moving pictures in my paper and frowns disapprovingly. She whispers "freak" to me as she passes.

I roll my eyes; the insult is getting just about as old as "Mudblood". Tuney's been nothing but a bitch all holiday, calling me names, throwing me dirty looks, telling the neighbours about my so-called 'disability' and my school for mad people. My mood instantly lifts when I see Marlene's snowy owl. I run to the back yard to untie the letter.

_Dear Lil,_

_Hey darling! Hope Petunia's not be an intolerable pain in the ass and that this Vernon is not as pompous as he sounds. Anyways, here's just to give you a head's up, can you floo to my house in about five hours? Bring your suitcase and stuff, you and Alice are staying at mine for the last week of the holidays! We don't have to go to the Longbottoms' humble abode after all! Happy times, right? I would say RSVP ASAP, but I know you're not doing anything and my mother already telephone communicated your mother so I know that it's okay. I can't believe we have a telephone, I was always under the impression it worked like a television so I tried looking into it and my mother just laughed. See ya later, Lil,_

_Marlene_

_X_

I smile at her letter and shout at my Dad to say I'm leaving in five hours. This next week is going to be fantastic.

* * *

><p>AT LIGHTWOOD MANSION<p>

* * *

><p>I'm having a great time with Alice and Mar but no so much with the guests she failed to mention. Her parents, as kind and as polite as they are, have no idea what they've got themselves in for inviting Potter and Black to stay.<p>

A fun fact about Potter and Black, they live together. Apparently, Black's having home issues and I don't blame him. Imagine having Bellatrix and Narcissa as your cousins. Which was nice of the Potters, I suppose.

Right now, I'm in Mar's room, lying on my mattress.

"Wake up, Evans! Wake up! Everybody else is up! Come on Evans!" Potter shouts through the door.

I groan, he's been doing this for the past three days – every morning at 6 am.

"If you don't come out in three minutes, I'm coming in."

I pull the covers over my head; I've never been a mornings person. Potter barges in.

"So _lazy_, Evans."

"It's the bloody holidays; I'm allowed to be lazy."

"Not today, our letters arrive today, in case you'd forgotten."

I bury my head in my pillow as he draws the curtains with a flick of his wand. He then makes my duvet disappear, luckily I wear pyjamas. I curl into a ball.

"Evans, get up. Don't make me hex you," he taunts; I remember the last time he told me that, when Sev called me a Mudblood.

"Piss off, Potter."

I then feel a wave of icy cold water. Potter had cast a bucket of water and chucked it over me. I jump up, grab my dressing gown and grab my wand.

"You're going to pay for that, _Potter._"

Potter smirks and I chase him down the stairs, shooting hexes at him every chance I get. He races all around the second floor before heading to the first floor. I chase him through the dining room where everybody is eating and into the Lightwood garden which is more like a meadow judging by its size.

I get Potter with a Jelly-legs jinx and he falls to the floor. He can't stop laughing and I magic away the dampness from my clothes but can't quite seem to get it out of my hair. I take the jinx off and scowl at him.

"Is that all you got, Evans?" he smirks.

We duel for a while until I get him with a cold bucket of ice water and he chases me around the field. We have to stop eventually because we can't run anymore and we collapse on the grass.

I'm the first to get up, Potter casts an _Expelliarmus_ but it's half-hearted because he's laughing so hard and I only stumble back a little, I shoot him a half-hearted body-binding hex and he falls over again. I enter the dining room.

"Care to tell us what that's about?" Mar asks, giving Alice a look.

"Potter woke me up with a bucket of cold water," I say bitterly.

Black laughs but Mr and Mrs Lightwood frown. I collapse into a chair, Potter falls into the one next to Black. Mr and Mrs Lightwood give Potter a disapproving look.

"What?" he says.

"You know full well what, is that any way to treat a lady? Is it James? You can't throw a bucket of cold water on people in the mornings. We promised your parents that we wouldn't let anything get out of hand."

"To be fair, she got me back pretty good."

"That is not the point," Mrs Lightwood sighs, taking her plate into the kitchen.

Just at that moment, several owls arrive with letters and drop the in front of the corresponding person. I open mine up, OWL results. I got all Outstandings and then a letter about school supplies. I smile and look at Mar and Alice's letters.

"What d'you get?" Mar asks.

"All Outstandings," I say.

"Funny, Prongs got the same…" Black smirks and Potter smirks with him.

Christ, how could I forget? We had a bet on this, didn't we? Potter and I, I said that if he got all Outstandings and Exceeds Expectation that I'd kiss him….

This would be a long day.


	9. The Start of Something Extraordinary

**A/N: Once again, I don't own anything, all credit goes to J K Rowling. I'm sorry, this chapter won't be of great standard but I had a few ideas and I needed to upload, so... *shrug* here it is. Please don't hate me, I promise the quality will be better in future.**

* * *

><p>A COUPLE OF VERY LONG SECONDS LATER<p>

* * *

><p>Inside my head, I'm cursing my Gryffindor honour. Why did I ever agree to this? I do not want to kiss Potter. Besides, I've had enough of kissing since <em>*shudder*<em> Severus kissed me.

"Lily? Are you okay?"

"What? Yeah," I shake my head, ridding myself of my thoughts.

"Looks like I won the bet, Evans."

"It certainly seems so," I gulp.

Black can't contain his obvious amusement.

"You have to snog Prongs! Prongs and Evans sitting on a broomstick! How does it go again, Prongsy?"

"I have no idea you crazy excuse for a best friend."

"I'm sure it went on about licking and Quidditch, do you really not remember it? I'm sure we used to sing it or maybe I read on an Exploding Joke box. I really don't know. Prongs and Evans sitting on a broomstick, flying something somewhere, something about kissing and then falling off…"

"He's mad," I say to Mar.

We sit in silence and then Alice, Mar and I go upstairs to get dressed. On the way upstairs, Mar and Alice won't shut up about me having to kiss Potter and Potter fancying me and despite my constant rejections to their statements, they carry on regardless.

"I don't know why you're upset, it's not like James is bad looking and I bet he's loads better at snogging than Snivellus. This is probably a good thing, imagine if you never kissed anyone because of a bad first experience."

"Lots of people don't so things if they've had a bad first experience," I frown at Mar.

"Really? Like what?"

"Paragliding, flying, dying…"

"You're not going to die more than once, Lil."

"Maybe not but it's still a good example. How can I get out of it?"

"How about if I kiss Sirius and then it will all be less awkward?"

"If you want to snog Black, I don't think you'd need a reason."

"Oooh! So you think he's hot?"

"That's not what I meant. I meant that if you want to snog someone, then you shouldn't need a reason like me. I don't want to be the reason that you two exchanged saliva."

"Good, because he's taken. You know Lily, you have a habit of making wonderful and amazing things sound disgusting."

"I'm not a romantic, I can't help it."

When we're ready we head off to Diagon Alley, the boys keep sniggering and wandering off so in the end, we leave them to it.

* * *

><p>9 PM – THE LIGHTWOOD MANSION<p>

* * *

><p>We've only got tonight before we get on the train tomorrow so Mrs Lightwood (damn her hospitality!) invited Remus and Peter to stay as well which is great for them but it means that all of the Marauders are back together which is not so great for us. Marlene, Alice and I have retreated slowly back to our room hearing the occasional THUD or BANG from downstairs followed by Mrs Lightwood's rage.<p>

I smile a little to myself; it's easy to forget Tuney and our painful separation when the Marauders are being normal. Normality is bliss at the moment.

"Do you think James has told the others about you having to snog him?" Marlene says suddenly.

"I'm sure he has," I say. I can feel my insides squirming.

"The important question is, do you want to kiss him?" Marlene smirks, giving me a curious look.

"I don't!" I say exasperatedly.

"Oh, come on! I don't believe that. He's been staring at you since fourth year or something!"

"He's an absolute prick," I say, already tired of the conversation.

"No he's not, not much anymore. Trust me; the Marauders are funnier now, less mean."

"Just because you're snogging Black."

"Actually, Sirius is no longer a Black," Marlene counters.

"What?"

"You know how he and James are very brotherly? Well, he moved out of his house when he was sixteen and James' parents took him in, which is real nice, isn't it? He told me his parents burnt him off the family tree."

"Oh," I say.

I honestly don't what to say, I don't want to pity him. His family are a load of dicks, but it's got to hurt to be abandoned by your family. I may not like Tuney but the words she says still hurt. I suppose I understand Black, sorry, Sirius more than I thought.

"Anyway, who I'm snogging is none of your business."

"Really? You always seemed to relish telling us who you were exchanging bacteria with."

"Ew, Lily. You almost make kissing sound repulsive. I assure you, most boys can kiss better than Snivellus."

My heart twinges, another clear reminder of the friend I've lost. First Tuney then Severus, how many more people am I going to lose? Mar notices me wincing and throws a helpless look my way.

"I'm going to go –" I get up before the tears fall.

I notice Alice gives Marlene a dirty look.

"What was I supposed to say? I thought she was over it..." I hear Mar hiss.

I run out to the garden, the tears streaming down my face. I feel all the memories of Tuney and Sev come back to me. All those smiles, all those jokes, all those moments of happiness… Then I remember all the arguments, all the shouting and all the painful times and betrayal. It wasn't particularly difficult to see them go, not like some people, but even though my pain is nothing compared to others, it still hurts.

I lie on my back and look up to the stars. Tuney and I watched the stars. For hours on end, we'd look up and make up our own constellations. I miss having the unconditional love of a sister. The light from the stars seem to shine on my tears, like the light would shine on the sea. Now I'm babbling in my head. Shut up. If only my thoughts would stop, I'd make life so much easier for myself.

"Lily?"

I don't respond. Whoever it is doesn't need to know that I'm upset. I'd only have to explain it and that's the last thing I want to do.

The figure lies down beside me and says nothing but they don't have to. Their presence is all I need. After a while, the figure grasps my hand and squeezes it. I turn to face them. Remus smiles back at me, he has always been kind to me, supportive too.

"It's all a bit much, with Tuney and Sev…"

"You don't need to explain your emotions, Lily."

I am grateful; Remus is one of those people that you need in times such as this. We sit up, slowly and talk like old times and I find myself wondering why I ever bothered with all the tears about Tuney and Sev, anyway.

"…You know, Prongs is very excited about winning his bet."

"I can imagine," I sigh.

"Don't worry, Prongs isn't as much of, how do you put it?"

"An arrogant toerag?"

"Exactly, he's not much of an arrogant toerag anymore. Don't take my word on it; he's still arrogant just not as much."

"I can't wait to get back to Hogwarts."

"Me neither, it's all too tense being here. Padfoot's been disowned, Wormtail's all anxious about this Dark Magic and Prongs won't stop jinxing people in the street. It's easier at Hogwarts when they wreak havoc in a controlled environment."

Remus heads off inside and I wait for a while. I hear voices and Potter comes out of the house and sits next to me.

"All right, Evans?"

"Fine," I mutter.

"So, I won the bet. You know what that means…" he leans in close to me but I push him away.

I get to my feet.

"Evans, we had a deal."

"Yeah, I know."

"Well, then. We shouldn't be wasting time," he closes the gap between us.

"I tell you what, if you can beat me to that tree, then I won't jinx you after, you know, after we..."

"Kiss? You'll never beat me, Evans. I play Quidditch."

"What a coincidence," I say dryly.

"You play too?" he looks at me.

"Yes, of course I do. Are you running or not?"

"Fine, but don't blame me when you lose…"

We sprint to the tree at the end of the garden, me tripping him up, him tackling me to the floor. He pulls me up from the floor and hugs me into him. His lips are on mine before my mouth can protest and even though I know I should stop, I sort of like it. I can feel every cell in my body vibrating with quivers. My mouth is on fire and my heart explodes. His hand go around my waist and my hands find his neck.

He kisses me deeper, more passionately. I suppose I lied when I said I didn't fancy him. I do, but I don't want to like him. He's still arrogant, he still bullies people, he still teases me in a mean sort of way. Eventually, I sum up all my hatred toward him and push away. I don't have anything smart or clever to say, so I walk away quickly before he mentions my hesitation before pulling away.

* * *

><p>JAMES' P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>"Fine, but don't blame me when you lose…"<p>

I begin to sprint, she's fast. Admirably so, but I'm faster. She attempts to trip me up several times, never quite succeeding. I push her to the grass and she laughs uncontrollably. I take my chance, pull her up from the ground and hold her close to me before pressing my lips onto hers.

Strangely, she doesn't pull away and I know that I've waited so long for this and it feels amazing. It's a strange feeling of ecstasy, like floating on air. Her eyes open and she pushes me away, I frown. Why would she do that? She starts walking away but I don't tell her to come back because LILY EVANS KISSED ME and Padfoot owes me ten galleons.


	10. The Matter of Hatred

**A/N:**** the usual disclaimer, I do not own anything, it all belongs entirely to J K Rowling. Thank you for reviewing, following, favorite-ing and reading! I hope you enjoy this chapter, brace yourselves for a lot of insults.**

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><p>THE NEXT DAY- LAST<p>

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

><p>I roll out of bed at 6 am on the dot. Hogwarts today! This will be my sixth year and the start of studying for NEWTS. I stumble dizzily around Mar's room and throw my stuff into my case, get dressed and lug myself and the case down the two extra sets of stairs for breakfast.<p>

Sirius, Mar and Alice and Remus are the only ones awake. All of them look a little drowsy but Sirius perks up when he sees me.

"Oi, Evans! Care to tell us what made Prongs so happy last night?" Sirius smirks to Remus.

"Good morning to you, too."

"So? We're dying to hear what happened! You didn't tell us _anything_ yesterday," Alice leans forward eagerly.

"Didn't Potter tell you?" I ask Sirius.

"No! He refused to say anything, just came in with a soppy grin on his face."

"Oh, well he won the bet," I sit down awkwardly.

At that moment, Potter appears in the door way. He is indeed wearing a soppy grin.

"Morning all and Evans," he says cheerily.

"_Anyway_, he won the bet and then what, any details?" Mar says ignoring Potter's sudden appearance.

"Nothing _happened_. He won the bet, he kissed me. End of story," I feel guilty telling the lie and I see Mar and Alice's faces droop.

I get up to walk out. I get to the bottom of the first set of stairs and then somebody grabs my wrist. I turn and see Potter standing there.

"Let go of me, Potter."

He releases me almost instantly.

"Did it really mean nothing to you?" he asks.

"What?"

"The kiss," he says impatiently. "I was under the assumption that you liked it –"

"Well, you assumed wrong."

"So, we're not –"

"We never have been and never will be anything."

"You don't mean that, Evans."

"Bite me, Potter. I'd still take the giant squid over you."

I leave quickly before I say anything else I'll regret. I feel tears spark in my eyes but I blink them away. It's only Potter. The boy who teases and makes fun of you, the boy who bullies first years, the boy that hexes your ex-best-friend. You don't care about him. Not at all.

* * *

><p>FOUR WEEKS LATER<p>

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

><p>Things with James have gotten worse. His teasing is more mean than it is flirtatious, his comments have a bitterness rather than a light humour, his arrogance has grown twice as much and he's in non-stop trouble bullying first years and hexing people that do so much as look at him wrong. It's easy to forget that kiss when I can hate him as easily as I used to. Yet, some part of me doesn't fully despise him. Maybe Mar's right, maybe I am mad.<p>

I sit in the library, I always read when I'm upset or angry – it helps me forget everything that's on my mind. This time, Potter and I had another argument and his words got to me more than they should have. He didn't call me a slut but he implied it, the same way as he implied that I was stupid and the same way he implied that I wasn't good enough to be here. His words send a blunt cut to me every time, they don't bleed very much but sometimes I get to many cuts in the same place and it hurts.

"Lily, I know you're upset but you need –" Remus appears opposite me.

"Why would you possibly think I was upset?" I say sarcastically.

"Come on, Lily. I didn't know he was going to say that."

"You didn't exactly stop him either."

"I can't control everything he says."

"No, but you could stick on my side."

"There aren't any sides."

"Right," I say exasperatedly. Remus never could stand up to the Marauders. "What do I _need_ to do this time?"

"Apologise to James."

"_Me,_ apologise to _him_. What did I do?"

"You said stuff as well, it takes two to have an argument."

"I'm not apologising until he apologises for being an insufferable git."

"Lily, please? It's really hard on us when you two fight."

"You think I _like_ being insulted? You think I _like_ my purity being insulted? You think I _like_ my honour insulted? Do you think –?"

"You've made your point and no, he doesn't have any right to question a woman's chaste."

"So why am I apologising? He's being a sexist bastard."

"I know, but you said some hurtful stuff as well."

"It's nothing he hasn't heard before! He knows he's a bully and that he's a conceited, self-righteous and ignorant."

"Believe it or not, but James has feelings too. Imagine if he said those things to you."

I frown.

"I'd like him to imagine being called a slut."

"He didn't call you that."

"Yes, but we all knew he would have done if _Frank Longbottom_ hadn't shut him up!"

"We wouldn't have let him –"

"Oh really? You didn't seem to be doing much but standing beside him while I got verbally attacked."

"It was an argument, not an assault."

"You console yourself with that, Remus. Sometimes I wonder where your moral judgement is."

He looks torn but I ignore it, snap my book shut and storm out of the library. People stare but I don't let it bother me. _Apologise to Potter,_ now there's something I haven't heard before. I almost laugh.

* * *

><p>SLUGHORN'S CHRISTMAS PARTY<p>

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

><p>"Are you sure you're going to be okay, Lil?" Mar looks at me concernedly as she links arms with a cute Ravenclaw boy outside the Great Hall.<p>

"Yes, it will be nice having the Common Room to myself for once. I might even get some work done."

"I don't want you to be on your own, though. Besides, what am I telling Slughorn?"

"Just tell him that I'm ill."

"Right you are, see you later, Lil."

"Don't get too drunk!" I call after and she laughs a response something like 'I will!'

I turn around to head back to Gryffindor Tower and come face-to-face with Potter. I scowl at him and walk away, quickly. I've been doing a lot of walking away recently.

"Wait up, Evans."

"Why? So you can insult me some more?" I carry on speed walking.

"You make me sound like a complete idiot."

"It doesn't take skill to make you sound like an idiot, you've been doing it for the last six years by yourself."

"Witty, Evans. I just wanted to talk, you know, like we used to."

"We never used to talk. I've always hated you because you're an insolent, disrespectful –"

"I'm not disrespectful."

"Yes, you are."

"No, I'm really not. Aren't you going to Slughorn's party this year?"

"I didn't want to go on my own and I didn't want people thinking I was a slut if I did go with someone –"

"You're not a slut, Evans."

"You've changed your tune, yesterday you told me that I was a dirty, stupid slag."

"No, I didn't!" he yelps.

"Something along those lines," I wave my hand dismissively. "You implied them and implying them is just as bad as actually saying them. Some girls have feelings, you know."

"I can be a gentleman, let me show you –"

"Oh I see, you're only being nice to me because you don't have a date and are sexually frustrated."

"I _do_ have a date, her name's Lisa? Eliza? Lillian? Lauren?"

"_Lucy_. Her name is Lucy. So you _do_ want two girls at once."

"You're so full of it, Evans. As if I'd want to kiss you _and _Lea."

"_Lucy_. Have you really been with so many girls that you can't remember their names?"

"Now you're making me sound like a player."

"You _are_ a player. Weren't you going out with Rachel when I caught you kissing Vera?"

"Sh! That was a mistake. Besides, Rachel was kissing Ferdinand anyway."

"What about the other time when you were kissing Helena when you were going out with Thalia?"

"How did you _know_ about that?"

"I caught you in Flitwick's classroom on Prefect patrols. I did shout at you."

"You shout at me so often, I can't even remember," then he smirks widely. "In fact, you shout so often, people passing by think that –"

"Don't even. I'm not in the mood for innuendos."

"_Fine_. What do you want to do?"

"I don't want to do anything, I still hate you. You're an inconsiderate player."

"I'm not saying you're wrong," I smirk triumphantly, "but I can be a nice person."

"I highly doubt that."

"What is your problem, Evans? Do you want me to be mean to you? Does your big bad sister not love you? Is that the problem?"

My body swells up with anger.

"Don't you _dare_."

"Dare what? Is little Evansie missing her best fwend Snivellus, too?" he says, patronisingly.

"Shut up! You have no right to say things like that."

"It's called freedom of speech, Evans. I don't expect you've heard of it, what with ickle Snivelly protecting you from everything. Where is Snivelly now, Evans?"

"Piss off! It's none of your business and I've moved on from that. No thanks to you."

"I think you'll find it's all thanks to me. That piece of shit deserves everything he gets."

"You're not law, court and order, Potter."

"Evans, you're insults aren't as good anymore. Come on, give me your best."

"I'm not bothering with you, Potter, I don't need to insult you; nature's already done that for me."

"Mature, Evans."

"You started it and who are you to call me immature?"

"What does that mean?"

"Exactly what I said! You're an immature, arrogant toerag who swaggers around the place, kissing girls, insulting first years, getting into trouble and relying on Remus to get you out. You're so incapable and blind! Remus saves your neck more than he cares to admit."

"Maybe you don't understand the concept of _friends_, Evans. We help each other out, not that you would know."

"What does that mean?"

"I wouldn't be friends with you, you're too needy, and always getting your feelings hurt, somebody's always got to protect you –"

"I'm perfect capable of looking after myself, I don't _ask_ people to help me!"

"Are you sure, it's always something with you, isn't it? You're always so defensive and when people get through to you, you _lie_. Remember last summer?"

"I did what I did, I'm not the only one who makes mistakes."

"There you go again, why do you have to be such a BITCH?"

I feel my whole body zone out.

All I can hear is Potter saying: _why do you have to be such a bitch? Why do you have to be such a bitch? Why do you have to be such a bitch? Why do you have to be such a bitch?_

Then there is darkness.


	11. An Epiphany of the Soul

**A/N: Sorry, I forgot to add the author's note! I don't own anything, the ideas, characters, concept, etc. all belongs to the enchanting J K Rowling. Thank you so much for the support and reviews! Thank you so much to lilly flower forever for reviewing almost every chapter and to everybody who read and reviewed, followed, favourite-ed and all that good stuff. May you have a happy future!**

* * *

><p>JAMES' P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>Evans has been so <em>irritating<em> recently. It's not the playful banter I'm used to; she keeps retaliating with something harsher than what I said to her. We're like nuclear atoms, we can't be within two meters of each other without something setting off. She brings out all the anger and passion inside me. Sometimes that's a good thing, but most of the time as of late, it's not.

"I did what I did, I'm not the only one who makes mistakes."

"There you go again, why do you have to be such a BITCH?"

I watch her eyes, trying to detect anything unusual, there's anger, hurt, hatred and now, shock. I feel it too. The minute I said 'bitch', I felt something stir. It's quite hard to explain, it was like a sudden flash of lightening, a striking realisation. I realised something, I'm not sure if she did, but I realised that I didn't hate her. Not anymore. We're both taking out our anger on each other because that's easier than having to sort out the real problem.

Quidditch hasn't been going so well, everybody's a bit distracted, myself (unfortunately) included. We all know we're on the verge of a war, we're all trying to stick up for ourselves and stop anyone getting killed. Sometimes our fights with the Slytherins get out of control. As for Evans, everyday she comes back to the Common Room with a new cut on her face, or a bruise on her wrist, or shaking. She refuses to tell anyone what actually happened – it was 'just a trip' or 'I just fell'.

My guess is that she keeps getting ambushed by Slytherins the same way all Muggle-Borns are being ambushed. Evans won't let us help, she's too proud and I suppose she doesn't want the Slytherins to think that she needs Purebloods to protect her. I was fine with that, after all, she and I were fighting and my hatred toward her was greater than my love. Dumbledore would not be impressed by that, he's always saying that we should love not hate, love is the greatest weapon, love will conquer all, etc.

The odd things is, I sort of understand where he's coming from. That stir in the ground, that tremble of the Earth, it felt like something more than an earthquake. Now, I feel like an absolute git for not standing up for her sooner, letting her get hurt when I could so easily stop it. I stop loads of other Muggle-Borns' suffering, why shouldn't I stop hers? Why did I walk on by whilst Bellatrix was tormenting her? Why did I walk away when Mulciber was calling her a dirty Mudblood? Why didn't I stop all that?

At the time, I found it amusing. Here was Gryffindor's star student, struggling for survival at the mercy of a Malfoy. It was hilarious. It's not anymore, not in the slightest. I regret the last few months. If she hadn't lied about that kiss, well, maybe she wouldn't be lying on the ground, lifeless.

* * *

><p>LILY'S P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>I fall back, there was some sort of shake in the ground. I felt a sudden rush of emotion. I don't hate James Potter!<p>

These past few months, they've been hard for everyone. I was angry, that I couldn't stop the Slytherins from hexing from me, that I couldn't stop Amos hurting Alice emotionally, that I couldn't cope with all the lessons I've got, that I couldn't find the time to do Prefect Patrols, homework, sleep and socialising all in 24 hours. So, I got rid of my frustration with something familiar, something which kept me sane, hating Potter. It was so easy, so normal, it actually felt _good_.

Except, it wasn't the hatred I missed, it was his playful teasing, his light-hearted humour, his and the Marauders jokes and pranks which made me laugh. Instead, it ended up spiralling out of control, the humour turned serious, the insults became true, and the words had meaning. We both hated it and we both got hurt.

Remus was right, I was being horrible, worse than horrible. I was being a person that I detested to be, I was being everything I hated in other human beings. The living form of ugly. I wish I could take it all back, go back in time to last summer and set things right. If I could, I would tell Mar and Alice that that kiss, was the best thing I'd ever felt and that I loved James Potter.

If I could, I would kiss James again. I'd apologise, I'd try to set things right. I'm not expecting to be forgiven, but maybe… Maybe he would accept my apology. I don't think I've ever regretted something so much.

* * *

><p>JAMES' P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>I stand over Evans and nudge her with my foot. She doesn't move. I sigh, what is it with girls? Always fainting.<p>

"Mr Potter," a voice says behind me.

I turn around. Professor Dumbledore.

"Wh-what are you doing out here, Professor?"

"I felt like a midnight stroll, then I happened across this corridor and I heard shouting. Tell me a man can resist the temptation of sticking his nose where it doesn't belong?"

"No, Professor."

"Bring Miss Evans, we have much to talk about, Mr Potter."

I lift Evans into my arms, she's light and fits in my arms perfectly. Almost like she was meant to be there. I remember fondly how she knows with whom I'm going out with and all their names. Either Evans is overly observant or she's been stalking me like I stalk her.

We get to Dumbledore's office and I rest Evans on the sofa Dumbledore has. I sit opposite his desk, my usual seat when I get into trouble. Dumbledore looks at me through his half-moon glasses, a twinkle in his eyes.

"With all due respect, Professor, but why am I here?"

"That, Mr Potter, is a question I have tried for many years to answer. Professor McGonagall suggests that you are here because it is your destiny to make a teacher's lesson 'living hell', to quote her exact words. In regards to the world as whole, I'd say that we each have a life and those lives become intertwined with other people's to create the thing we name 'society. In fact, Mr Potter –"

"Professor, I didn't mean why I exist, I meant why I am here, in your office, right now?"

"Of course, Mr Potter. I'm sure you know the answer already."

He sits there expectantly, waiting for me to come out with something extraordinary and intelligent.

"Uh, Evans passed out?"

"Miss Evans did lose consciousness, yes. Why did she, as you put it, 'pass out'?"

"There was shaking, in the ground."

"Interesting."

"What's interesting?"

"I felt no such shaking, none of the portraits are askew. So if the ground _was_ shaking enough for Miss Evans to lose consciousness, then why was there no shaking?"

"I don't understand, Professor."

"There is a theory, Mr Potter, that when you experience a sudden realisation, an epiphany, if you will, that there is a force produced. This force must have been shared between the two of you."

"I still don't understand. So what I experienced was an epiphany?"

"Not just any epiphany, an epiphany of soul. When a wizard or a witch finds that one person, a soul mate, you may call it. When they truly discover their love for them, when they realise what they truly feel, a special bond is created which joins those two people together. It's much more than physical attraction or a friendship, it is the linking of two souls."

"Evans and I are…?"

"Soul mates. This sort of bond is so rare, well, I can't believe it. The two of you have created a certain type of love, one which nothing, no magic, curse or hex could ever undo. You're tied together."

"Does she know?"

"No, I don't think it wise to tell her, either. She should be able to work it out and if not, then I think it's for the best. Not permanently, of course, the bond will only become stronger and harder to ignore. Miss Evans is stressed enough as it is, I don't think she needs the added confusion of an uncannily rare piece of magic. She's go out of her way to undo it which would leave her mentally damaged. Don't you think?"

"Uh, I don't know Professor. I don't like the idea of her not knowing what happened. Anyway, why did she pass out?"

"That, I cannot answer. Who knows why you didn't lose consciousness as well. Maybe Miss Evans' head and emotions got too large to ignore."

"Will she be okay?"

"I don't know," Dumbledore says uneasily. "I have no experience with this sort of magic. Epiphanies of the soul are complicated. She may or may not remember it, I cannot be certain."

"What do we do if she never comes round?"

"She will, of that I am sure. Now, Mr Potter, it is late and I must go to bed. I'll have Madam Pomfrey look after Miss Evans."

"I'm not leaving her on her own."

"As I know of your stubbornness, I am not inclined to argue," Dumbledore sighs.


	12. Apologies and Friendships

**A/N: The usual disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter franchise, J K Rowling does.****Thank you for the reviews! We're up to ten reviews which is fantastic and 15 followers (which is correct when I wrote this) and that is magical. I hope you like this chapter. Not much longer until seventh year! Thank you for sticking with me.**

* * *

><p>FIVE HOURS LATER<p>

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

><p>I've been sitting by Evans' bedside in the Hospital Wing for the last 5 hours. It sounds creepy, watching her sleep, but it's not. Not really. She hasn't stirred yet.<p>

Madam Pomfrey looks over at me suspiciously, but she doesn't tell me to leave. She gave up trying to get me to leave four hours ago. I reach out and hold Evans' hand, giving it a small squeeze. I swear her eyes opened for the briefest moment.

I think back to last summer and how great it felt then, watching her laugh at my jokes and that light-hearted humour in her eyes instead of the weary, dark and exhausted look she's been wearing recently. I look toward the window and see the night sky repaint itself with yellow, orange and pink. Thank Merlin it's Saturday today, I'm so tired. I've had no sleep in 26 hours and the Full Moon was yesterday, or rather the day before yesterday, seeing as it's now 1 am.

"James…"

I turn quickly to see Evans' eyes open. And that's it. It's like falling in love with her all over again. She didn't say _Potter_, she said James. _My_ name. I can't explain it, the sudden rush of love and adrenaline all at once.

"Where am I?" she says, craning her neck but desisting almost immediately because of the pain.

"You're in the Hospital Wing."

"What happened? Was it Bellatrix again?"

"What was Bellatrix again?" I say anxiously.

Her eyes widen completely.

"How long have I been here?"

"About five or six hours."

"_Shit_. I have a Potions essay."

I almost laugh. She's been unconscious for almost six hours and her first worry is _homework_. She then starts to drift back into a heavy sleep and I instantly miss her, even though she's right there. Madam Pomfrey comes over.

"Was she awake?"

"Yeah, she seemed a bit confused."

"Ah, she will be alright, I am certain."

"She talked about Bellatrix."

Madam Pomfrey's face warps into sympathy and anger.

"She should be expelled, that one. Of course Professor Dumbledore refuses to do anything about the racism here. The amount of times Evans has been here on account of that girl, I don't care to count."

Madam Pomfrey bustles over to Lily's side and places her hand on Lily's forehead. She sighs and adjusts the few cards on the bedside table to so that they are all lined up straight. She then looks over the Hospital Wing which is next to empty and sits down opposite me.

"I felt I should do something but you know how Gryffindors are, with their honour," she sighs. "I respect Evans' need for secrecy but she keeps coming back, even worse than before."

"What sort of stuff does Black do to her?"

"I do not wish to divulge that information, thank you Potter. If Evans wants to tell you, then I'm sure she will," Madam Pomfrey says curtly, getting up and walking back to her office.

I turn back to Lily.

"Oh and Potter, when she wakes up, let her rest. Rest is crucial at this point in recovery, if she starts sitting up, alert me."

I smile, Madam Pomfrey has always been sure that rest is the best cure for anything. I can't help wishing that she's wake up, even if it would delay her complete recovery, I just need to hear her voice again.

* * *

><p>THREE HOURS LATER<p>

* * *

><p>I'm awakened with a start. I hadn't realised I'd fallen asleep.<p>

"Prongs! We haven't seen you in days!" Padfoot sits down next to me, cheerily.

"Evans went unconscious, so I stayed with her."

"We figured as much," Moony drops his bag on the floor and pulls up a chair.

"How?"

Moony exhales, impatiently.

"You may have forgotten that I'm her friend. If she's not with Marlene and Alice, she's not in the library and not in the Great Hall then she's in the Hospital Wing."

"Oh and we had the map," Padfoot says helpfully.

"Why would you assume the Hospital Wing?" I ask.

"I never thought I'd say this, Prongs but have you not been paying any attention to Lily? She's been in the Hospital Wing almost all month!"

"I didn't –"

"No, you've been horrible to Lily for the past few months, would it be too much to ask that you helped her out once in a while?"

"What? So you've been fighting with her then?"

"Yes! Along with a few others, but I won't expect you to have noticed," Moony says huffily.

At that moment, Lily stirs and wakes up.

"James," she says and my heart explodes.

"Lily, how are you doing?" I ask.

"Okay, my head hurts a bit. What happened and why are you here?"

"Hey Lily!" Moony perks up instantly.

"Remus," she smiles and I feel a twinge of jealousy.

"How are you holding up?"

"I'm fine. What about you? How are the Slytherins?"

"Same old, they're not trying that hard. Frank got Mulciber with a Stinging Hex right in the eye."

Lily winces but smiles.

"What about Mar? How's she?"

"Fine, they're all dreadfully worried about you. You're never gone this long, we all thought you'd been ambushed or something."

"Why aren't they here?"

"Mar's suffering from hangover and Alice is still in bed."

"What time is it?"

"Only 7 am and it's a Saturday."

"So why are you all here?"

"Prongs was gone, so we knew something must have happened. I'm just glad you didn't kill each other," Padfoot says.

"I don't _hate_ James," she laughs.

Padfoot falls off his chair.

"_James_? Oh sweet Merlin, what did you do to her, Prongs?" Padfoot asks, in utter shock.

"Nothing," I say giving him a forceful look which meant: _I'll tell you later_.

Madam Pomfrey bustles out of her office wearing a frown.

"Come on all of you, out. Out you go! OUT! No complaints, Evans needs her rest."

Moony, Padfoot and Wormtail leave. Madam Pomfrey gives me a cautious look before giving Lily a potion.

"You need to spend the rest of the day here but after that, you'll be right as rain," she says.

She sweeps out, narrowing her eyes at me as she goes.

"Why am I here James?" she says seriously.

"You fell, don't you remember?"

"No, not really," she shakes her head, frustrated. "I said some bad stuff, didn't I?"

I don't say anything, because she's right and because I also said 'bad stuff'.

"I did, didn't I?" she persists.

"I did, too."

"I'm sorry, James. I really am, I wish I could take all of it back and I wish I'd never lied about the kiss last summer –"

"Lily, don't, it doesn't matter –"

"No! It does matter. That kiss made me feel like nothing ever has done before. It felt amazing and I was stupid for not acting on it. I didn't think you were responsible enough and you were still picking on other children and bullying Severus," she says, bitterly.

"I'm sorry about that," I say, meaning the Snivellus incident. She _did_ like the kiss, I knew it.

"Don't be, he deserved it. I'm sorry James, you were right, I am a bitch. I want you to know I'm sorry."

Her eyes get red and her voice catches. I look anxiously toward Madam Pomfrey's office.

"Don't get yourself worked up, okay? Pomfrey will have my head. I'm sorry for all the stuff I said, as well. I shouldn't have said all those things and I should have helped you out with Bellatrix," I watch the sudden change in her face once I mention Bellatrix.

"How did you find out?" she says in a small voice.

"I don't know much, just that she was picking on you and sending you to the Hospital Wing," I feel the anger rise immediately.

"She can do a lot worse than that," Lily gives a hollow laugh.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

"Not really, I know you'd try to do something and that's the last thing I need."

"So full of it, Lily. What makes you think I'd stand up for you?"

She cracks a smile. As she shifts in her bed, I notice a scar on her arm.

"What's that?" I say, my eyes never leaving the part of the scar I can see.

She pulls down her sleeve instantly, the effort draining her.

"I'm fine."

"Let me see," I insist.

She shakes her head.

"It's embarrassing."

"I'm not going to judge you, Lily. I'm your friend."

She raises her eyebrows at the word 'friend' but doesn't correct me or disagree. She carefully pulls up her sleeve to reveal a large scar across her upper arm, Bellatrix has clearly taken her time with the cut, and it reads: _Mudblood_. I feel my blood boil, how dare she. How dare anyone, of any background, dare hurt Lily?

"James?" Lily's voice brings me back down to Earth.

"What?"

"I don't want you to do anything; I need to handle this on my own. This is my revenge."

I sigh before Madam Pomfrey walks out of her office.

"I'm sorry Potter, but Evans really does need her rest, out."

I splutter protest but she ignores me, I give Lily one last smile before leaving the Hospital Wing.


	13. Planning Revenge

**A/N:****I don't own anything! It all belongs to J K Rowling! Thank you very much for all your support with reviews, favourites, follows and reading, it means a great deal to me. I hope you enjoy this following chapter.**

* * *

><p>THE GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM<p>

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

><p>"Prongs! Pomfrey kicked you out, then?" Padfoot shuffles across the sofa he's sitting on to make room for me.<p>

"Yeah," I don't sit next to Padfoot, instead I stay standing.

"What's up, Prongs? If its Evans, she'll be okay, Madam Pomfrey said –" Wormtail starts.

"This isn't about Pomfrey, this is about what Black did to Lily," I growl.

"Ah, what did my darling ex-cousin do now?" Padfoot asks, kicking up his feet on the sofa.

"The bitch sliced Mudblood into Lily's arm."

"Shit! I'm not going to make excuses because if I made an excuse every time a Black did something crappy, I'd be talking all my life."

"As if you need an excuse to talk all the time anyway," Moony cuts in, harsher than he should have done.

"What's wrong with you, Moony?"

"Nothing's _wrong_," we all roll our eyes. Here we go. "It's just that I think it's a little bit hypocritical for Prongs to starts caring _now_. It's like the only thing that gets his attention is when she's in serious pain. It's like he hasn't bothered until now, when she's absolutely desperate –"

I feel blood rising and boiling inside me, this is the problem with insults- they hurt more if they're true. They're harder to apologise for and take back because you mean every word.

"That's not true!" I deny it, I know I'm denying it.

"Isn't it? You've been so focused on your own problems. You've been in your own little bubble. Ignorance must be bliss, mustn't it? We all know there's a war ahead and Lily's in danger more than ever. If you love her like you always said you did, then why would you let that happen? Why would you join our side now?"

Moony is on his feet; he's never actually stood up to us before. I could always tell when he had a strong opinion on the stuff we did, but we all knew he'd never voice it. He was afraid we'd abandon him. We would never do such a thing, we Marauders stick together.

"Because, something happened that night when Lily went unconscious. Dumbledore told me about this bond we shared through our misdirected anger- he called it an epiphany of the soul…"

I go on to explain all of what happened and they listen with awe.

"…but we can't tell Lily. Dumbledore didn't think it was wise. You saw how she reacted to the kiss; imagine if she found out that her future was already set? She'd self-destruct."

They take it in, Moony lost deep in thought. As if considering my story. Padfoot sits with his mouth open before closing it.

"So basically you and Evans are hardwired for each other."

"Yes, exactly."

"Cool, she's the girl you always loved and now she's destined to be yours," Padfoot grins.

"I don't like it when you say it like that – like she has no choice."

"She doesn't," Moony scowls.

"The epiphany of the soul wouldn't work unless _both_ of us bonded. She wants it too, in her soul at least."

I know what Moony is thinking, though. That maybe he can find someone who'll accept him for what he is and he won't hurt them. I feel guilty, this should have happened to Moony. This is what he needs.

"So Lily has no idea, whatsoever?" Moony asks.

"No, I don't know, maybe? She seemed pretty clueless in the Hospital Wing but maybe she was a bit confused having just woken up and everything –"

"Not that this isn't interesting, but we need to sort out our revenge on Bellatrix," Padfoot interrupts.

"Lily said –"

"Yeah, yeah, Lily said this, Lily said that. Who cares? Those Slytherins have had it coming and this is the perfect opportunity. If we take our revenge whilst she's in the Hospital Wing, she'll never know."

"You honestly think that the news that we took on Bellatrix won't reach her?" Moony raises his eyebrows.

"Fine! We'll be subtle."

"You've never been subtle in your life, Padfoot," Moony laughs.

"Yes I have, well maybe not. But first time for everything, right?"

"I say that we target what she cares about the most," Moony says.

"The Dark Lord?" Wormtail suggests.

"I don't plan on hunting him down, to be honest," I say.

Wormtail blushes at the stupid suggestion that we might hunt down He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

"What about her hair?" Padfoot says. "All girls have a thing about hair, am I right?"

"Not all girls," Moony says. "But Bellatrix certainly cares an awful lot about her hair."

"Right then, we sneak into the Slytherin Dorms and ambush –" Padfoot begins.

"We're not going to get into her dormitory; we can't even get into the girl's dormitories here. Besides, I'm not breaking into Slytherin."

"What do you suggest we do?" Padfoot scowls impatiently.

"Leave her a few drops of a hair loss potion in her Pumpkin Juice," Moony grins, wickedly.

"That sounds good," I appraise him. "But something more, more than just no hair."

"What about, instead of getting rid of all her hair, we make it all grow continuously?" Padfoot says.

"I like that, every time she cuts it, it grows back twice as long!"

"How about her body hair, too?" Moony starts jotting down spells and potions.

"Yes! Is it too complicated?" I ask, peering over at Moony's notes.

"No, actually, it's relatively easy. It'll just take a while to brew. About 12 hours."

"That's alright, we can do that."

"I say we put a few drops- less concentrated- in all the Slytherin's Pumpkin Juice. Bellatrix will have it the worst, but it would be so funny to see them all try to cut it off…" Padfoot begins laughing helplessly at the thought.

"Right, when can we start?" I address Moony because Padfoot's collapsed and Wormtail's staring out of the window.

"I reckon it'll take me today to get all the ingredients and then the extra 12 hours, so let's say Tuesday breakfast, we'll plant the potion starting at the kitchen."

I grin, because this is one of the best plans we've fabricated in such short notice. I push the thought of Lily's disapproval from my mind; nothing can stop a Marauder from making mischief.

* * *

><p>LILY'S P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>Despite what Madam Pomfrey says, I think I'm fine. I don't really remember much, just our argument then a shake then the Hospital Wing. I feel very lonely without James beside me. I feel strange calling him James. It's weird not hating him, I don't know quite what I feel, but it's not loathing. He didn't reject nor accept my apology- and it's been bugging me these past few hours.<p>

Does he hate me? Or does he not? I want him to like me. I don't want him to think I need protecting, because I don't. I can handle Bellatrix. That's why it's nagging my insides that he knows about the scars. I'm getting paranoid over it- but he can't know about the rest of them. There are things I haven't told Remus, Mar and Alice. I couldn't bring myself to; they got way too upset over just the scars. They wouldn't let me out of their sight if they heard about the other stuff.

Worst of all is Severus. He's officially joined the Dark side and I've overheard them talk about getting something called a 'Dark Mark'. I'm not 100% sure I know what that is, but it sounds dangerous. I think the worst of all the attacks was when we were on a corridor. Remus was taking on Avery, Mar had Mulciber and Alice was duelling Regulus Black. I had Bellatrix, of course. Then something weird happened, time stopped and Severus came out of the shadows. Bellatrix screamed something at him and he looked at me with unease, like he wasn't sure. I braced myself as he cast _Crucio_; it didn't hurt as much as when Bellatrix took over five minutes later. It was a searing pain, travelling through my veins and into my heart, pulsing the screams and terror all over my body.

When I finally came back to consciousness, I was in the Hospital Wing and nobody had any idea what they'd done to me and I didn't plan on telling them. I think Madam Pomfrey knew I was lying but she didn't push it. If she found out, or any of the teachers really, I'd be dead the minute I left Hogwarts. Bellatrix tells me all the time, that when the war begins, I'll be her first kill.

It doesn't worry me anymore, because Dumbledore told me about the Order of the Phoenix. That's exactly what I want to do, fight them. When Dumbledore talks to me about the Order, it's like I have the power back. Of course, I'm terrified, I'd be a fool not to be, but I know that she won't get me. I'll get her first, because I've made a promise to myself, she'll be _my_ first kill if I do any killing at all.


	14. Honesty is the best policy, or is it?

**A/N: I don't own anything in the Harry Potter franchise! Thank you for all the support and love- it's greatly appreciated. I hope you like this chapter, things are going to get spicy! P.S I watched Mockingjay Part 1 yesterday and it was amazing. For those who don't know, the new Hunger Games film has come out and it is bloody fantastic even if it did stray from the book a bit. Anyway, now I'm rambling. Enjoy!**

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><p>LILY'S P.O.V<p>

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><p>Today's Sunday and I have been officially discharged from the Hospital Wing. Mar and Alice came to visit yesterday, very briefly because Mar said her headache was splitting her in two. Alice was just tired; Amos wouldn't stop bugging her at Slughorn's party. He said he wanted her back, that he missed her and that he would never treat her that way again. Alice screamed in his face and ran off. He wouldn't stop stalking her until about one in the morning when Professor Dumbledore happened to be walking down the corridors and told him to go away. Odd, because the weird shake was around 11 or 12, I wonder if Professor Dumbledore saw or felt what happened.<p>

Every time I've woken up, James has always been at my side. Holding my hand or playing with my hair. I feel like I should stop him, but I find it comforting. I like it when he holds my hand, it triggers the memory of when he kissed me and I really want him to kiss me again. No, I don't. James is an arrogant toerag and is too irresponsible to stick around with one girl but he's changed. Not that much, but he has. It's complicated.

I swing my arms as I walk to Gryffindor Tower, happily not encountering any Slytherins. I climb through the Portrait Hole and into the Common Room. Alice runs up to me and flings her arms around me and squeezes tightly. Mar grins at me and joins the hug.

"It's so good to see you out of that wretched hospital, Lil!" Alice smiles at me.

"It's good to be back, how're you doing?"

"Better," Alice says. "We went to Hogsmede without you, I'm sorry. Amos started stalking me again; I was forced to run down a twitchell –"

"What on Earth is a twitchell?" I ask her, bewildered.

"What do you mean what's a twitchell? I've been learning Muggle words for you, a twitchell is an alleyway. Didn't you know that?"

"No, nobody I know uses that word."

"Oh, well I'm pretty sure it's right, it's a Nottingham word. Mar snogged a randomer," Alice smirks in an extremely non-Alice way.

"I did not!" Mar says indignantly.

"Oh? So who was he then?"

"Um, he was from Hufflepuff, I think."

"What was his name?"

"Jordan? Jack? It began with a J…"

"_Jason_, Mar, his name was Jason."

"I knew that," Mar says.

"You're as bad as James," Alice says, rolling her eyes.

That's when I remember that James kisses a lot of girls on a weekly basis. He makes loads of girls feel the way I long to feel again. I'm not special; I'm just another set of lips for him to kiss. I feel downcast and look at the floor.

"No! Not _loads_ of girls!" James jumps in, defensively.

"Really? Who in our year haven't you snogged?" Alice asks, crossing her arms.

Mar's eyes look at her wildly, as if the answer can't be good. She nods her head in my direction, as if suggesting that I… No, surely not. They know I don't like him like that. Alice doesn't seem to get the hint.

"…go on!" she prompts.

James looks uncomfortable.

"I haven't snogged you," he says.

"Great start, who else?"

"Um…"

"I'll help you, you haven't snogged Mar, you haven't snogged Lily…" Alice breaks off as James gives Sirius an anxious look. "What? You're not saying that… Lily? Mar?" she turns wildly at us.

"Surprise," I say weakly.

Alice narrows her eyes at me.

"Don't look at me like that! You must have guessed something happened last summer!" I snap at her.

"I thought you would tell me if something like that happened!"

"Maybe I thought that if I did, you wouldn't leave me alone. You'd always be pushing us together! Besides, you knew about the bet, you knew he won."

"I thought… We're talking about _snogging_ right? Not kissing, snogging. The bet was that if James got all Outstandings and Exceeds and Expectations that he got to _kiss_ you, not snog. So something happened?"

I feel all eyes trained on me.

"Yes, something happened but I wasn't sure what to do at the time and I'm still not sure! I'm not good at this sort of stuff."

"Okay, it's just a lot to take in. What about you, Mar?"

"Uh, summer before last. It was a spur of a moment thing!" she says, looking at me, perturbed.

I must look angry, well I feel angry. It's horrible to think that all those girls snogged James. The James I may or may not fancy. He's been with one of my best friends and they've… I don't like to think it got very far but what if… No, Mar would never, would she?

"Say something Lily! I'm on tenterhooks here," Mar says apprehensively.

"You and James?" I manage to splutter out at last.

"N-no, not really. It wasn't anything, it doesn't mean anything!"

I recoil from her in disgust. I learnt the hard way that snogging has to mean something. The idea of snogging someone and it not meaning anything is vacuous. It must have meant something but what something?

"Lily, Mar's right, it happened. Of course it did but it's not going to happen again and we've both moved on…" James says, moving forward to calm me.

"But you _knew_, Mar!" I say shrilly. I'm not sure exactly what she knew, but she knew James and I had a weird thing going on.

"I know, Lily. And I'm so sorry; I wish I could undo it…"

_I wish I could undo it… _That sounds so familiar. James and I shouted, I wanted to take it all back. He called me a bitch, I fell. No, there was something else. Something a bit… off, not quite right. I wonder what happened, what _actually_ happened?

"James," I breathe slowly. "What happened that night? And tell me the _truth_."

* * *

><p>JAMES' P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>Shit. Shit. Shit. Lily found out about Marlene and me. It wasn't supposed to happen and Padfoot's just as annoyed with me as well for kissing her. This is not helping my campaign to show Lily that I can be responsible and mature. This has taken me back a couple of hundred steps and it's going to take ages to get back what little trust she may have had in me.<p>

Poor Marlene, she didn't want to tell Lily because she thought Lily would care- a lot. And Marlene was right, she does seem to care. Does that mean she… _likes_ me? I shouldn't be so pleased, but Lily Evans _likes_ me!

"James," she says, in utter seriousness and my heart catches. "What happened that night? And tell me the _truth_."

Uh-oh. What the fuck do I tell her? Maybe I could tell her the truth but not the whole truth. But she's Lily Evans, she'd know if I lied or left anything out. I don't know what to do, if I tell her the truth, she'll hate me and if I lie she'll hate me. What have I got to lose by lying? It would protect her in the long run, after all. But then again, I'd never be able to live with myself if she hated me... What a dilemma.


	15. Science and Confessions

**A/N: ****I own none of the Harry Potter franchise, J K Rowling does and I do not make any financial profit from this. Thank you for reviewing, adding this story to your favourites and following it, it means a lot to me. I promise seventh year will be approaching soon, stick with me!**

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><p>JAMES' P.O.V<p>

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><p>I open my mouth to explain but time seems to freeze. I look around me, but nobody but me is moving. Just at the moment when I'm about to panic, Dumbledore approaches me, wearing that calming smile I've seen so often.<p>

"Mr Potter," he says, warmly. It's the nicest anyone's been to me all day.

"Professor Dumbledore," I say.

"I wonder if you know why I'm here," he looks over his half-moon glasses, once again looking at me as if I will achieve great feats.

"No, Professor."

"Surely you must have an idea," he says.

"Erm, because Lily wanted to know the truth?"

"Exactly and I fear you would not have known what to say, alas, I don't think there is a correct way to respond."

"So, what do we do?"

"I suggest we pretend this never happened. Ordinarily, I would refuse such dishonesty but… I worry that the Epiphany of the Soul, whilst strong is equally as fragile. We must conserve this magic not just for your well-being but also for Science."

"Science?"

"The Muggle word for logic and discovery, Mr Potter. A fascinating subject, if I do say so myself. Now, there is a perfectly good bowl of Mint Imperials I have become rather fond of, so if you'll excuse me…"

Dumbledore ostensibly disappears as quickly as he arrived, leaving no trace of magic behind. I think for a moment that he may have Apparated, but that's impossible. Nobody can Apparate in Hogwarts, at least not to my knowledge.

As soon as Dumbledore leaves, time starts again. Everyone in the Common Room is seemingly unaware of the time cease. Lily sits down next to Marlene, I wonder how much she can remember and if she doesn't remember shouting at Mar and I, should I tell her? What would Mar say? What would she do?

"All right, Prongs?" Padfoot asks.

"Yeah, just… Yeah, I'm fine."

"Sit down then, will you?"

* * *

><p>LILY'S P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>I sit next to Mar, feeling slightly dizzy. I felt angry a few moments ago but I can't remember why. Ah well, couldn't have been that important if I don't remember it.<p>

James sits across from me, but he's not wearing his usual smirk and it makes uneasy for some reason. There's something unsettling about James looking un-confident, like even he can't reassure himself everythting will be okay.

"James? Are you okay?" I ask him.

"Fine, Lily, fine. Don't worry about me."

He seems distracted, but I don't drop it, I know better than to let a good friend slide through my fingers by not pressing on these issues. Severus once said the same to me, not to worry and like a fool, I believed him.

"But something's clearly bothering you," I persist.

"I told you, Lily. I'm _fine_. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Okay," I say concernedly, "if you're sure. You know you can talk to me, right?"

"Yes, yes, I know," he disregards me with a wave of his hand, somewhat irritably, as if dismissing all my suggestions.

I can't help feeling slightly hurt at the reaction. It would be heartless not to pursue the matter but if that's the thanks I get… then fuck him.

I slide back in my chair, aggravated.

"What's wrong, Lil?" Mar says.

I suspire, even more annoyed. Mar's making it worse by throwing the question back in my face. How can I explain what I'm feeling?

"_Nothing,_" I say, forcefully. Anyone with any intelligence would take that as a sign to shut-up.

"Lily, we said we'd talk about stuff like this," Alice looks up from her book, her eyebrows stitch together, with a look of great concern and worry.

"Fine, let's talk about it, then. Let's go to our dorm and we'll talk."

We head over to our dorm and as soon as the door closes, I launch into a confession/admission to all my feelings about/for James Potter. I told them about him snogging me, not kissing me and how amazingly euphoric I had felt. I told them about my supposed feelings for him and then I sat and waited for a response. They seemed to be stunned into submission.

"That's… fucking mental." Mar concludes after a while.

"Yeah," Alice says shock evident on her face.

"So? What about you? While we're at it, any confessions you guys want to make?" I ask.

"Alright, but no hard feelings?" Mar says.

"Of course, none of it leaves this room," I say.

"Okay, I lost my virginity to McLaggen in fifth year."

"I thought you were going out with –"

"Yes! I know, it was dirty and I shouldn't have cheated but… It was a spur of a moment thing."

_It was a spur of a moment thing…_ That sounds vaguely familiar, I feel a wave of déjà vu.

"Are… are you sure that's all? I'm sure there was something else which was 'on the spur of the moment' but I can't remember what it was…"

"Erm, I kissed Amos when I was going out with Frank but I already told you both that."

"No, it wasn't that. Ah well, can't have been that important. Alice?"

"Erm, I'm going out with Amos again but don't worry! The Marauders threatened to bash him in if he didn't treat me properly."

"Really?" I smile, pleased that the Marauders would do such a thing for Alice.

"Yeah and Amos is different now, kinder and more compassionate. I think I love him, despite everything and I think he loves me too."

"That's good."

"Lil, do you ever wonder about the girls James has kissed?" Alice asks, after a long silence.

"Sometimes," I admit. "and I guess it bothers me a bit."

Mar shifts uncomfortably, maybe the whole 'true love' thing is getting too weird.

"D'you ever regret stuff you've done in the past with boys, Mar?" I ask her, genuinely interested.

"Of course, but you know, I was reckless. I lived fast and now I guess I seriously want to slow things down. I've done all my precipitous living that I ever want to do, so… and I also have a huge crush on Sirius Black," Mar says, biting her lip.

"Aw, Mar!" Alice exclaims, ecstatic at the news.

"Is it weird thinking about all the girls Sirius has kissed?" I ask her.

"Yes."

"So I'm not being stupidly jealous then?" I ask, relieved.

"No, you're not."

"Good, because I feel like I want to know who kissed him but then I'm like, wait, do I really want to know?"

"Yeah, I'm the same."

Mar looks very uncomfortable at this so I don't continue the conversation.

* * *

><p>JAMES' P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>I'm sitting in the Common Room reading a Muggle Science book. It's very interesting, I can see why Lily likes it so much.<p>

"Oi, Prongs, whatcha doing?" Padfoot strolls into the room.

"Reading about Muggle Science."

"What in Merlin's name is that?"

"It's an intellectual and practical activity encompassing the systematic study of the structure and behaviour of the physical and natural world through observation and experiment."

"Merlin's beard, Prongs. Why do you even care?"

"Because Lily cares," I say in a small voice.

"You've got it bad, Prongs." Padfoot says.

"I know," I sigh.

"I'm going to bed, see ya Prongs," he heads up the stairs.

"Wait! Padfoot! You know when Mar and I snogged summer before last?"

His eyes tighten with anger at the recollection of the event but he nods, curtly.

"Should I tell Lily?"

"Absolutely, 100% not. Never tell a woman who you've kissed, she'll only get angry. Besides, imagine what would happen to Mar and Lily's sanity. It would be carnage, mate."

"Maybe you're right –"

"I'm always right."

"_Maybe_ you're right but what about honesty? And on that note, what about telling Lily the truth about the Epiphany of the Soul and what really happened? I feel bad not telling her –"

"Whoa, man! Dumbledore said that you shouldn't so, that's that. Dumbledore's never been wrong before, so we should trust him."

"I guess you're right but –"

"Shut up, Prongs. Before you make things too complicated, Lily knows you love her and that should be enough."

"I suppose."

"Glad we cleared that up, now let's go."

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><p>LILY'S P.O.V<p>

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><p>I glance around the Common Room, watching James and Sirius leave the Common Room. An Epiphany of the Soul? He <em>snogged<em> Mar? What on Earth is going on and why would Professor Dumbledore keep the truth from me? It seems a trip to the library is long overdue.


	16. The Truth, Sweetheart

**A/N: ****Hello! I do not own any of the Harry Potter franchise, all credit goes to J K Rowling. Thank you so much for the support with reviews (we're up to 14 reviews, guys!) and following (25 followers!) and favourites (7 favourites!) I am incredibly lucky. Enjoy!**

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><p>LILY'S P.O.V<p>

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><p>I've been in the library for five hours and there's nothing on Epiphanies of the Soul. Zilch. Nada. None. Not even Madam Pince has ever heard of it, I was in such desperation that I asked <em>Madam Pince<em>. She told me she didn't know what in Merlin's name I was talking about, because she had no idea what it was. To make matters worse, James showed up and I was forced to end my search for answers. I didn't want him knowing I'd overheard them that would be awkward.

"Hey Evans," I ignore him. "Evans, Evans, hey Evans! _Evans!_"

I roll my eyes and lift my head up from my Transfiguration homework and pull a patronising smile. "_What?_"

"I don't understand why atoms have no charge."

I sigh, because he's been studying the basics of Fundamental Chemistry and doesn't seem to understand it at all.

"Atoms don't have a charge unless they form ions. Atoms have no negative or positive charge because the number of electrons and protons are equal."

"So… it has nothing to do with neutrons?"

"_No,_ neutrons have no charge – they're neutral. When atoms that don't have a full outer shell gain or lose an electron, they gain a charge."

"So what happens with CO2?"

"That's a covalent bond, when a non-metal and another non-metal bond together, that's different. You're looking at ionic bonding, so why don't you draw the ionic structure of Potassium Oxide?"

"How d'you do that again?"

"Potassium is 'K' and oxygen is 'O', you can draw dot-cross diagrams for the elements, look, I'll show you…"

I lean over and do a quick sketch of the ion potassium, with its charge.

"…so you need two potassium atoms because oxygen needs to gain two to obtain a full outer shell. Are you with me?"

"Yeah, so potassium has a charge of +?"

"Yeah, K+. Do you get it now?"

"I think so; I don't know why you find this easy."

"It's easier than Physics."

"No, Physics is maths with a point."

I laugh and he pushes his hair back, I feel my throat contract. Why does he have to be so gorgeous? Wait, hang on Lily, you don't think he's gorgeous; you think he's an arrogant swine. Remember that.

"What are you doing in the library anyway?"

"Um, homework," I offer, feebly.

"Sure," he narrows his eyes but doesn't push it.

I sit in silence for a while and he starts rocking on his chair. Gently at first, and then he swings to and throw more violently, the chair squeaking. I raise my head, irritated.

"Will you stop that?"

"Stop what? Looking fantastically irresistible, breathing, seeing, hearing… So vague, Lily, I don't understand why you can't just get to the point."

"You know full well what, stop swinging on your chair."

"Why? It's not hurting you, is it?"

"No, but it's hurting my concentration and Madam Pince's patience."

"If it really bothers you that much…"

He desists, and I get back to my essay. I hear the sound of sliding and see James sliding up and down the bookcases on the ladder. He throws his arms and head back, embracing the wind ridiculously. I can't help laughing.

"What are you doing?" I ask, pulling myself together.

"I'm doing that thing in that film. You know, the one with the ice and the boat."

"_Titanic_?"

"Yeah, that's the one."

"Why?"

"I dunno, I felt like it."

"You can't do something just because you _felt like it_."

"Why not?"

"Because it would be havoc. Imagine if we all went around doing exactly what we wanted to do without thinking about everyone else."

He climbs down the ladder and looks at me pityingly.

"You know your problem, Evans? You worry too much. You need to liven up a bit, think of yourself for a change."

"First of all, you can never worry too much and second of all, I'm plenty lively and some of us like to be considerate."

"I think there's a difference between letting people walk all over you and being considerate. You're too lily-livered."

"Are you calling me a coward, Potter?"

"So what if I am?"

"Maybe we have a problem."

"Oh I think that's pretty clear."

"You think so?"

"That I do, Evans, that I do."

"What's the problem, then?"

"Well, sweetheart –"

"Don't call me 'sweetheart.'"

"_Sweetheart_, the problem is that you won't go out with me."

"I don't see how not going out with you is cowardly and if you call me sweetheart one more time, I will hex you into oblivion."

"Not going out with me is cowardly because you're not embracing your true feelings, you're too worried about what _other_ people want from you, shouldn't you be thinking about what you want… _sweetheart_?"

I eye him venomously; I don't want another God-damn person telling me how to feel. I walk away from him, grab my books and stalk out the library.

"Hey, Evans! Where're you going? I didn't offend you, did I?"

"Oh, don't worry about it, Potter. I just don't like being told how to feel."

"That's not fair, I was telling the truth, you _do_ feel that way, right?"

"I'm not talking to you about this, Potter."

"Why not?"

"Because I might say something I don't want to."

"But Evans, I wanted –"

"Good bye, Potter."

I leave to the Gryffindor Common Room but just as I turn the corner, I come face-to-face with Severus Snape. I gasp and drop my stuff and bend down to pick it up. He doesn't leave. He stammers, unable to form any words.

"Is there something you wanted to say?" I ask coldly.

"N-n-n… Y-y-yes…"

I brush past him and he grabs my wrist, pulling me back.

"Let go, Severus," I snarl at him.

"I can't, I have to… Bellatrix… Malfoy…"

"You don't have to do everything they say, Severus."

"You don't understand."

"I understand you're hurting my wrist, let _go_."

"I have to do this, to prove myself."

"What do you mean 'prove yourself'?"

"I h-h-have to, Lily. I-I'm sorry."

"Whoa, what are you going to do?"

I don't have time to scream, Severus clamps my hands behind my back, gags me and drags me down the corridor. He keeps mumbling about being sorry and proving himself. The whole time, all I can think is: _am I going to die?_ It was hard to believe that Severus Snape, my once only friend at Spinner's End would do such a thing. I struggle relentlessly but Severus has become stronger than I thought. I keep punching him and wriggling but he holds onto me with a vice-like grip.

We stop outside the Room of Requirement, he blinds me and puts a binding curse on me; not allowing me to move at all. I can't scream, I can't struggle, I can't control my movements, I can't see and I can't escape. Severus casts a charm and my motionless body follows him through the door, or where I imagine the door would be. I hold my breath.

**A/N: Bam-bam-bam! I know this isn't cannon and that it's unusual and odd and Severus would never do that! But... maybe he's being controlled by his fear, or by an Imperious curse, or maybe... I'm gonna shut up, now. Just remember, Jily will happen and Severus is not the bad guy - he's just a bit of a coward.**


	17. Torture and Torment

**A/N:**** Firstly, I own nothing from the Harry Potter franchise, J K Rowling own it all. Secondly, thank you for your support, as always, you know how much it means to me. Thirdly, this chapter took me _ages_ to write, so I hope you enjoy it. I realise my chapters have become shorter, so this is a longer one which I've been working on since I got up. Remember: Jily will happen... in the seventh year. Have a great day!**

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><p>A few moments later, I am slammed into a post, my blindfold and gag are taken off but the binds which restrict my body stay, binding me to the post. Severus is shaking, completely terrified. He starts to sweat but stops virtually immediately when Bellatrix and Malfoy come into sight.<p>

Bellatrix cackles madly.

"Aren't you excited, _Mudblood_? We've got something rather special tonight, haven't we Snape?" she croons.

I resist making a remark as that would not help my situation. Bellatrix steps back, allowing Severus to step forward.

"I'm afraid you won't be under my wand, _Mudblood_. Snape has offered to practice some of his new spells on you."

I look at Severus with pure abhorrence. This settles it; he's definitely not someone I care about. Not any more, I don't like to associate with people who are coward enough to torture.

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><p>SEVERUS' P.O.V<p>

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><p>I don't know what to do. I can't sleep, I can't eat and I can't concentrate. It's in my every waking hour, I feel <em>his<em> presence. Telling me not to let him down, that if I do, I shall be the next. Bellatrix seems to have taken a peculiar interest in Lily Evans, my once closest friend. I don't have friends anymore, just allies and enemies. At first, when it was just duelling, I wasn't worried but now… Bellatrix curses harder and relentlessly. I don't understand why Lily doesn't ask for help. Any one of her stupid Gryffindor friends would stand up for her. Yet she doesn't, she allows herself to get battered, each time I sit by and watch. Each time, she looks at me with more hurt, betrayal, sadness and something else. Pity? No, how could she pity me? I have everything I've ever wanted; I will serve the Dark Lord… No! I will not. I refuse but every time I refuse to join them, my mark burns.

Fighting my loyalty is useless. When you are given the Dark Mark, its damn near impossible to fight off the allegiance magic. The Dark Mark is part of you, it almost controls you. I shouldn't have done it but what choice did I have? Besides, my father is dead, my mother is safe. They did that much for me, join the dark side and they'd kill my father. I'd got my revenge, wasn't it fair enough for them to expect me to join them? Yet, I felt uncomfortable torturing First years because they were Mudbloods, I feel guilty and disgusting whenever I curse Lily. Who am I kidding? She'll never love me - that ship sailed the minute I called her Mudblood. Still… Maybe she could forgive me. If I can show her that I'm better than that, that I'm still the boy from Spinner's End. The one she used to confide in for everything.

Bellatrix walks into the Common Room, I never know quite what to make of her. At first, I thought the Dark Lord was buying her loyalty but I see now that she is completely dedicated to him. Obsessed. She would do anything, murder anyone, even her family to please him. The Dark Lord must be proud of himself, such loyalty is hard to find, especially when it's unconditional.

"Snape, I've decided on your task to prove yourself."

I look her in the eyes, though she may be one of the youngest blood-purity campaigners at Hogwarts, nobody questions her authority.

"You're a talented wizard, not as talented as I or anywhere near a talented as the Dark Lord, but… You've been working on some Dark Magic of your own, haven't you? You've been working out some new attack spells, haven't you?"

"Yes, Bellatrix," I resist the urge to call her 'ma'am'. Bellatrix has a certain stance which makes you want to grovel at her feet.

"Don't worry, I won't grass you up, so long as you agree to use every single one on the Mudblood."

She grins, cruelly and turns away. Inventing your own spells is a risky and dangerous business. Technically illegal, especially if it's harmful but Bellatrix knows that if anybody found out, I'd be screwed. She knows where I keep my research, so she'll know if I don't use the same spells on Lily… I don't want to do it. I won't. Nobody can make me do anything.

Blinding pain form my mark covers my entire body. I have to find a way out, I can't torture anyone else, I can't cause any more pain. I sit down, waiting for the pain to pass. Narcissa sits next to me.

"I'm sorry, Severus. This shouldn't have happened to you."

Narcissa has always been kind to me, always been supportive. The only reason she joined the Dark side was because of her boyfriend, Lucius Malfoy and because of her sister, Bellatrix. She didn't really have a choice; Narcissa doesn't like to cause disruption in families so she went along with it. We have an empathy thing together, if I had friends, I'd consider her to be one of them.

"I can't do it, I don't want to."

"I know, Severus, I know but we have to. The war is nearer, I can feel it and we have to fight. I don't like it any more than you do but if we want protection from the stronger side, then this is the price. I may not agree with everything he stands for, but the Dark Lord has done things for my family, debts I can never repay."

"You don't seriously believe the Dark Lord cares about any of us."

"Of course not, even though his intentions were bad, to gain our loyalty, he's still done things for my family. I can't turn my back on it."

"Why not? He's just playing with you. He knows that if he does something for your family, then he'll gain your loyalty. When it comes down to it, he'll leave us all to burn in hell."

"Perhaps," Narcissa says grimly. "But I'd much rather my family were safe, wouldn't you?"

"Yes, but my family is rather thin on the ground. The only people I care about are my mother and Lily. And I've let them both down."

"They won't like it, but maybe they'll see later on in life, that what you did was to protect them."

"They won't be well protected if I fail. You know how he works, he uses the people closest to us to control us."

"Be that as it may, I still have a duty and you have yours."

She leaves. Narcissa has always been too driven by her family. They mean the world to her, literally. As dedicated to the Dark Lord Bellatrix is, that's how dedicated Narcissa is to her family. She simply doesn't see why I don't feel the same way. She thinks family is the be all and end all. Bellatrix calls it weak, Narcissa calls it compassion. They never say it to each other's faces, though. It doesn't matter how different the two sisters are, I can tell that they are close. I feel jealous in a way, if I only I had someone on the inside who cared about me that much.

The only person whom that could have possibly been was Lily but her joining the Dark side is ludicrous. She's a Muggle-born, there's no way she could possibly join. Bellatrix says there are other girls – that Lily is just a waste of my Pureblood energy, which is just about the kindest thing she's ever said. She wasn't referring to herself, though when she talks about 'other girls'. We all know her and Lestrange have a thing.

Lestrange and Black don't love each other, they're incapable of that but they are both infatuated with the Dark Lord, so I guess it'll work out.

As for me finding a girl… Let's just say I'm not the most popular boy in school. The Marauders are my enemies here at Hogwarts, their life aim to make my life as difficult as possible, which they have done very well. I hate Potter the most of all. Once upon a time, Lily used to share that emotion with me. Now the only emotion we feel together is loss. Of a friend, of a companion.

Potter and his cronies cause me no end of trouble. But our stupid rivalry will change when the war comes. I think I'll miss it. It's a beautiful thing to hate someone so easily and for them to hate you right back. Comforting. Like nothing has changed.

But it has, many things have changed and I don't how much longer I can ignore it. I think of Lily. Will she ever forgive me for what I'm about to do? The voice in my head says no, but my heart, always the foolish one, says yes. I'm willing to risk it.

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><p>I tie her to the post, shivering with fear. I don't want to take off her blindfold; we had so many conversations without saying a word just by looking at each other's eyes. I try to tell her that it will be okay, that I'll get the spells wrong for her sake but she won't stop struggling. She looks at me eventually, but with pure loathing.<p>

What am I doing? This is the girl I love. How could I do this to her? Bellatrix comes forward from the shadows and I pull myself together. They must not see me weak, only strong and cold.

Bellatrix teases and torments Lily with words before ushering me forward, to practice my spells. I look at the list. The first is one for bruising.

"_Livoremplenium."_

Almost at once, large ugly bruises appear all over her arms, making her curl her back in pain. Bellatrix laughs and tells me to do another, more painful this time, grimly I agree.

"_Mordeo!_"

This spell creates stings all over your body, until you turn blue almost. Well, that's what happened to the bird I tested on. They're not just ordinary stings either, they have venom. Bellatrix is absolutely delighted at this spell, she runs forward, investigating the damage.

"Perfect! The Dark Lord will be pleased!"

"Wait," Lucius says. "This is Snape we're talking about, I'll bet he has an even worse spell up his sleeve, worse than petty stinging curses and bruising charms."

I hesitate, because he's right. I do have a spell which last time I used, I wasn't able to undo. Bellatrix looks at me curiously.

"Go on, Snape! Do your worst!"

I look at the paper before clearing my throat. I send apology signals to Lily's eyes but she stares back at me, her eyes holding only one thing- coldness.

"_Sectumsempra_!"

The minute I say it, Lily collapse as far as her binds will allow her as blood gushes out from her arm. It doesn't stop. She screams, the sound chilling me to the bone. She'll bleed to death, I know it. Bellatrix stops and stares at Lily. Utterly shocked.

"Well, it seems as though Snape has shown his true colours," Malfoy smirks.

"We'll leave you to clear it up," Bellatrix sweeps out, grinning broadly. "Don't forget to tell me if you come up with any more spells!"

I won't. I'm never creating a spell ever again. I slash through the binds with my wand and hold Lily in my arms. No. She can't die at my hand, that can't happen. Without thinking, I cast another spell, one I learnt a long time ago.

"_Anima medela_."

I can't remember exactly what the spell does, just that it will stop her bleeding. It's a curing spell but it won't completely cure her, no spell could do that. I watch as she drifts from consciousness. I pick her up easily and carry her to the door. It doesn't even occur to me that there could be somebody on the other side waiting. Her heart is still beating and that's all that matters. I'll never hurt her again, never. I'll do whatever I can to help her. Just as long as I never see her like this again.

As the door opens, I come face-to-face with Potter. I scowl at him, almost forgetting Lily is in my arms.

"Move aside, Potter," I spit.

"What have you done to Lily?" he looks completely horrified, seeing Lily soaked in her own blood, gallons of it. The cut on her arm drips blood feebly.

"That's none of your concern," I turn down the corridor but Potter stops me.

"What did you do to her?"

"It's none of your business. Lily wouldn't want you to interfere, like she hasn't for the past few months," he looks at me blankly, "she hasn't told you? Lily and Bellatrix have a feud, it's a private matter."

"No, it's not. That bitch Bellatrix cut Lily's arm and now y-you've done something to her! You haven't… You wouldn't…"

"She's not dead," I say shortly, but the truth is that I'm not sure.

"Let me take her to the Hospital Wing."

"No! She doesn't –"

"I don't care, Snivellus. This is no time for petty duels, Lily's life could…" he can't bring himself to say it.

I let him take her body and watch him run down the corridor, taking my one and only love in his arms. Now, I wonder why I let him take her. Maybe I didn't trust myself, or maybe I couldn't bring myself to admit to Lily when she wakes that I was the one who did it. No doubt Potter will take the pleasure in telling her it's my entire fault. If she survives. Narcissa was right; the best thing to do is keep the Dark Lord happy. Maybe then, Lily won't get hurt anymore. It's my responsibility to keep her safe from the Dark side.


	18. Jump on the Knight Bus

**A/N:**** Hello! I hope whatever you've been doing, it was great and if you're having a bad day then I promise eventually things will get better. Strong people carry on! Anyway, as you know, J K Rowling owns the Harry Potter franchise and I thank you for reviewing, favourite-ing and following. It is super-mega-foxy-awesome! I digress, enjoy!**

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><p>JAMES' P.O.V<p>

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><p>I cannot believe it, it hasn't even been <em>48<em> _hours_ and she's already back in the Hospital Wing. Worst of all, besides the fact that she's lost almost all of her blood, is that Madam Pomfrey has no idea what caused the wound to bleed so much. There is only one conclusion: a spell. I'll bet Snivellus made a spell and used it on her.

Madam Pomfrey listened to my story where I found Lily in Snivellus' arms. She raised her eyebrows but didn't question what I'd seen. After a short while, Moony enters the Hospital Wing. When he sees Lily, he pales.

"What happened to her, Prong?" he manages to stutter.

"I don't know, I saw her in Snivellus' arm a while ago. She was drenched in her own blood and fading fast…"

"Merlin…" Moony breathes, watching Lily's chest go up and down with shallow, raspy breaths.

"Madam Pomfrey's been doing her best but she's lost so much blood. We… We weren't sure if she'd pull through. We're still not sure."

"Professor Dumbledore…?" he asks, hopeful.

"Away on business."

I try not to break down, but I don't succeed.

"Prongs, I'm sure… I'm sure there's a way. Madam Pomfrey's never failed before and there've been loads of people much worse off and they're fine now. Lily… Lily will be okay. She's tough. She won't… She won't…" he can't choke out the words.

He doesn't have the heart to accept the possibility that she might not make it.

"This is all Snivellus' fault," I say bitterly.

"I don't know Prongs," Moony says uneasily. "I hate to say it, but Snivellus loved… _loves_ Lily as much as you do. He wouldn't do this out of spite."

I scowl. "He could never love her as much as I do. Never. Have you forgotten the Epiphany of the Soul? That happened to _me_ not him. He doesn't love her like I do. If he did, he wouldn't have let me take her here, he would have done it himself. He wouldn't have cursed her with whatever that was. He wouldn't have caused her so much pain."

"There are different kinds of pain, Prongs."

"I know… But nobody can cause a human being so much pain. It isn't possible."

"What I'm trying to say, Prongs, is that there's physical pain like cuts and bruises but when the people you love or loved are causing the pain, it hurts a million times more."

"So you're saying… Lily loves Snivellus."

"Not in the way you love her," he says hastily, "but yes, I think it's safe to say that she loved him in some sort of way. But… that's Lily. She loves everyone. Even the people she's never met. She just loves people and animals alike. She'd do anything to save a life, I know she would. That's just the way she is, she loves too much. You can't help liking her."

I feel a bond between Moony and I. He understands. I wrack my brain to think about what he's gone through, beside the whole werewolf thing, I couldn't think of anything. Then I remember… When Moony had transformed once, on a full moon, he had escaped into the forest. Lyall – his father- had barely recognised him and had called Moony as he was a werewolf, "soulless, evil, deserving nothing but death".

Moony told me that that's exactly what his father had said to Fenrir Greyback – the werewolf which had bitten Moony. I think Lyall thought Moony was Greyback, so he shouted the insult back at him but… Moony never really forgave his father for comparing all of his kind. It scarred him. He thought he was a monster, it didn't matter how much Hope (his mother) told him otherwise, he thought he was soulless, evil and deserving nothing but death. Though Lyall apparently told him that he wasn't like that, I don't think it was whole-hearted. Nevertheless, Lyall loves Moony. It's just… Having a werewolf son can't be easy.

The fact that Lyall said that reminds me of Snivellus calling Lily a Mudblood. They both meant it, sort of, it was energy and anger towards a situation which they had no control over. Lyall because it wasn't fair that he had to move from town to town every time somebody noticed their son's strange behaviour and Snivellus because he can't be with Lily and be accepted because of her blood heritage and there's nothing he can do to stop society working the way it does. They both share that, I suppose, they both are frustrated with the society we live in which doesn't accept the people they love. So they let the anger and frustration build up inside them and one day… It just snaps. They take it out on the wrong people and those people find it very hard to forgive them because Lyall and Snivellus meant what they said, sort of.

I imagine that Lyall is angry with his son, even if it is illogical to be. Maybe he thinks that if Moony didn't do something weird every time they moved, then he could have a normal life. Maybe Snivellus thinks that if Lily didn't care so much about people and didn't over think everything then he could run away with her and there would be fewer problems. Both are equally selfish but that's just the way some people are. Most people. I think like that sometimes. As for Moony and Lily, the words hurt them because they feel guilty. They think the words are true just because someone they love said them. Perhaps this is why Moony and Lily are friends. What if the reason Lily goes is because she doesn't feel she'll do any good on Earth? No, she knows there are people who love her. Moony should know that, too.

"Moony… You know, one day, you'll find someone. I know you will because you're an amazing person."

"Thanks Prongs, but I wouldn't inflict that pain on anybody. My parents… They had to put up with it because I'm their son but… It would be easier and kinder if I remained alone. It's bad enough you guys are in on it. Not that I'm not grateful, because I am."

"Look, Moony, you're not a monster and if there are girls who care about that, then they're not worth it."

"Cheers, Prongs," he smiles but I can tell he doesn't completely believe it.

At that moment I can't help feeling at peace with the world. I feel like I finally understand and I think that Lily will live. In fact, I am certain.

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><p>SEVERUS' P.O.V<p>

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><p>I can't carry on with this. I can't but I must. The Dark Lord said that if, when the time does come, I personally take care of one of his 'souls' and hide it at the end of the battle, then he will grant Lily temporary immunity. I did some research, as it turns out, the Dark Lord has delved into Dark Magic more than I thought. He's been creating horcruxes, last time I checked, there were five. Now, perhaps there are six but I know what the Dark Lord longs for. Seven horcruxes, seven being a magic number. But the evil required to do such a thing is unimaginable, I suppose the Dark Lord has been heavily watered down by others. We were all under the impression that the Dark Lord was simply twisted, willing to lead the fight and was on our side. I see it's much more than that, he is the most talented wizard I've ever seen.<p>

I'm relatively certain that Nagini, his snake is a horcrux. But what else? As powerful as the Dark Lord is, and he's getting stronger, I know he has a weakness. I don't want to fight this war but I must. I may not agree with his motives, but he must not doubt my loyalty. If he does, Lily and my mother are in danger. I must do this to protect them.

"Severus?" it's Narcissa, she's wearing her dressing gown as its quite late.

"I couldn't sleep so I came down here…"

"It's okay, I couldn't sleep either," she sits beside me.

We have a new-found understanding of one another. I can see why she does what she does and I think she sees why I hold back. Neither of us wants this war but we have to fight it anyway. I notice she has a bruise on her cheek. I scowl at it. Narcissa puts her hand to it tentatively.

"It's nothing," she says.

"Lucius?" I ask her.

"Maybe," she purses her lips. She doesn't like to talk about him.

"I don't understand why you're with that creep," I mumble.

"I love him," she says, quietly.

"How? He hurts you… and he's cruel."

She laughs a little. "Everybody can be cruel."

"Yes, but not everybody is."

"True, but we all hurt people. Sometimes without knowing," she says sadly, as if she's been thinking about it a lot.

"How's Bellatrix?" I ask.

"I wouldn't know," she replies, tightly.

"Did you two have an argument or something?"

"Believe it or not, but yes. Over the same thing we argued about."

"Lucius?"

"Yes, Bella thinks his family are a load of cowards," she sighs. "If only she could just accept him. He's loving and kind, really. He's a Pureblood, distantly related, yes but he has a good heart."

"I don't know who you're talking about because that sounds nothing like him."

"I think this war is turning people cold. I miss the times when everything was so easy. Before Bella became…" she can hardly choke out the words.

Narcissa rarely talks about before. Before her sister Andromeda was disowned because she had a Muggle boyfriend and before Bellatrix pledged her allegiance to the Dark Side. I guess Narcissa's playful childhood ended pretty much when Bellatrix turned 12 and Bella became devoted to all things evil.

"I suppose all that matters is that you're happy," I say after a while.

"Really?" she asks.

"Yeah, if you're happy with Lucius even though you could do way better, then that's your choice."

"I can't remember the last time I did something for myself."

"Sadly, I can remember the last time I did. But this is different, Narcissa. This is something _good_. When the war is over, it would be nice to have a person to go back to, wouldn't it?"

"Yes, it would," she says wistfully. "You know, when I'm older I want a family. It could be dangerous to have kids but… if we win. Then I could have a family of my own. My own house. Just imagine it. I could have a boy and a girl, I always imagined that. A boy called Draco and a girl called Cassiopeia. After my Great Aunt Cassie, you know. She was kind."

"Wasn't she Potter's Aunt?"

"Probably, you know how it is with Pureblood families. Yes, her sister was Dorea, Potter's mother. But Great Aunt Cassie was not a Blood-Traitor or anything. She was always lovely to me and Bella, 'Dromeda too. Merlin, I miss 'Dromeda. Despite what Bella says and my mother, 'Dromeda was nothing but lovely. She always took care of me, before Bella could be bothered to do so."

I look away, Narcissa's tears seem private. That's the thing with Narcissa; she loves her family, no matter their blood status. So why is she fighting against blood status if blood doesn't matter? I have no idea. But if she loves her family, then she must love Potter and Sirius. Which makes me slightly angry but Sirius has been disowned- him and Andromeda both.

"I'm sorry, Severus. I didn't mean to break down like that. I shouldn't care anymore, Bella says, I'll only get hurt. I try not to care so much but… it just doesn't feel_right_. Nothing feels right anymore…"

"Narcissa…" I try to comfort her but I don't know how.

"Snape," Lucius himself appears on the stairs.

"Malfoy," I acknowledge.

"Not making my lady cry, are you?"

"Not at all, Lucius. I'm fine now," Narcissa says but her voice betrays her.

Lucius comes down the stairs and sits beside Narcissa.

"Scram," he hisses at me and I oblige.

I get up and leave, looking back to see Lucius wrapping his arms around Narcissa. She leans into him and sobs into his shoulder. Lucius doesn't even bother to ask what's upsetting her. Recently, you don't need a particular reason to break down, the pressure is enough. I scowl at them, both jealous and angry. Lucius better not mess her around because Narcissa is a good person and the only person who's been nice to me as of late. I'm jealous because I wish I had someone who'd be there after the war. Instead, I'm alone. Watching my one true love slip away from me.

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><p>JAMES' P.O.V<p>

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><p>Moony and I have been beside her for at least three hours. Padfoot has dropped by from time to time but he's been sleeping mostly. Lazy git. Right now, all of us Marauders and Marlene and Alice are crowded around her bedside. Padfoot has kicked his feet up onto the bed. So casually, it's almost rude. He says Lily would want him to be comfy, so I let it slide.<p>

"What's going on between you two?" says Marlene after a long silence.

"Nothing," I say uncomfortably.

"Don't give me that crap, something's happening. Lily's happier than she has been in ages, almost giddy. And when she's around you, Merlin, she can hardly get her words out."

"Are you joking? She still hates me."

"Are you serious?"

"Nope, I'm Sirius."

"Merlin, that's getting old, Padfoot," Moony groans.

"_Sorry_, just lightening the mood," Padfoot grumbles.

"Anyway, you're so called 'arguments' is otherwise known as flirting. It's horrible to watch. I just wish the two of you would jump on the Knight Bus and go out."

"'Jump on the Knight Bus'?" I ask.

"Yes, like 'jump in the deep end', be risky and go for it."

"You and your words Mar," Padfoot shakes his head.

"Oh, you love it really," Mar grins.

"Of course I do."

The two laugh together as if sharing some kind of private joke. The rest of us exchange looks.

"What?" Mar demands, seeing us.

"Nothing," Alice says. "It just seems that James and Lily aren't the only ones who should, how did you put it, 'jump on the Knight Bus'."

"Sirius and…" she stutters.

"For Merlin's sake, just kiss," we turn around to see Lily smiling at us.

"Lily!"

We all marvel at her conscious state and ask her how she is, which isn't too great but still. Madam Pomfrey is so amazed she doesn't even bother to chuck us all out which is a miracle in itself. It feels good to have her back, we all missed her.

"Can you remember anything?" Moony asks.

She frowns. "Unfortunately, yes."

Then she tells us everything, about Snivellus and his spells (just as I suspected) and Bellatrix and Malfoy. I can't help feelings lightly responsible, if I hadn't got on her nerves she wouldn't have walked away and she wouldn't have encountered Snivellus. I could have protected her. As for this blood loss spell and Bellatrix, I just don't know what to do. This just turned serious.

Madam Pomfrey ushers us out insisting that Lily needs rest. Once we're out of the Hospital Wing Moony turns to us.

"Making her body hair grow uncontrollably sounds too tame, now," he says.

"Yeah, it does. It sounds very lame to do something like that when they did _that_ to Lily," Padfoot says.

"What should we do then?"

For once, the Marauders have no idea. But one thing is quite clear. The war is very quickly approaching and when it does, we'll all be ready to fight.

**A/N:**** Seventh year will come soon, I solemnly swear.**


	19. Jealousy and Advice

**A/N:**** I do not own the Harry Potter franchise, all credit goes to J K Rowling. Thank you once again for your support and love, I know I keep saying it but it's true! Thank you to my sister, who's stuck with this and given me the motivation to carry on. Also, thank you for reviewing, that too gives me motivation. Anyhow, I'm rambling. Enjoy and have a nice day!**

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><p>SEVERUS' P.O.V<p>

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><p>Narcissa and I are sitting on a bench outside in the grounds of Hogwarts. Narcissa is crying, again. This time, it's about this job Lucius has to do for the Dark Lord. She's scared he won't be able to do it and that he won't come back alive if he does succeed.<p>

"…I just m-miss him. H-he's the only boy I've ever loved and now he could be gone f-forever," she sobs into her hands.

"Don't say that, Narcissa. You know Lucius, he might be the world's biggest ignoramus but he has some basic survival skills and a brain. If he used his brain more often perhaps he wouldn't rely on you so much."

Narcissa laughs a little through her hands.

"He's not an ignoramus. He's smart, just last week; he got 80 out of 100 on his Transfiguration test. If he can do that, then I'm sure he'll be able to do this."

I don't have the heart to tell her he cheated, not when she's getting positive and happier.

"Thank you for being here, Severus. I know it's hard, what with Lily and all but if she can't be bothered to be your friends then that's her loss."

I smile weakly. "I don't know, Narcissa. I said some pretty disgusting things, if I could; I'd take them all back."

"But you can't," she points out.

"No, but I still have a choice. I can't give up on her, Narcissa. I love her and somewhere, deep down, I think she knows. I think maybe she could love me back. I never meant her any harm but… it's that Potter. If he wasn't always there, like some chivalrous knight with his ostentatious ways and theatrical performances, maybe I'd stand a chance."

"You can't blame one person for everything, Severus. Hate is an awful flaw to have, you know. Holding grudges… it won't get you anywhere good."

"Yes but Potter –"

"Let's not talk about him," Narcissa interrupts. "I don't like him any more than you do, but channelling all my energy into hate towards one person is exhausting."

We sit in silence for a while.

"Why do you stay with Lucius? I mean, it's your dream to have a family. Can you see him as the sort of guy who'd make a good father?"

"Actually, yes," Narcissa says, quite certain. "I told you, you don't know him like I do. Nobody does. He's a good man, a little controlling perhaps, but he wouldn't try to oppress me. He respects me."

"Really? He respects you enough to give you bruises?"

Narcissa narrows her eyes at me.

"That's none of your business, Snape. I wish you'd leave him alone, what's he ever done to you?"

She gets up and leaves. I know she's upset, otherwise she wouldn't have called me 'Snape' which is always what Lucius calls me. I worry about Narcissa, despite what she says, I don't think Lucius is a good man. He's way too controlling, Narcissa can hardly get a word in. He doesn't respect her at all and she just doesn't see it. Bellatrix strides toward me, people move quickly out of her way and scatter.

"Snape," she scowls at me. "What did you say to my sister?"

"Why are you taking this out on_ me_? It's Malfoy's fault!"

"What's that good-for-nothing son-of-a-bitch done now?"

"Hell if I know, I don't like him, he hurts her."

"Me neither. Merlin, there's something we can agree on."

"Statistically that was bound to happen."

"Watch it, Snape. I still don't trust you."

"Gee, thanks."

"Watch your back, Snape. You really don't want to make enemies."

"We're all on the same side, though."

Bellatrix laughs. "Is that what they tell you?"

She walks away, still cackling maniacally. Over in the distance, I can see Lily wrapped in about a dozen layers, sitting on a bench laughing at something Marlene said. I'm surprised she's out and about so quickly but she's tough. I watch her as she pulls her hat over her head. It's the hat she spent ages knitting a couple of years ago; I have a scarf made by her in my draw somewhere. I remember that Christmas very well. I feel my heart pounding against my chest, emptiness exploding inside me.

I walk over to a closer bench and watch Alice and Marlene have a snowball fight, Lily doesn't join in, but she shouts encouragement. I'm smiling with her; she always had that effect, when she smiles you smile too. When she's upset, you want to make it right. Yet another thing I miss about her.

Just at that moment, the Marauders swagger over to where the girls are. Potter leading, as per usual. My smile instantly fades but Lily's remains. Potter sits next to her and she slides away but he just drags her back again. I can practically feel my eyes go green. How dare he? How dare he trick Lily into thinking he cares about her? He doesn't, she must know that, he's kisses loads of girls; she's just another one of his conquests. And yet, there's something so off about him. He's blushing as Lily re-wraps his scarf and she blushes right back when he pushes her hair away from her face.

Black, well ex-Black, since he's been disowned but I don't like calling him by his first name. Like I respect him or like him. Anyway, he throws a snowball at Potter and yells something vulgar at him. Potter springs up and chases him, throwing a dozen snowballs at Sirius' back. Lily is joined at the bench by Mar and Alice. She flushes some more at what they're saying and protests. I walk away because the scene makes me too sad. She was once my friend but she is still my only love. If only she felt the same way.

* * *

><p>LILY'S P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>"Oh, you love him, admit it!" Mar says.<p>

"I do not."

"What was that then?"

"I don't know what you're on about."

"_That_, just then! You blushed, aw, I don't know why you two don't kiss."

I play with the loose threads on my homemade scarf, the stiches coming loose. I fiddle with them because the truth is that I want him to kiss me but he's technically got a girlfriend. Melanie Clearwater and he can be seen walking the grounds and kissing. It makes me a little wary when I'm around him. It's all I can do not to strangle him when he's kissing her.

"He has a girlfriend, Mar."

"Details details," she dismisses. "As if that even _matters_. May I remind you that both Sirius and I were in several relationships when we hooked up."

"You're such a player, Marlene!" Alice scolds her, smiling.

"What can I say? Guys are just drawn to me," she jokes.

"And girls," I say.

"Something you wanted to tell us, Lil?"

"_Well_…"

We crack up with laughter, it's not even that funny but Marlene and Alice have a way of making me hysterical.

Melanie comes over and drags James behind a tree and they start snogging. We all turn to watch them, they cause quite a scene when they're together. They don't care who sees what. Which is… brave, I suppose? Sirius retches in disgust, Remus lifts his eyebrows, Peter watches, transfixed and Alice and Marlene pull faces of contempt. James finally comes up for air and sees us all looking at him he hastily wipes lipstick off of his face and says goodbye to Melanie. Melanie blows a kiss before leaving.

I look at the floor. Maybe I was wrong about James. It's just that he was asking me out for so long and the stuff he does makes it look like he likes me but he does that for all his girlfriends and generally all girls so I can't be that special. I thought we could have been something. I don't know, it's too confusing but most of all I'm feeling _anger_ – at Melanie and at Potter and there's another emotion I can't quite place, one I've never felt before.

"Nice to know you love your girlfriend, Prongs," Sirius says.

"Excuse me," I mutter as I leave the grounds, anger the other emotion I can't put my finger on bubbling inside me.

* * *

><p>JAMES' P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>"<em>Well done<em>, James!" Marlene says, scowling.

"What did I do now?"

"For the love of Merlin! Boys are so _blind_."

Marlene and Alice run after Lily, leaving me utterly bewildered.

"What did I do?" I ask.

"Seriously? You just kissed Melanie Clearwater right in front of Lily. Don't you think that speaks for itself?" Moony says.

"Yeah, but she doesn't care, right? I'm an 'arrogant toerag' according to her."

Moony shakes his head, disbelievingly.

"Don't you see it, Prongs?"

"No!"

Moony shakes his head again and walks away. Padfoot follows and Wormtail scurries after them. I still don't get it. _Women _- always so cryptic. All I did was kiss Melanie, so why is everyone making such a fuss? I turn to find Molly Prewett (cousin to Alice Prewett who is together with Frank Longbottom) standing behind me. I don't know her all too well, but I do know her brothers.

"Do you really have no idea?" she asks, her arms folded. Her expression says that she is completely unimpressed by me. I've never had such a negative reaction from a girl before – other than Lily Evans but that's different because she's my soul mate.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Now this is something I thought I'd never see. The infamous James Potter messes up with a girl."

"Are you going to tease me or are you actually going to help me?" I demand.

"If I'm feeling nice, I'll help you," she says, finally.

Her whole body radiates back-off waves, but I'm not unaccustomed to these – Lily does this all the time and yet I'm not discouraged from loving her.

"So are you feeling nice?"

"Maybe, but I'll help you on one condition."

"What's that?"

"You don't hit on me and you don't tell Arthur I helped you."

"That's two conditions."

"I'm sorry, do you want my help or not?"

"Fine. I agree."

"Good. Firstly, if it was your plan to make Lily jealous, then it worked. Secondly, I must say that –"

"What? She can't be _jealous_! I mean, it's Lily. She hates me."

"Boys," Molly rolls her eyes. "Of course she's jealous. She likes you and she thinks you like her so when she sees you kissing Melanie, she confused. She wants to kiss you but Melanie is instead, so she's jealous. Lily's not used to misreading signs so she's frustrated for having wasted time thinking about you and she's ashamed for letting the whole thing happen. Not to mention that she's really pissed about not hating you, she's out of her comfort zone and she keeps trying to open up to you but you keep going out with girls, which made her back off a bit and now she's upset because she thinks the whole thing's pointless."

"You can tell _all_ that just by looking at her?"

"Yes, but then again, I'm used to feeling emotions." She narrows her eyes at me. "Unlike some."

"Hey! I'm a very emotive person."

"Sure, and I'm Dumbledore. Anyway, I wouldn't recommend finding her and apologising because she'll just bite your head off –"

"Don't worry, I'm used to it. She always forgives me in the end."

"I wouldn't be so cocky, if I were you. Lily isn't like the girls you date and then dump. She doesn't like being brushed aside like that. I would advise that you try not to be such a prick and maybe she'll come around."

"So I bring her flowers or what?"

"Merlin, no. Just stay out of the way, that's enough. If she wants to talk to you, then she will."

"I don't know if I can do that –"

"Then try," she snaps, "otherwise, you'll get damn near nowhere with her."

"Okay, no need to yell at me."

"Sorry, it's just you're so easy to shout at, very dislikeable."

"Thanks."

"Not meant to offend!"

"Don't worry about it," I mutter.

"I'm just used to saying what I think, normally it isn't that rude but I don't really like you."

"Then why help me?"

"Because I think you could be good for Lily and I care about Lily."

"I didn't know you were friends."

"We're not, but I care a lot about people."

"Why?"

"I'm not sure; my mother says I've always been hospitable and overly friendly, I welcome people into our home like they're family."

"Real friendliness you just showed me."

"I'm friendly to people I like."

"Why don't you like me?"

"You hurt people's feelings and you don't put it right."

"Oh come on! People are too sensitive."

"You shouldn't put people down so much, it's not nice."

"Well I don't have time to be nice to people."

"Don't give me that crap, anybody can be nice. I don't like and yet I helped you, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but you told me all that. I wouldn't say that was particularly nice."

Molly scowls at me but doesn't shout or contradict me.

"You mentioned something about Arthur?" I say, not wanting her to get angry with me. She can be fierce and rather scary when she wants to be.

"Oh, he's just um, well, he's erm…"

"You like him don't you?"

She blushes. "Not really."

"Are you –?"

"No! He doesn't even know I like him."

"I could subtly tell him, if you like."

"No, that's okay. I want to do this myself."

"If you're sure."

"I am, it was good talking to you, James. You're not as much of a prick as I thought."

"Thanks, Molly."

She smiles as she walks away and I think over what she's said. Lily's jealous. Wow, there's something I never thought would happen. Could this epiphany be working it's magic that well already?

**A/N:**** Sorry, me again. I realise this is a bit of a 'filler' chapter. This is probably the last of the sixth year. Next chapter: seventh year! Get ready for Jily!**


	20. Superheros and Reunion

**A/N:**** Hello everybody! The usual disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter franchise, J K Rowling does. Thank you for the wonderful support, there really is no greater feeling than opening my inbox to find it flooded with reviews and encouragement. This chapter is a little rushed, I'm sorry about that but I hope you enjoy. This is technically still sixth year but I feel like this summer holiday would be significant (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). Does anybody even read these notes? Anyhow, enjoy!**

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><p>SIXTH YEAR SUMMER HOLIDAY<p>

LILY'S P.O.V

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><p>A Petunia-free holiday. That's not something you see very often, maybe I'm a terrible person for saying it, but I don't miss her at all. Well, I miss the <em>old<em> her. I miss my sister, I do not miss the new Petunia who is engaged to a man called Vernon.

"…_engaged_ and she didn't even tell me, mum did. Not to mention the fact that when I got home, I discovered that she had taken the liberty of clearing out my room. All my memories – gone. She told mum she was just 'looking' after my stuff but in actual fact, she's got rid of it. That's not even the start of it; she's shoved all my magical books that I left at home in the broom cupboard. That sounds okay, but she knows I hate cupboards with all the spiders and claustrophobic space and the dust and the dark. Basically all the things I fear. Don't ask - I just hate dust and small spaces and spiders and the dark," that's an understatement, I'm terrified of those things.

"Furthermore, she redecorated my room as her own study. Not only did she clear all my stuff out, she put all her stuff _in_. On the door, she's put a sign saying '_no freaks allowed_' which wasn't even the worst of it. No, the worst of it was that for her wedding next year, she's decided that I have to wear this _hideous_ pink ruffle dress with a _yellow_ and _orange_ velvet cloak. And she's told everyone that I chose it. So I ran away, to Mar's house but she wasn't there. I was about to call the Knight Bus when my owl turned up and gave me a letter telling me to come to the Potter's. So, that's my story. How was your holiday, Remus?"

I sigh, it was good getting all of that off my chest. I can't remember the last time I talked to a magic being. I've missed Remus so much, it's unreal.

"That sounds awful. As for my holiday… not a lot happened. I went with Sirius to see his cousin Andromeda. That's Narcissa and Bellatrix's disowned sister. She and Sirius have had a bond since they both got disowned. Anyway, she's married now to Ted Tonks and she has a daughter, called Nymphadora. Nymphadora is about 3 or 4 years old now. Very pretty, lively and smart. She seems to have taken to me…"

I look at Remus intently, trying to decipher any messages in his eyes. There are none. Remus coughs.

"Yeah, so that was basically my first week. Five weeks to go and we get to spend them at the Potters!" he says cheerily.

I suspire, a little agitated by this.

"Don't worry about James, Sirius will be there as always and so will Peter and I. We'll stop him before he does anything bordering on creepy. And Marlene and Alice will be there, you've got nothing to worry about."

"Melanie Clearwater?" I ask.

"No," he shakes his head. "James got over her almost as quickly as he fancied her. No, but his girlfriend Lacy might be there. I wouldn't worry about her, though."

"Right," I mumble.

He looks at me, a slightly thoughtful expression on his face. He smiles a little.

"What?"

"Nothing, absolutely nothing at all."

"No, tell me."

"Fine, you and James, I think you like him more than you let on."

"Oh really?"

"Yes."

"Well, you're wrong."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yes."

"Oh come on Lily, who are you kidding?"

"_No one_. I don't like him, he's an –"

"Arrogant toerag and you hate him, yeah, yeah."

"You don't believe me."

"Of course not."

"Why?"

"Because even you don't believe it yourself."

I scowl a little because I can't rebut a statement like that. Not when it's so unfairly true. I do like James but he still goes out with a load of girls, he's irresponsible, he still pulls pranks and makes trouble with the Marauders, he pushes me away every time I try and talk to him, he teases me and yet there's something about him which makes him so utterly perfect. I can't help loving him; despite everything he does which makes me hate him. God, it's so confusing.

Remus directs the Taxi driver down a road and he leaves us in a valley. I can see a building about a couple of miles away.

"It's quite a trek, I'm afraid. I would suggest magic but you're not seventeen yet and neither am I so… we'll just have to walk."

We walk for about five minutes in silence before I feel awkward.

"So… how's Severus?"

I pull a face because I spoke to him in the last week of term. He came to warn me about something and we slipped back into our old argument. Which went a little like this:

"I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just —"

"Slipped out? It's too late. I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends... You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."

For the whole year, I've been talking to him a little more and at first it feels fine, good even but then we always end up arguing. But because we're stupid, we keep trying to make it work because for a while, it did. If Severus hadn't called me a Mudblood… if he hadn't chosen the Dark side then maybe we could have stayed best friends. I hate to admit it, but Marlene was right about Severus. I wish I'd seen it earlier.

"He's fine," I say tightly.

"What is it, Lily?"

"Promise you won't say anything horrible?"

"I would never say anything horrible, Lily, not to you anyway."

"Good, because I've been talking to him an awful lot and when we start talking, it's all okay but after a while, it just feels wrong. He's not on my side anymore and he's not my friend and yet… I feel like he should be. I miss him in a crazy way, just like I miss my sister."

"It's not who you are underneath that defines you, it's what you do."

"That sounds wise, where's it from?"

"Batman," Remus says sheepishly.

"I didn't take you for a Superhero guy, Remus."

"Most people don't, but there it is. My secret has been revealed."

"Indeed it has."

"This is the part where you tell me a secret, just so you know."

"See if you can guess: 'I love talking about nothing, it's the only thing I know anything about'."

He looks at me blankly.

"He's a Muggle author. He also said this: 'experience is merely the name we give to our mistakes'. Or perhaps this one: 'always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much'."

Remus just looks more perplexed.

"Oscar Wilde! For God's sake, are you sure you haven't heard of him?"

"No, I don't really read Muggle fiction, Lily."

"What do you read, then?"

"Comic books."

"Of course," I roll my eyes. "Your secret."

We get a full view of the Potter's house, or should I say _mansion_? His house is huge, not like eight bedrooms huge, huge as in eight floors huge. I feel my mouth fall open.

"Didn't he tell you where he lived?"

"He said he lived in a _house_."

"Oh, not like him to be so modest. Anyway, we better go in. It's getting chilly."

I shake my head in amazement as we walk inside. The furnishings are an odd mix of old and modern but it works surprisingly well. The mansion is also very light and spacious. A woman I can only describe as Potter's mother greets us. Whilst she is obviously female, she has James' eyes. Mrs Potter looks considerably older than most Wizarding parents but age hardly matters for witches and wizards as we live so much longer than Muggles. Mrs Potter is elegant and very beautiful, she has the air of someone important.

"Hello, Remus! Are you well? Have you had a good holiday so far? Oh and you must be Lily! James has told me all about you; he never mentioned how pretty you were, though. JAMES! GET DOWN HERE AND GREET YOUR GUESTS!"

Mrs Potter pulls me in a tight hug before fussing with our cases. James and Sirius hurtle down the stairs and Mar and Alice appear from one of the many doors with great big smiles on their faces.

"LILY!" Mar and Alice attack me with hugs.

Mrs Potter gets James and Sirius to carry our cases into the living room.

"It's great to finally meet you, Lily. Come on through, I'll introduce you to my husband."

We enter a ridiculously massive front room. Mrs Potter seems lovely, she rambles on about how glad she is to have Alice, Mar, Remus and I because hopefully we'll calm the boy's spirits. As for Mr Potter, he's a kind and gentle man with a spark in his eyes. He has James' unruly hair and seems to share the boisterous and rebellious nature James has. Finally, everybody calms down and I say hello to Sirius and then to James.

"All right, Evans?" he asks, flashing his outrageously provocative smirk.

"Fine thanks, you?"

"I'm fine, better now you're here," he winks at me and part of me explodes with fireworks.

"Now, now James, anyone would think you didn't have a girlfriend."

An outstandingly pretty girl with curly blonde hair, bright red lips and a perfect figure walks down the stairs, a glamourous smile plastered on her face. Despite been beautiful, something about her is very fake and ugly.

"I'm Lacy," she says.

"Lily."

"I know, I've heard a lot about you," she narrows her eyes at me, like I'm an annoying piece of rubbish she can't throw away.

"Be nice, Lace," Potter murmurs.

"Yes, we wouldn't want our guests to feel unwelcome, now would we? James, dear why don't you show Lily her room? Lacy, would you help me with this pie?"

Lacy starts to protest but Mrs Potter is quite insistent. She winks at me before turning her back on us. I blush before following James up the stairs. I mean Potter, Christ why can't I just call him Potter?

"This is your room…" Potter indicates to a white door with the name _Lily_ engraved in gold. I notice there is one door for every friend he has.

"Do you often have guests?" I ask.

"Yes, before I was born, mum and dad were like a sort of free hotel. People always stopped by, they still do. It's a sort of tradition. Mum was ever so excited when she heard you were coming, she couldn't wait."

"You told her about me?"

He shrugs. "Yeah, she doesn't like Lacy but then again, I don't really either."

"Then why –"

"Why am I with her? I don't know, she's good-looking, available and I am also all those things," he smirks. "So it just sort of happened. It's dragging on way too long, though but she wants to stay together. Shall we go down?"

We walk down the stairs in silence, me pondering everything he just said. When we get down, Alice and Mar are in an animated discussion about Quidditch, Lacy and Potter are snogging in the corner, Remus is chattering away to Mr Potter and Sirius sits next to me. We share a look of repulsion toward Potter and Lacy.

"You don't like Lacy either?" I ask him.

"Is that her name? I long since stopped bothering learning their names; they come and go too fast. As you your question, no. I don't like her and I think he's a fool to mess around with girls like her but who am I to judge?"

"Potter has a lot of girlfriends?"

"Yeah, a fair few but it never lasts."

"How long do you give Lacy?"

"Honestly? A couple of hours."

"Is that all?"

"Now you're here, he doesn't need a distraction. He still loves you by the way."

"He has a funny way of showing it."

"That's Prongs for you."

We sit in silence for a while.

"What's it like living here?" I ask him.

"Great, actually. I'm never bored, Mr and Mrs Potter treat me just like their son. It's better than anything I'd originally planned when I ran away."

There's a sort of angry squeal from the corner and Lacy marches out the door. Sirius whistles.

"That's a record, there Prongs. She only lasted a day."

"Oh dear, that's such a shame that's she left," Mrs Potter says, although she doesn't appear all to upset.

Mrs Potter beckons us to sit outside for lunch. If I thought the Lightwood Manor had a big garden, then I had definitely not seen the Potter's garden. It stretched for miles and miles, an endless equilibrium of beauty. I am in complete and utter awe, how could anything be this beautiful? So many flowers, a perfect view of the sky and the fresh smell of grass and mint leaves. There was something in the air which made me feel at home. I could spend all day just looking at the garden, probably longer.

We eat our sandwiches with all of the Potter's guests which turns out just to be the Marauders plus Alice, Marlene and I. The lunch is mildly entertaining and I can't help thinking that this is the best day of my life. Here with my friends, without a care in the world. Of course my luck was just too good.

A Ministry owl flies over our heads and drops a letter in my lap. Everybody freezes because whatever is in this letter is definitely not good news.


	21. Loss and Life

**A/N:**** Hello! The usual disclaimer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter franchise, J K Rowling does. Thank you for the support with reviews and follows and favourites. I hope you enjoy this!**

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><p>LILY'S P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>Gingerly, I pick up the letter. It appears to feel my presence and shuffles about in my grasp and tries to rise, I let it and it forms a mouth. A little bit like a howler, minus the aggression.<p>

"Dear Miss Lily Evans, we are writing to inform you of an attack on Cokeworth, England. All houses are down to rubble and we recommend that residents find another place of accommodation. There was a Dark Mark above 87 Edwards Street before Ministry officials arrived, Mr and Mrs Evans and Mrs Snape are declared to be dead. The Ministry sends our condolences and sympathy in this hard time. Ministry investigators will arrive in approximately five hours to scan the scene and look for any evidence. We will keep all residents of magical blood informed of any changes, yours sincerely, Amanda Picklesnout, Department of Dark Arts and Defence."

The letter crumples to the floor, my heart along with it. Every fibre of my being rattles. It doesn't seem real, it can't be. Why would the Death Eaters target Cokeworth? Then I get it. They did this to get at me. It's my fault they're dead. I saw them only a few hours ago and now I'll never see them again. What about Spinner's End? Severus's mother. Why would they attack her if Severus is on their side? Maybe he swapped sides. Maybe he is my friend. What if this was what he was warning me about?

"Lily?" Mrs Potter looks at me concernedly.

"I – I need to – I can't…" I can't choke out my words.

I get up and run before they can see my tears. I run up the first two flights of stairs until I find a long hall filled with paintings, chairs and doors to various balconies, I probably would have been amazed by its magnificence if I weren't so wrapped up in my own grief. I hide behind one of the sofas and let the tears fall, I start screaming and can barely catch my breath. This was never supposed to happen. This would _never_ have happened if I'd stayed at home. I could have protected them or done something. Why did I have to be so selfish and stay at the Potters'? Why am I even here? I don't like James Potter and I think the Marauders are a nuisance. This is my entire fault.

They can't be dead. What even is dead? They're gone, but _where_ have they gone? How can life just end? What kind of person can bring it on themselves to end a life? Their lives may have been ended but mine feels at its end as well. Do people take this into account when they kill someone? That every person means something to those around them, every person is connected to others. We, as humans, need those connections. It's in our souls to attach to people, to love. If that is human nature, then Death Eaters cannot be human. You need love to survive, most people do, it's a human thing. Any reasonable human being would never kill another, it would be wrong. That person has a family, a job, a place to be, a life to live. Gone in a matter of seconds. The more I think about it, the shorter life seems to be.

Now I understand what adults mean when they talk about life being short and making the most of it. My parents were young still, they still had loads of life ahead of them. What if tomorrow is my last day? This war makes that possibility an almost certainty. I'm angry, all of a sudden. At the Death Eaters for killing my parents, at Severus for warning me but not actually doing anything about it, for his cowardice, at myself for my selfishness and at He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named for starting the war which will end so many people's lives. I hate them all, myself included.

I start screaming angry words and then I feel my anger wholly dissipate only to be replaced with fear. What will happen next? What if I cannot carry on? What if I crumble away, disintegrate and become wrapped up in myself and my grief? What if I become consumed by it? How do I move on, move forward, find the light in the darkness, the silver lining? What if I turn into a monster?

The anxiety and worry replaces the fear until I transition back to my state of despondency and misery. My screaming becomes harsh, shallow breaths and then sobs. Pitiful, absolutely ridiculous and pathetic, Lily. There are people much worse off than you. Then suddenly, there are arms around me holding me tight.

"Lily?" the voice says.

"Go away. I need to be a-alone."

"No, Lily, you need to breathe," the voice sounds panicked and I try to breathe deeply.

When I finally get my breath back, I start crying, it's more controlled than my screaming and sobbing but it still hurts. The person rocks me and I cry into their shirt.

"It's going to be okay, Lily. I promise you, we'll get through this, you're not alone."

I look up to who has shown me this much kindness. James Potter. I don't even have the heart to tell him to piss off, in fact, I'm oddly glad he's here.

"I don't deserve your kind-heartedness, James. I should have stopped them, I shouldn't have come here, I was being selfish. I could have stopped it. I should have stayed at home –" the words are too much for me to handle.

"Hey, it's not your fault. There's nothing you could have done, if you'd stayed at home, they would have killed you, too. Your parents would want you alive, wouldn't they?"

His words don't really help. I'm not in the mood for him being right. Especially not over something like this. He doesn't speak again, he lets me cry. He doesn't try to offer his condolences or say he's sorry. He just sits there and supports me, which is more than enough. I don't want someone telling me everything happens for a reason, that they're somewhere better, that they're in heaven now or that they pity me. I don't want pity or sympathy. I want to carry on with my life and when people say those things, it stops me form moving on. It makes me think about it all over again, about what I believe happens when you die, where they are, how it happened, souls, heavens, hell and God or Gods. I don't know what to think about any of that, I have time for that when _I_ die. Besides, thinking about it gets me nowhere. You just go round in circles.

We must have sat there for a long time because when James took my hand and pulled me up, I felt stiff. I stride on down the hall, James catches up with me.

"Where're you going to go now?" he asks. I consider him.

"To my room, I'll clean myself up and then I think I'll go for a walk."

"Do you want me to come with you?" he asks. I shrug.

"I certainly wouldn't stop you, just bear in mind that I'm not feeling brilliantly sociable at the moment."

"Don't worry," he grins. "I've dealt with Padfoot when he's had a hangover. You can't be worse than that."

I smile, despite myself before running to my room. When I open the door, I find myself immersed in a wonderful white and pale blue room. The white curtains cover a large window which looks out on the garden, the bed is white painted metal with powder blue sheets and white pillows, the carpet is a light cream, the wardrobe, dresser and side-table are all white painted wood. I am awestruck. The Potters did this for me? I remember my old room, completely cleared out and replaced with Petunia's stuff. God, what about Petunia? I should find her, ask about the funeral. Where will I stay? I doubt Petunia would want em to stay with her and I don't want to live in a house with _Vernon_.

I push the thoughts from my mind – I'll deal with them later. I unzip my trunk and change into my favourite jeans (the ones I bought with my mother) and a green blouse (Petunia's gift to me one Christmas). I then wipe my face, let my hair down, grab my wand and run down the stairs to meet James.

James smiles broadly when he sees me. I can't help grinning back. He always manages to make me feel better somehow. He gives off a sort of aura which instantly makes me feel happy, giddy almost.

* * *

><p>JAMES' P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>I'm worried about Lily but I'm also angry. We never got round to planning revenge on the Death Eaters but this is even more of an incentive to hunt them down. The war is approaching fast, I can feel it. The anticipation of blood shed and loss. I couldn't be more ready. Lily bounds down the stairs, her hair loose. She is the most beautiful person I've ever seen. My heart aches slightly. Her blouse hugs her tightly and I can't help staring slightly.<p>

I think about all she's lost and I feel the anger rise again. I don't want to comfort her, I want to put it right. I want to get out there and try to heal her pain.

"Are you ready?" she inquires.

"Yeah."

We leave before anyone tries to follow us. I lead us down a path which leads into a woodland. It's not dark and creepy like the Forbidden Forest, but light and full of life. Lily and I walk in silence for a while.

"You broke up with Lacy," she says finally.

"I did."

"Why?"

"You seem curious, Evans. Not jealous, are you?" the question genuinely intrigues me.

"Of Lacy? No way, she had to put up with you," she says and I smile.

"Not for long though," I sigh.

"I'm sorry it didn't work out."

"Don't be, I didn't really like her."

"Then why?"

"Hell if I know, maybe I wanted to get your attention," the truth is a gamble but maybe it could work.

she stops and stares at me. I blush.

"What?" I say, uncomfortable.

"Nothing, but why would you want to get my attention?"

"Well… we kind of had a few moments last year and I thought something would happen. We've been through a lot and then after you went to the hospital wing because of Severus' spell… Well nothing really happened. There were times when I thought I knew what you were thinking and then other times I had no clue. So I started dating again, it was the only way you'd pay any attention to me. I had some advice and I've stopped bullying first years and I don't pick on people anymore. I don't know…"

"I don't know what to say, James."

"Sorry, it was stupid. I'm being ignorant to other people's problems again, aren't I?"

"No! James, you had my attention way before you started dating. At first, I didn't really like you and I thought you were an arrogant twit with a way too big an ego. But after a while, I kind of warmed to you. It's just… I don't think I could handle a relationship. I'd mess it up somehow. Like I messed up with my parents and Petunia, my friendship with Severus and God knows what else."

"You didn't mess any of that up, Lily."

"I did, and I hate the world but I can't hate it. Loads of the people I love are still here and yet I feel like the world is a complete mess."

"It takes a great deal of courage to see the world in all its tainted glory, and still to love it."

"Oscar Wilde," she says, surprised.

"Yeah, you like Oscar Wilde?"

"Yes! I didn't know wizards read Muggle stuff."

"They don't, not really. It's just, Oscar Wilde was so funny and yet so truthful at the same time. Wow, I didn't think you were into stuff like that."

"Oh."

We fall into a comfortable silence.

"James, can I tell you something which has been bothering me for ages?"

"Sure."

"I've been waiting for you to kiss me again and you never did, why?"

"Oh," I shift uneasily. "I didn't think you wanted to." That's not the real reason, I think. I didn't because I thought she's kill me if I did.

"_Boys_," she rolls her eyes.

She turn to face me and kisses me deeply.

* * *

><p>LILY'S P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>The kiss warms me up and somehow, I know how I'm going to carry on. I know what I have left to fight for.<p> 


	22. Proposing and Mix-ups

**A/N: The usual disclaimer, I do not own the Harry Potter franchise, all credit goes to J K Rowling. Secondly, I would like to apologise for several things. The first one is the late update on this story which leads me to the second apology -this is late because nothing I wrote was of any acceptable quality and this chapter may also be of unacceptable quality. This is mainly because I had a serious case of writer's block.. Yeah, I know, excuses, excuses... Anyways, enjoy!**

* * *

><p>JAMES' P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>Lily and I pull apart after what seems like seconds but is more likely minutes perhaps even hours. The minute we part, I want to kiss her again. She goes red and I wonder why. Is she embarrassed?<p>

"We should –" she starts but stops herself.

I break the silence and kiss her again, fire burning inside me. Her arms reach around my neck and my hands slide around her waist. The position just seems so right, like we fit perfectly together. Then I realise that we do, being soul mates. Then I remember the Epiphany of the Soul. Should I tell her? Lily notices that I'm a little distracted and frowns, studying my face anxiously.

"Did I do something wrong?" she asks, the worry in her voice almost makes me laugh.

"No, of course not. You're wonderful, you know that, Lily?"

"No, I'm not, James," she sighs. "My parents are dead, my sister hates me, Severus –" she stops herself.

"What about Snivellus?"

"Nothing," she says quickly. "We should go back."

I want to push her further, ask her more but I can't bring myself to do it. I take her hand and we walk back down the path. I wonder if her heart's racing as much as mine. I've always been relatively cool around girls but with Lily… she makes my tongue wrap around itself and I can't form words. It's so irritating. We're about to be within sight of the house when Lily turns to me.

"James, I don't know about you but I don't want to tell everybody straight away."

"Why not? Are you ashamed of us or something?"

"No, of course not! It's just. I don't know. I'm not ready for that, everybody talking about it."

"They won't, they're all too wrapped up in their own lives to care."

"You know them, they'll all be saying 'I told you so' and I'm going to mess this up, James. I'm not good at keeping the people I love safe and happy. I can't do it James, not yet."

I exhale, but I don't contradict her because maybe she isn't ready. I'd be a heartless person it force her to tell everybody after she's just found out her parents are dead. I guess I forgot because she's handling it well. I think.

"We'll tell them when we're both ready, Lily. I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to."

She smiles weakly. We head up to the house and when we're almost at the door; Lily slips her hand out of mine. I have a half a mind to kiss her again but I don't. Marlene answers the door, her face sick with worry. When she sees Lily, she practically cries with relief and hugs Lily.

"We didn't know where you went! We were so worried and just after… Oh Merlin, I'm so sorry Lily. Come inside. MRS POTTER! LILY'S HERE!"

She puts her arm around me and leads Lily inside. Nobody even acknowledges me. When I reach the kitchen, I see my mother putting a cup of herbal tea in front of Lily who's wearing a blanket on top of all her other layers even though it's August. My mother shoos Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and I out of the kitchen so she can look after Lily. I try to protest but my mother isn't having it so instead I smile at Lily and follow Moony out.

"Where d'you go, Prongs?" Padfoot asks, his eyebrows stitched together.

"With Lily. She needed someone to talk to and I was prepared to listen."

"And she let you?" Moony says, miffed.

"Yes, I can be charming."

"Not with Lily, you can't," Moony scowls.

"What's your problem, Moony?"

"_Nothing_. I'm just surprised. Lily doesn't normally come to you for advice or to listen."

"You thought she'd come to you," I glower at him, murderously.

"No, but –"

"But that's what you meant, wasn't it? Why would Lily consult me, when she could consult you?"

"Now, now, gentlemen," Padfoot steps between us, "may I remind you that our darling Lily-flower has just lost her parents. If we could sort out this trivial disagreement later, it would be much appreciated. Neither of you are helping Lily by arguing. Just snap out of it and start acting like men. Lily needs support, people don't just 'get over' things, you know. She'll need time to heal."

"Seeing as you're the _expert_, Padfoot, what do you suggest we do?" Moony says irritably.

"I didn't claim to be the bloody expert, I'm just stating the obvious –like I normally do. Let's all go down to that coffee shop place in the town. We can get a drink, socialise. It might distract her at least."

"If you're so clever," Moony says and Padfoot rolls his eyes, "then why are we distracting her?"

"You expect Evans to talk about her feelings to bunch of guys whom she has hated for years because they cause nothing but trouble? I thought you were supposed to be the smart one, Moony."

"I just meant that she might want to talk about it."

"When you lose your parents, the last thing you want to do is talk about it. That comes later when you've accepted the whole thing and got over the shock."

"You haven't lost your parents, Padfoot," Wormtail points out.

"They're as good as dead to me," Padfoot snaps.

We stand in silence for a while.

"Where is she going to stay now that her house is burnt down?" Wormtail pipes up after the long stretch of awkwardness.

"I don't know, Wormtail." I say, wearily.

"You mean you haven't offered her to stay here? You know your parents wouldn't mind."

"No, they'd be ecstatic but she might not want to stay here," I say, uneasily.

"Of course she will," Padfoot dismisses.

At that moment, Lily comes out of the kitchen. She looks at all of us and cocks her head to the side. We all go red, like you do when the person you're talking about turns up.

"Hello," she says.

We mumble greetings and Marlene comes out. She strides up to Padfoot, laces her hand in his and kisses him straight on the lips.

"See you later," she says before turning around.

Both she and Lily walk off to the garden to enjoy the evening sun. We turn and stare at Padfoot. Padfoot blushes. It looks like I'm not the only one in love.

* * *

><p>LILY'S P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>Marlene and I walk into the garden. Alice joins us and we just relax and talk. I try to ignore the feeling inside me which feels like I'm ripping apart. I'm determined not to fall apart; I'll only have to pull myself together again which would be even more painful.<p>

"I love Sirius," Mar says after what feels like forever.

"Long time coming," Alice huffs. "Now all we need is Lily to admit she loves James and the world will be at peace."

I look down at the floor and then at the sky. The sun goes down and stars come out. I look for the brightest two and smile to myself. If only Petunia were here with me, to share this. Maybe my parents are in the sky, watching us. Or maybe not. Maybe they're decomposing in the Ministry of Magic. Still, I miss my sister and I miss my parents.

"Are you okay Lily?" Mar asks. I exhale, not certain how to answer.

My standard answer would be 'fine thanks, you?' even if I don't feel fine. If you say you're not okay, then you have to explain and how can I possibly explain the feeling of the sky on my shoulders? Saying 'fine thanks, you?' is just so much easier. But I don't feel not-fine, I feel worse than that. I feel like my life has been torn to shreds and every living thing is an excruciating reminder of my loss. It doesn't even feel real, it's all a bit much. Too much all at once.

"Sorry, that was insensitive. Of course you're not okay," Mar curses to herself. "I'm not really good with this stuff, Lil. I've never lost anybody and I can't even imagine what it's like… I know you're sick of hearing this, but I am sorry. Not pity, I don't pity you. Who would ever pity Lily Evans? The prettiest and most talented witch in our school? No, I don't pity you, I just don't think its fair you're in this position and I can't do anything about it and I'm sorry that I'm not omnipotent."

I crack a smile. "Thanks, Mar."

We slide back into silence. Alice picks up a daisy and lets the petals fly off in the wind, Mar picks at her nail polish and I watch a bird fly to its nest.

"Amos asked me to marry him," Alice says.

We blink at her stunned.

"What?" Mar splutters.

"He asked me to marry him," she repeats.

"When?"

"A few days ago, he wrote me a really long and compassionate letter about what the future and what it could hold for us."

"And what, he just wrote 'will you marry me?' in a _letter_?" Mar says, incredulous.

"No, of course not! He just implied that that was what he was thinking. He wants to meet up in the nearby village. You know, the one the Marauders were talking about. I think he's going to ask me then."

"Wow, Alice! That's great!" Mar says, smiling and Alice looks at the floor. Mar's smile drops off of her face. "It is great, isn't it?"

Alice starts to cry. I look at Marlene, perplexed. She mirrors my expression.

"But it was going fine with him, you said –" Mar begins.

"Well I lied! I don't think I want this."

"What? But you've always loved him and you said things were going so well. You seemed to mean it. What's the problem exactly?" I ask her.

"I feel bad talking about this, Lily. Like my problems are worse than other people's problems and you've just lost your parents… No, I didn't want to say anything about the letter because it seemed stupid and I don't want to talk about it now because –this is vacuous. Talking about this. I just need to tell him."

"But Alice, you haven't said why you're not going to say yes," Mar says.

"Oh. Well I thought it was obvious, I don't want to be married. I don't even know if I love him anymore."

"How can you suddenly not love someone?"

"I don't know, it was gradual. I guess I never really loved him, he loved me. I was in love with being in love. He loved me, he thought I was beautiful, how could I turn that down? I thought that I'd learn to love him but –well, I want to try something different."

"So you're just going to say no?" I look at her, astonished.

"Of course not, I'll make him break up with me."

"How're you going to do _that_? He's enamoured of you!"

"Yes, but if he sees me doing something crazy, then maybe he'll break up with me."

"I think you're deranged, Alice. He'll never let you go. Besides, why don't you break up with him? He had that thing with Dorcas and he shouted at you. You said he was going to make the break-up look gradual. What about all the fights you had?"

"I know. He's nice, but he cares a lot about being seen as nice –you know, a good guy. He is and he deserves better. He should go out with Dorcas."

"Did he tell you that he broke it off with Dorcas?" I ask.

"No," her eyebrows stitch together. "What if he never did?"

"But if he never broke it off with Dorcas, then why would he ask you to marry him?" Mar points out.

"Unless…" Alice runs back to the mansion.

Marlene and I look at each other.

"I can't believe that. Amos and Alice."

"What do you mean?"

"Well it's hardly a match made in heaven, is it?" Mar says.

"No, but she seemed happy."

"Please," Mar snorts. "That girl hasn't been in a proper relationship. I'll bet he still has a thing going with Dorcas."

"You want them to break up?"

"It's what's best."

I think that over. Could everything change just because that's what's best? Alice comes rushing out of the mansion.

"IT WASN'T FOR ME!" she shouts, slightly shaken.

"What wasn't for you?" I ask as she gets close enough to hear me.

"T-the letter! It wasn't addressed to me! I just assumed… I didn't read the start of it. It was addressed to Dorcas."

I look at Mar and we share a look.

"What?" Alice asks.

"So he asked Dorcas to marry him, not you?"

"Yeah! He must have sent me the letter addressed to Dorcas," Alice says miserably.

"Hang on, isn't this a good thing? You wanted him to break up with you."

"Are you mad? That was because I thought he wanted me to _marry_ him. Now _I_ want to break up with _him_ and not the other way around. He can't cheat on me, not after everything we've been through. I'm sending him a howler."

Alice stalks away, the steam practically radiating off of her.

"I'm glad I'm not him," Mar mutters. I can't help agreeing with her. I stand up and walk with Mar to the mansion.

"So, what's your deal with James," Mar says.

"Erm. Complicated," I say truthfully.

"I see," Mar gives me a knowing look. I want to ask her what she means by that, but I don't.

Mar and I go up the stairs and part our separate ways. I go into my room and get changed into my pyjamas. I'm just about to get into bed when there's a knock on my door.

"Hello? Who is it?"

"It's James."

My heart pounds against my chest. "Come in."

He comes in, wearing an extremely cocky grin. I smile and my stomach feels like it's doing flips. He steps closer and puts his hands on my waist. I wrap my arms around his neck and I kiss him.

"I just came to see how you're doing," he breathes against my skin.

"It's not me you should be worried about, Alice is on a rampage."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, it turns out Amos still has a thing with Dorcas."

"That's unfortunate, I feel sorry for him. Almost."

I smile at that. He kisses me again and the kisses become more passionate. I don't want to say 'snogging', that sounds too casual. In fact, when he pulls away, it takes all my strength to not kiss him again.

"Well… it's late. Good night, Lily," James turns to go.

"James, wait!" he turns around. "I-I wanted-what I'm trying to say is…"

I suspire in frustration. James smirks a little.

"Yeah me too, Lily, me too."

He walks away, I'm a little disappointed he didn't stay longer but I do need time to think and process everything that's happened. I don't know how James knows what I mean when I can't even get the words out myself, but he does. I wouldn't say I _loved_ him, at least not yet, but… but, there's definitely maybe something there.


	23. Hurt and Bad Jokes

**A/N:**** Hello again. You know what I'm going to say already... I don't own the Harry Potter franchise, all credit to J K Rowling, sorry for the late update and shoddy quality, etc. The new school year will be SOON, just don't ask when. Oh and corrections have been made (thank you again, Ranma's girl1, that was very helpful!). **

* * *

><p>SEVERUS' P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>I got the letter yesterday. My mother is dead, just like my father. So are Lily's parents. That was never the plan; neither was me crying all over Narcissa.<p>

"I'm so sorry, Severus. This was never supposed to happen –"

"_Supposed to happen?_ They _promised_ Narcissa! They promised! They said they wouldn't hurt my mother or Lily. They _promised_. I did everything they asked, I made an Unbreakable Vow to do everything they asked. Why would they?"

"I don't know, Severus. I'm sorry, I really am, and this isn't fair. I know it's not, but Severus, you have to carry on. You've still got Lily –"

"She doesn't care about me! She thinks I'm a lost cause and that I've backed the wrong side. What if she's right?"

"Severus, look at me," Narcissa looks into my eyes. "I promise you now, Lily hasn't given up. Not yet. I don't think there is a 'right' side on this war. When the time comes, both will do equally as much killing. They call themselves the 'light side' but they won't treat us with mercy. There're worse than us, Severus, they're hypocritical Charlatans. Pretending to be just and fair," Narcissa spits, distastefully, "it's all an act. Besides, even if you are on the 'wrong' side, you're doing it to protect Lily. Think about it, Severus. If you leave us, then Lily has no chance of surviving. A Mudblood like her? She'll be squashed like a bug."

"Don't call her a Mudblood," I growl at her.

"Bella sends her apologies," Narcissa ignores my comment.

"What does she care?"

"More than you'd think! She may come across as… unpleasant," I snort at that, "but she does care. You're part of her side, she wants you alive."

"Great, she only cares about my Wizarding skills."

"Look," Narcissa says patiently, "that may be true but so what? Bella never cared about her family. She won't care if any of us die, but because we're all fighting for the same thing –a better world- then she does care. She needs us, the Dark Lord needs us. Everybody needs a family, Severus. Even you."

"Is that really what you think we're fighting for? A better world?"

"Of course, I need something to aim at, don't I?"

"War isn't going to bring a better future."

"Perhaps not, but there's going to be a war anyway, no matter what we do. I may as well side with the people who can guarantee my family's safety no matter what happens."

"You don't honestly believe that the Dark Lord will protect us?"

"I'm not saying this is an ideal situation, Severus. It's not ideal but I'm doing the best I can do given the circumstances. If I had more time, a different place… Merlin knows what I could do… but I need to carry on, I have people relying on me. I can't turn my back on Bella, Lucius. I can't. I have a duty to protect them, loyalty."

"Your family are a load of lunatics and murderers."

"Careful," she says, her eyes cold, "my family is also your family, Severus. They may have their flaws but they are still my family."

"I don't –"

"You forget I'm on your side, Severus. I'm trying to help you. I wish you'd appreciate that once in a while. I can't be everything all at once! You go on about freedom and doing what I want but I can't! I'm not backing down, I don't agree with everything the Dark Lord stands for but I'm not switching sides. I'm your friend, Severus. It's about time you sorted out your priorities."

She walks irately out the room. Great, another friendship I fucked up on. If only Lily were here, she'd know what to do. I wonder what she's doing now, what she's thinking. Does she hate me? Where is she staying? Has she gone to see the ruins yet? Who is she with? Is she as alone as I am?

* * *

><p>LILY'S P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>Nightmares visit me, Bellatrix cackling as Severus tortures me. I'm screaming but no one can hear me. I wake to the sun shining through my eyelids. There's a distant shouting which is rapidly approaching me, getting louder. I can't decipher what they they're saying –it's all white noise. Probably Dad and Tuney fighting about the wedding again. I have half a mind to tell them to shut up. Someone bangs on my door. Probably Mum.<p>

"Go away!" I yell at the door, I really want a lie in –it is the holidays.

I open my eyes. I'm not at home, the whole room is white. Am I dead? Wait, no. I'm at the Potter's. Then it dawns on me like a tonne of bricks. My parents are dead. I'm not at home; my home has been reduced to rubble. Suddenly the sunny day seems like a joke. I sit up and grab my dressing gown. There's another bang on the door.

"Who is it?" I shout, with difficulty because all I want to do is sleep and never wake up.

"Sirius!" the voice roars back.

"What time do you call this?" I demand, opening the door.

"About eight in the morning," Sirius smirks. "Whoa Evans, just got out of bed?"

"What do you think?" I scowl at him.

"Alright, Evans, no need to get testy."

"What's all the shouting about?"

"Ah, that's Amos and Alice."

"_Amos?_ What's he doing here?"

"Uh, I don't really know. Mrs Potter let him stay which probably wasn't a good idea. Alice is just getting started. Last time I checked, she was throwing an expensive Chinese vase at his head."

"Oh for God's sake! Why didn't you stop her?"

"Why would I? It's hilarious!"

"Damn you, Sirius."

"Oh, before you storm down there, I'd recommend that you change into something else."

I look down at my pyjamas and catch my reflection in the nearby window. My hair is a mess and I look like I've been dragged through a hedge. Nobody'll take me seriously dressed like this.

"Right, yes…" I turn and slam the door before quickly changing into jeans, my blue blouse and a jacket. I brush my hair and pull it up before opening the door and rushing downstairs. It feels so good to be distracted.

I run down two flights of stairs before I reach the room they call the 'ballroom'. Alice has angry tears rushing down her face and Amos' face is red and irritated.

"How could you do this to me? You absolute bastard! I've had enough of you, of this."

"Alice, please, calm down. It was a simple misunderstanding –"

"_MISUNDERSTANDING?_ You were going to marry Dorcas! You heartless, authoritarian, dictatorial, manipulative player! I hate you."

"Alice, please," Amos tries to touch her arm.

"Don't touch me. Just get the fuck away from me."

"_Alice_."

"Go to hell," she sneers at him.

I march in-between them.

"Okay, Alice-"

"What d'you mean _Alice_? Who's side are you on?" she demands.

"Yours, of course," I turn around and punch Amos square in the face. "Nobody hurts my friend."

Mrs Potter nurses Amos' face. She squeezes some antiseptic onto his nose, Amos winces.

"Sorry," she says, too cheerily to be sincere.

We're all sat around the kitchen table, Marlene on Sirius' lap, Alice as far away from Amos as possible, Remus next to Alice, then Peter, then me, then James. We're so close to each other I can practically hear his heartbeat. My own heart quivers a little.

"It's not broken," Mrs Potter says, "but possibly fractured. You'll be fine."

"Thank you, Dorea," Amos says, scowling.

Mrs Potter leaves the kitchen. All our eyes fix on Amos. He whimpers nervously.

"I should go," Amos says after a while.

"Yes, you should," Alice snaps at him.

"I'm sorry," he says, his eyes shine hopefully.

"Don't give me that, your charm doesn't work on me anymore. You cheated on me with Dorcas. You said it was over between you two. You lied _and_ cheated. Not to mention planning on _marrying_ her when I'm still your girlfriend. When would you have told me? When you two had already got married?"

"No! I would tell you, I promise I would."

"I don't believe you," Alice says.

"Look, Alice I love you."

"If you love me, then why would you marry Dorcas?" Alice's eyes well up with tears.

"I don't know! Dorcas… she's really amazing, level-headed, intelligent –"

"If she's intelligent, she'll leave you. Does she know about you and me?"

"Of course, everybody knows about us."

"Why didn't you break it off with me and just go out with her?"

"It would've broken your heart."

"There's more damage done when you lie about it, Amos. It would have been kinder just to split up."

"I'm sorry, you're a lovely person and you're pretty. You'll find someone."

"You're choosing Dorcas over me?"

"Erm," he smiles awkwardly, "yes? She's beautiful. No, that's an understatement - she's super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot."

"This is all over looks?" Alice says, her voice catching.

"Duh," Amos rolls his eyes, "what did you expect? Me to love you for just the way you are? No. You're funny… and cute. But if I have to choose, then…"

"I don't believe you, Amos. Get out."

"Oh come on! What did I do?" he protests.

"OUT!" Alice shoots hexes at him and he runs out of the mansion at top speed.

Alice turns; her anger disappears and is replaced with tears. I get up and lead her to the drawing room. She sits down and cries into her hands. Mar appears behind me.

"I can't b-b-believe I wasted so much time on him," she sobs.

"You're not to blame, Alice. Amos is a dick. Be happy you're rid of him."

"I suppose," she says, glumly, "but I can't believe the whole thing was over _looks_. Are all boys that shallow?"

"Not all," Mar says, "but a fair few. Same for girls, really. You will find someone who cares about _you_ as you are. It may take a while but I think everybody has a soul mate."

There's a click in my brain… an Epiphany of the Soul. Could it be linked to having a soul mate? Does that mean that James and I…? No, I refuse to believe in _soul mates_. As if the future can be set in stone like that. Besides, James isn't a soul mate sort of person. Still, he would be my soul mate. With me forever. But what about the rest of my life? I love James but I've never been in love before. Look at Mar, she's been in love hundreds of times, or mildly attracted. Whatever you call it.

"How do even find soul mates?" Alice asks.

"I dunno, I guess it's all just chance…and fate. I met Sirius."

"You're serious about that?" Alice asks.

"No, he's Sirius," she grins and we groan. "Yes, I am serious about our relationship. I think we have something. Now all we've got to do is survive this war and the two of us can live happily."

There seems to be a dark mood hanging in the air – my grief mixed with Alice's hurt. Mar coughs.

"Okay, let's lighten the mood… I'll tell a joke. How do you count cows?"

"I don't know, how do you count cows?" I ask, slightly amused.

"With a cowculator."

I raise my eyebrows at that.

"Like you could do better," Mar says.

"Maybe I can. There's two fish in a tank, and one says 'How do you drive this thing?'"

Alice snorts. "I expected a little better, Lil."

"Oh really? How about this one: why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?"

"I dunno, why?"

"They're really good at it."

"What's orange and sounds like a parrot?" Alice asks, considerably cheerier now.

"A carrot," I say dryly.

"Ooh! I've got a good one. My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he's only got his shelf to blame."

"I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his very expensive diamond watch and said, 'I want you to try and sell this to me.' So I put it in my pocket, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said, 'Bring it back here right now!' I said, '£100 and it's yours.'"

"How about this one: a man with a few mental issues walks into a dentist's office. He says, 'Doc, you gotta help me! I think I'm a moth!'

'You think you're a moth?' the dentist asks.

'Yes!'

'Well you don't need a dentist... you need a psychiatrist.'

'I know,' says the man.

'Then what are you doing here?'

'Well, you're light was on, so...'"

I laugh a little at that one. Our joke competition seems to be going well, they're as awful as each other.

"What's brown and sticky?" Mar asks.

"A stick," Alice grins.

We collapse into giggles at our outrageously bad senses of humour. It's hilarious but I don't know why. What even causes you to laugh? There's a knock at the door, Sirius pokes his head around the door.

"Hello, we're all going to the café in the local village, you coming?"

"Yeah, we might as well. Oh! I have a joke about that. So, a man rings up the local gym and he says 'is this the local gym?' and the man on the other end says, 'I dunno, it depends where you're calling from'."

"That's appalling, Evans. Terrible."

"We don't all have a mordent sense of humour," I retort.

"Easy with the insults, Evans. Anyone would think _you _were the mordent one."

I poke my tongue out at him. We all get up and head out. The village doesn't feel local at all, it's about four or five miles away but we walk anyway. Mar retells all of our jokes and Remus politely laughs at every single one. Peter howls with hysteria at the jokes, which isn't surprising.

James and I bring up the rear; he laces his hand in mine.

"Someone'll see," I whisper in his ear.

"I don't care, do you? They all think there's something going on between us anyway."

"That's exactly why I don't want them to see. I want to forge my own path; I won't fit into society's requirements. I won't be controlled by anything."

"Good luck with that, Evans."

"I overheard something," I say.

"What exactly did you overhear?"

"You and Sirius were talking about you snogging Marlene," I say, he gulps.

"Did you hear anything else?"

"An Epiphany of the Soul, or something like that."

"Ah."

"Is that all you've got to say?"

* * *

><p>JAMES' P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>I hesitate. Now would be a good time for Dumbledore to appear and cast a few memory charms.<p>

"I can't tell you," I say.

"Why not?"

"Because Professor Dumbledore didn't think it would be wise to do so."

"When was the last time you did anything he said?" she frowns.

"Yeah, well I trust his judgement."

"I want to know."

"And I'm not telling."

"Why not?"

"Just leave it, Lily. I can't tell you so leave it."

She huffs, frustrated. "What about you snogging Mar, my best friend?"

"We never had an affair, if that's what you mean."

"But why?"

"Oh for Merlin's sake! Everyone has a past and everyone has a future. Can we focus on the latter please?"

"Sure," she grumbles.

We walk in silence.

"What's your favourite colour?" I ask her.

"Why do you need to know that?"

"Why not? I don't know the answer."

"Blue," she says. "What's yours?"

"Red."

"Would you ever get married?"

"I don't know, when I'm older perhaps. What about you?"

"No. I don't want to belong to anyone."

"Why would you belong to anyone?"

"Marriage does that to people. Besides, one in two marriages end in a divorce."

"You're such a pessimist. Wouldn't you ever marry for love?"

"I don't need a piece of paper saying I love someone."

"Maybe not but marriage is a big thing in the Wizarding world. If you're not going to get married, then you're not going to have kids."

"I didn't say I didn't want kids, I do."

"Then why wouldn't you get married?"

"You don't have to be married to have children."

"In the Muggle world, perhaps but in the Wizarding world, it's unheard of."

"Oh."

We stop outside the café. It's a nice place which serves good coffee. When we sit down, I make sure Lily sits next to me. When we order, I discretely put my hand on her knee. She scowls at me but otherwise says nothing. The waitress that comes to deliver our drinks is –in one word- gorgeous. All of us Marauders stare at her. My hand removes itself form Lily's knee.

"What do you charming gentlemen want?" she asks.

None of us can get our words out.

"Five teas with milk and sugar and two black coffees please. Oh and three slices of carrot cake, two slices of lemon drizzle and two toasted teacakes, please," Lily says.

When the stunning lady leaves I turn to the table and see Lily and Mar glaring at us. Sirius tries to kiss Mar, but she bats him away.

"Come on, what did I do?"

"Hmph, go snog _her_," Mar makes a rude gesture in the waitress' general direction.

"You don't seriously think…" Sirius splutters.

I try putting my hand in Lily's but she gives me a look so full of odium that I desist immediately. Sirius and I share a look, _women_.

* * *

><p>LILY'S P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>James puts his hand on my knee, electric shock run through my body. I scowl at him because he can't just do that in public. Then a waitress with a skirt too short and a top too low comes over to our table. The boys practically drool all over themselves.<p>

James' hand moves away from my knee. I glower at him because this is classic Marauder behaviour. They have girlfriends but the minute a slutty waitress comes along, they're all over her. Well, if he thinks he can do that with me then he is very wrong. I end up ordering for us all because the boys can't form a single word.

When she leaves, Sirius has the nerve to try and kiss Marlene. I snort because he would have to be God to kiss Mar after that. James tries to take my hand but I refuse. The once unfamiliar feeling which I felt when seeing James kiss Melanie boils up inside me again. Then I put a name to it: jealousy. Oh no, Lily Evans doesn't do jealousy. That's an emotion which only petty people feel and yet… I brush off the thoughts. I don't _love_ love James but I do feel something toward him. Something more than mild tolerance.


	24. The First I Love You

**A/N:**** I know, I know, I haven't uploaded in _days_ but there is a reason. Since it's the run up to Christmas, I've been running around like crazy sorting out presents and getting ready for assessments (I know, teachers are cruel). I literally haven't had any time to even look at my laptop. Anyway, I don't own the Harry Potter universe, J K Rowling does. Thank you so much for all the support, it is a little surreal. We're up to 34 followers, 27 reviews and 11 favourites which is truly awesome. Have fun reading, I hope this doesn't read like it's rushed. I solemnly swear I tried to make it go at least a little slow, but these feelings just creep up on you sometimes.**

* * *

><p>A FEW DAYS LATER<p>

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

><p>Somebody knocks on the door. I glance at the clock. 12 pm. Who could possibly be knocking at this time of night? I sigh a little, dragging myself out of the comfort of my wonderfully warm bed. It was just the right temperature, not too cold, not too hot. I open the door.<p>

"Hey, Evans," James grins at me. I roll my eyes at him, exasperated.

"It's bloody midnight. I'm not nocturnal, you know."

"Yeah, yeah. You need your beauty sleep and all that…" he pushes past me, into my room.

I close the door and turn around to look at him, perplexed. "Why are you here?"

He smiles broadly. I rub my eyes, still half-asleep. Well, I was asleep until I had nightmares of Severus torturing me and my parents dying.

"Well, Lily-flower," he says and I scowl at him, "I didn't think I needed a reason."

I'm about to protest but then he pulls me into him and kisses me. I don't know how long we stay like that, in complete euphoria. When we finally stop, I notice that his shirt somehow came off and my shirt is half-way off. I'm surprised to say the least. I didn't think the two of us were like that. Part of me knows we're going way too fast, all things considered but the rest of me aches to go further. It's not like I don't know him, because I do. Probably better than most people.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

"Yeah, we're just… we're going quite fast aren't we?" I say and he frowns.

"No… I didn't think so."

I take a moment to consider that. Of course, he's had loads of girlfriends but they can't all have been that easy. I'd like to think they didn't all just jump into bed with him. Actually, thinking about them makes me feel sick.

"I've never done this before," I admit.

"Done what before?"

"The whole kissing thing."

"Oh. Really?"

"Yeah," I know I'm going red.

"You don't have to be so embarrassed about it. I'm just flabbergasted that a guy never got very far with you."

"I'm not a slut, James."

"No, I know," he says quickly. "It's just…most girls your age have –"

"_Most girls my age?_ In case you didn't notice, James, I'm not _most girls."_

"Forget I said anything," he mutters.

I stall for a moment before kissing him again. He wraps his arms around me and I wrap mine around him. Our bodies press together but it doesn't feel close enough. He lifts my shirt off; I'm wearing a bra under my pyjamas, just because I couldn't be bothered to take it off. I'm instantly self-conscious. I reach for my shirt before he can look properly.

"Hey," he says, concerned. "Did I do something?"

"No, it's just…"

"We're going to fast?" he guesses.

"Yeah. I don't really know what we are or how I feel. I mean we've only been doing the whole kissing thing for three days. Everything's a bit muddled at the moment. I'm sorry; I'll let you know when I've figured it out."

"Okay, do you want to go and watch the stars with me?"

I bite back a smile.

"I remembered how much you like the stars and tonight the sky's really clear. I thought we could see them together. The news said something about a meteor shower –"

I reach forward and kiss him lightly and softly. "That sounds great."

* * *

><p>He takes my hand and I can't help my smile as we walk down the stairs together, creeping quietly so as not to wake anyone. When we get to his garden, we walk about halfway down it, so we can't be seen and James lays down his jacket and we lie on it together. I roll into him, for warmth in the fresh summer night's air. We both look up at the stars. They're the brightest I've ever seen them.<p>

James turns towards me and sweeps the hair out of my face. "Are you okay?"

That's when I notice the tears rushing down my face. I've been crying so often lately that I don't realise if I am or not. I wipe my eyes hastily.

"Yeah, it just reminds me of home."

_Home_. What used to be home doesn't exist anymore. I keep having those terrible moments when I forget what happened and I think that my parents will be at the house when I come back in the next Christmas holiday. I usually go home for Christmas. I suppose I won't anymore. The thought saddens me. My parents. The scary thing is that sometimes I can't remember things about them. I miss the little things as well. Like asking them about funny baby stories, advice from my mum, watching TV with my dad, Christmas, walking on the beach with them in the Summer, their faces when I come home after months away, the good-night hugs and kisses, my mum making me breakfast, my dad's pancakes and a dozen other things. I think this is when the reality settles in. They're not coming back. They're dead.

"Lily," James says softly, "you know, you can live here. I know it's not the same and nothing will ever make up for your loss but… I intend to try. You know I'll always be here."

"Always is a long time."

"Hm, not nearly long enough," he says, kissing my forehead.

"I just miss them. It hurts so much… I remember when my Grandma died. That was awful. Mum broke down, it was like a part of her had died along with my Grandma. I remember her being completely broken and distressed and there was nothing I could do or say. This… them dying is like the whole of me dying. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore and I don't have them to help me find myself. I need them, James. It isn't fair. I feel so broken, I don't want to carry on sometimes and I know it's cowardly to just give up when there's so much to live for but… I can't. Sometimes I wish I was dead. I feel numb. From feeling too much and feeling too little inside. I feel like a ghost. Like you could push your hand right through me, I'm just sort of drifting from one day to the next. It doesn't feel like living. I'm lost James. The worse thing is that even though I have all the people I love around me all the time, I still feel completely alone. Like I'm facing everything by myself."

I can't get any more words out; I just surrender to his embrace and cry into him.

"Trust me, Lily. I'll never let you be alone. I'll do whatever it takes. Even if it takes you forever for you to love me back or even longer… I'm not going anywhere."

"There's nothing longer than forever."

"For other people, perhaps but our minutes are longer than everyone else's."

"What are we doing, James? I –"

"'_The very essence of romance is uncertainty,'_" he says.

"Oscar Wilde," I smile.

"Indeed. You know what else he said? _'When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one's self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.'_"

"You're on fire today," I look at him, taking in his eyes.

"You bet I am. I want you to know that I don't care if you want to slow things down. I love you and that's all I care about."

I look at him gratefully, painfully wishing I could say those three little words back but I'm not ready. Instead I kiss him deeply and I feel his love fill me up, giving me strength. God, that sounded cheesy, but it's true regardless.

The two of us end up getting a little bit cold so we go up to my room to get some sleep. Admittedly, we spend most of the rest of the night kissing and into the next morning but eventually I feel my eyes close.

* * *

><p>THE NEXT MORNING<p>

* * *

><p>I lift my head drowsily, that was the first night without any nightmares. I'm in my own room at the Potter's. I look beside me. James is lying next to me but both of us are fully clothed. I sigh with relief. I snuggle into him and he stirs a little, his arm drapes lazily around my shoulders.<p>

"Good morning," I whisper to him.

"Good morning, Lily."

"I'm going to get dressed out of my pyjamas," I tell him.

"Can I come with you?" he asks, hopeful and I raise my eyebrows.

"_No_," I throw my pillow at him before going into my bathroom (my _own_ bathroom!).

When I come out again, he's dressed. He smiles at me. I walk up to him and he kisses my forehead.

"You look lovely," he says.

"So do you."

"The lady flatters me," he says, mockingly. I hit him playfully.

He beams before kissing me fervently. We only pull apart when I notice that I'm a little cold because my shirt's come off. I untangle myself from him, pull on my shirt and examine myself in the mirror.

"You messed up my hair," I tell him, faking annoyance.

"I'm terribly sorry, ma 'lady."

"Oh don't be, kind sir," I say, brushing through it with a comb before tying it up.

* * *

><p>We walk down the stairs together; he puts his hand on my waist. When we reach the bottom of the stairs, I push his hand away using all my willpower. We enter the kitchen where Mar, Alice and Sirius are sitting around the table.<p>

"Morning love birds," Sirius smirks at us.

"We're not love birds," I mutter grumpily.

"Whatever you say," Mar grins at us.

I sit next to Alice and tuck into some toast made by Mrs Potter.

"We were going to stay home today, Prongs. Swim in your pool –"

"You have a swimming pool?" I ask him.

"Didn't Prongs tell you? Ah well, never mind. Yes, he has a swimming pool somewhere in the garden. We were thinking about having a lazy day, you know… eating food, drinking pumpkin juice –"

"You do that anyway," Mar points out.

"Hey! You're supposed to be on my _side_," Sirius pouts and Mar kisses him.

"Ahem," Alice clears her throat.

Mar and Sirius reluctantly shift apart, grinning like total idiots.

"By the way, you and James look like that every time you enter a room together," Alice says, amusedly.

James and I blush a fierce red. Sirius and Mar laugh at our unease.

"Okay, enough!" I say.

"Oh but it's so funny…" Mar collapses into hysteria.

"No it's not, Mar."

"It is! Because it's true, you two are always so awkward around each other."

"No we're not."

"Stop the lies, Evans. We all know you and Prongs have a thing. Just accept it. Now, I dunno about you guys but I'm getting ready for a day of chillaxing."

We all roll our eyes as we disperse. I go upstairs with Mar and Alice to get changed into our swimwear.

* * *

><p>AN HOUR LATER<p>

* * *

><p>"LILY! Catch!" Mar throws me her sunglasses before she dives into the pool.<p>

I catch them before they hit the water and put them on the side. We've been swimming for about half an hour, the other half hour was spent by the pool side, drinking pumpkin juice. I'm yearning to spend alone time with James and yes –maybe kiss. He's been staring at me the whole time I've been swimming which makes me nervous as well as giddy. I've been staring at him for quite intently as well. Quidditch has made him muscly and very good-looking. Did I mention how perfect he looks with his shirt off?

Alice swims alongside me. "He's staring at you, Lil."

"I know."

"In fact, he looks like he's dissecting you with his eyeballs. And you're just as bad. You two should just get it over with. There's so much frustration between the two of you… it's uncomfortable to watch."

"What _are_ you talking about, Alice?"

"You know what, love-making, sexual intercourse, sex, shagging."

"Right."

"He won't care that it's your first time, you know."

"I know but I think I want to wait until marriage."

"I thought you didn't want to get married," Alice frowns.

"I didn't but… here in the Wizarding world if you want kids, you get married. Besides, James kind of persuaded me to the idea."

"Wow. I'm impressed, not many people can persuade you to do things."

"I'm not that stubborn," I splutter.

"No, and I'm Dumbledore," Alice mutters.

"So… how's your love life?"

"Erm, empty. How's your love life?"

"I don't really know."

"Are you and James friends?"

"That doesn't really cover it."

"Boyfriend and girlfriend?"

"That doesn't really cover it either. We're something else. I mean, I've known him for ages and I feel like he's part of me almost."

"So why don't you just tell him you love him?"

"I'm scared. Besides, how d'you know I haven't told him I love him?"

"Oh, you can always tell."

"I want to. I don't know if I'm ready."

"You're never ready for it, Lil. Nobody is. Just say it when you feel it most. I promise it'll turn out alright."

"Maybe you're right," I sigh, "I do love him but is that wrong of me to be so happy when my parents can never be happy again?"

"Of course not! They wouldn't want you to be miserable."

* * *

><p>We swim over to the pool side where Mar and Sirius are snogging. We don't bother interrupting them. Only Alice seems a bit miffed, that they're displaying how much they love each other right in front of her eyes. I grab my towel and let my hair down form it's bobble. I had tried to prevent it from getting soaked but… when Sirius decides to have a dive bombing competition… I don't know what I was thinking. Luckily, it's boiling today so I won't be suffering from hypothermia for long.<p>

James waves me over. He's sitting on his own because Peter went inside after he clumsily fell at the pool side and Remus has just left him to talk to Alice and Sirius is otherwise engaged with Mar's mouth.

"Hey," I say.

"Hello. Have a nice swim?"

"Yep. I think I swam the length of your garden."

"Impossible, you'd still be swimming," he grins.

"Maybe I'm speedy."

"Maybe you're lying."

"What if I'm not?"

"Then I'd be annoyed you didn't tell me about your secret super power."

"It wouldn't be a secret super power if I told you."

"No, but you'd tell me because I love you."

"Alright, you got me. I don't have the power of super speed."

"So what is your super power?"

"Not telling," I smile as I sit next to him on the grass.

"I'll tell you mine."

"What's yours?"

"Excessively good looks," he says.

"Can't argue with that," I mutter.

"Do my ears deceive me or did Lily Evans just agree that I'm handsome? What's next? Perhaps an amazingly good kiss?"

"Don't push it."

"Oh come on Lily, nobody's watching," he touches my wrist, massaging it with his fingertips.

I bite my lip in frustration. I really want to kiss him but what about other people? Damn it. I reach over and kiss him like I never have done before, I don't hold back at all. All my doubts fly away. My arms wrap around him and pull him closer to me, he reciprocates. James is the one who pulls away in the end.

"You just…in front of everyone –" he stutters.

"You know yesterday when you quoted Oscar Wilde? _'When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one's self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance.' _Yeah, well I've decided I don't want us to have what the world would call a romance, I want us to have what we call a romance. No deceiving. I love you, James Potter."

"You love me?"

"Yes, I love you. And I _mean_ it."

"I can't believe it. After all these years… SIRIUS! LILY JUST SAID SHE LOVES ME!" he yells at the top of his voice. I blush a little at that but I'm not embarrassed.

He then grabs my hand, pulls me up and kisses me with such intensity that I practically fall backwards. Well not practically, actually. We don't even stop kissing when we land in the swimming pool. My heart explodes and it seems that I'm filled with warmth right through to my soul. Nothing could be better than this.

* * *

><p>JAMES' P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>I'm screaming inside. Lily Evans, the girl I've loved for years has finally said she loves me. I feel so happy, like I could fly. The girl I love loves me back. I feel complete. There's no way to describe it. It's like being in love but <em>more<em>. Is there more than love?

I grab her hand and kiss her like I never have done before. She stumbles back and we end up in the swimming pool but I don't care. We carry on kissing until I can't anymore. This is without a doubt, the best day of my life.

**A/N:****It's me again, sorry if this seems rushed. I really need to move onto seventh year though... so don't hate me!**


	25. Returning to Cokeworth and Shopping

**A/N:**** Hello! I do not own the Harry Potter multi-verse full of awesome, J K Rowling does. I hope you like this chapter, we hear from Severus again!**

* * *

><p>LAST WEEK OF THE HOLIDAYS<p>

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

><p>Today is the day of the funeral. I'm going to see the ruins of Spinner's End, Edwards Street and what remains of Cokeworth. I brush my hair gingerly, before straightening my black dress. I did make an effort with make-up but it somehow made my face look even more tired and corpse-like so I took it off. There's a knock on the door, I wonder who it is. It won't be James or Sirius because they normally just barge in, Alice and Mar shout from their rooms if they want to talk and Peter never knocks on my door. This leaves only one possibility –Remus.<p>

"Come in," I call, my voice hoarse from crying.

Remus opens the door and smiles at me weakly.

"Are you ready?" he asks.

"Mhm," I manage to choke out.

His face looks so helpless, it's a look I've seen on so many people recently. They want to help me but they can't. There isn't anything they can say to make me feel better. Instead he hugs me which just makes me cry harder.

"I wish I could say it's going to be okay… oh Lily. I don't know what to say. Just stay strong, okay? If not for your sake, then do it for James'. Or for Marlene and Alice's, they're all driven mad seeing you like this. Me too, Lily. Maybe you'll get closure. We love you, Lily."

I try to compose myself. I stand straight and shake my head slightly, bringing my walls back up, protecting myself once again. I manage a half-hearted smile and Remus and I leave my room. I asked Remus to come with me ages ago, for moral support and I'm glad he's decided to come. Remus understands me better than a lot of people, apart from maybe James. When we get downstairs, I see Sirius, Marlene, and Alice, Peter and James all dressed in black.

"W-what are you doing?" I ask them, my breath catching.

"Coming with you, you dolt," Mar rolls her eyes, like it's obvious.

"But –"

"Oh shut up, Lily. We're coming with you whether you like it or not," Sirius cuts in, dragging Marlene and the others with him through the door and into the waiting Knight Bus.

I'm a little shocked but I'm secretly happy as well. All my friends… I can't believe they would do this for me. I'm a little frightened as well; I don't want them to see me breaking down. James takes my hand and a wave of serenity washes over me. I'd forgotten the way he makes me feel just by being _near_ him.

* * *

><p>We get on the Knight Bus and in what feels like a matter of seconds we arrive at Cokeworth. I hold my breath as we get off. I'd braced myself for the worse, complete rubble, broken glass but what I see is even more shocking.<p>

I drop my coat and walk forwards, repulsed and curious at the same time. Every street has been blown to pieces apart from Edwards Street and Spinner's End. The places that once meant the most to me. I walk towards Edwards Street, stepping on windows, mirrors and fences like stepping stones. I stop at the start of the street. Memories hit me like lightning bolts, running down these streets with Petunia, talking with Severus as we walk back from Spinner's End, laughing at one of my dad's jokes... Stop it, Lily. Just carry on walking.

Every house is exactly the same, eerily pristine. Apart from my house. 87 Edwards Street is complete rubble. I walk on the cobblestones, my shoes making the only noise for miles around. I can almost pretend I'm walking home. I stop outside my house. There's Dark Magic radiating off of my house. The front door is still intact, so is the front garden fence. Beyond that, all I can see is timber and brick. My old bedroom curtain burns away on a dying flame on top of our burned away dining table. Other than that, everything is sound. I step forward and push open the door. It's strange going inside, my old room is on top of the dining room and the roof's crumbled into the back garden and the rest I can't make out.

I walk back out of the door, which seems silly because it's the only thing still standing. I close the door behind me, the familiar click of the door shutting makes my heart jump. I walk to Spinner's End, to find Severus' house. His house hasn't been touched but you can still feel an aura of evil. I'm not surprised in a way; Severus' house has held many evil events. Not just cold murder. I stop outside the door, contemplating on whether I should knock. I know Mrs Snape was murdered which makes no sense. Why would the Death Eaters kill the mother of one of their own?

* * *

><p>I turn away before I start seeing memories I don't want to remember. Instead, I walk to the park near a lake. Severus and I spent hours there, just talking. Tuney and I used to swing on the swings, me going higher and higher before flying to the ground. Tuney used to tell me not to, because it was dangerous. That was when Severus came and told me about Hogwarts and what I was. God, that seems so long ago. Too long ago.<p>

"Indeed, Miss Evans. Sometimes it takes the bad and the old to remember the good and find out the new."

I whip around to see Professor Dumbledore standing beside me. "Professor Dumbledore, what are you…"

"Doing here?" he says helpfully, "I knew you were coming here long before you did," he sighs. "Death is a strange thing, Miss Evans. Very strange indeed."

"Mhm," I say, because I don't really know what he's getting at.

"You see, Lord Voldemort," I wince slightly at the name, "works by using our greatest advantage as a weapon. To him, the murder of his own friends would not affect him as he doesn't have any. We should pity him, don't you think? Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?"

"I'm not sure that I do, Professor. If it's our advantage, then how can he use it as a weapon? And why would anyone feel sorry for _him_?"

"An interesting question, how can an advantage be used as a weapon? If you ever find the answer, let me know. I'm talking about something you have and he does not. Something which makes life better and worse. He does not know this; he cannot fathom this source of power which is why he is ultimately weak. "

I stare at him blankly.

"You, yourself have it, Miss Evans. A weapon so powerful and yet so common, Lord Voldemort doesn't understand it."

"I don't have any weapons, Professor," I say miserably. "There's nothing I can do in this war."

"That's not true," Professor Dumbledore smiles, "you've had it all along."

"If I have this weapon, then why couldn't I save them? Why couldn't I save myself? Why couldn't I stop Severus? I'm useless, Professor."

"My dear, sometimes you can't save people," his eyes turn misty and grey, "sometimes the only thing you can do is let them go. You can't hold onto things forever, it isn't right."

"I _can't_, Professor. I can't let them go. Not when I could…"

"Miss Evans, it doesn't do to dwell on what could have or would have happened. The 'what if' game, I suppose you would call it, will only make things worse. Let's say you were here that night, you didn't go to the Potter's. Do you think they would have survived?"

"No."

"Miss Evans, those Slytherins you seek vengeance against, can't you forgive them?"

"They don't deserve forgiveness."

"No, but you deserve peace," he counters. "You'll only be happy when you learn to accept and forgive. Hating each other is exactly what Lord Voldemort wants us to do, what he doesn't understand is that forgiveness is a form of love. He doesn't understand love."

"Love is the weapon to defeat evil? Professor, that's ridiculous. What can a feeling do?"

"Everything, my dear. A feeling can change everything. If you didn't love your parents, would be here today? If you didn't care about anything would you be alive still?"

"What are those things going to do? How is my love and care going to help anyone or anything in the war?"

"Miss Evans, if only you had a little faith. In the words of Ghandi, _'the weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong'_. Tell me, why are you going to fight in this war?"

"I don't know. To get revenge?"

"That is a flaw, Miss Evans, an Achilles' heel, if you will. You care and love too much. You care too much about what others think of you. You're fighting in this war because you want to protect the people you love. It's the year 1977; there has been talk of war since the 40s. I believe your sister is getting married near Christmas this year, am I correct?"

"She was going to have the reception next year, in the summer," I say, confused. "Why would she have changed it?"

"I imagine that as your parents were helping her organise the affair, she wanted something low-key and less frivolous as soon as possible. The Muggles are not stupid; they can feel things stirring as well."

"I don't know what to do, Professor. I don't want to hate people but what about justice?"

"Justice," he muses over the word, "justice is in the eye of the beholder. War is a terrible thing, Miss Evans; I personally would not inflict anything like it on any person. No matter what terrible things they've done."

"What should I do, Professor?"

"My only advice, Miss Evans, is to remember the people you love and know that as long as you believe it, love will give you the strength you need when it matters most."

"But what do you mean –"

"Good bye Miss Evans, I have faith in you," Professor Dumbledore disappears in sharp _crack_ I recognise as Disapparition.

I'm left standing there, trying to work out what he means by love giving me the strength I need when it matters most. I need strength _now_. I sit down on the grass bank and lie back. I briefly consider not going to the funeral but the idea is preposterous. I need to go. To say good bye.

* * *

><p>JAMES' P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>We get off the Knight Bus. Lily looks a little stunned when she sees it. I'm a little stunned as well. After hearing Lilt talk about this place for years, this isn't what I expected. Obviously, it's down to rubble so that's not normal but I can't imagine Lily running down these streets, these dark and cold streets. Then again, I haven't seen what it was like before.<p>

Lily drops her coat and walks forwards, transfixed. I make to follow her but Mar puts her hand on my arm to hold me back.

"Just let her go, this is hard for her."

"Which is exactly why I need to be with her."

"Yeah, it's hard enough that we're all here watching whilst she breaks down. She really needs to be alone. This is her childhood, her past. We should respect that."

"I just hate feeling so helpless," I sigh.

The Knight Bus has already zoomed off so we're left stranded.

"I still can't believe she said she loves you," Padfoot breaks the silence.

"Yeah, me neither," I smile to myself.

"How are you two working out?"

"Okay. It's unlike any relationship I've ever been in."

"Of course," Padfoot grins, "'cause you're soul mates."

Marlene and Alice frown at that. "What do you mean _soul mates_?"

"Er, so there's this thing, an Epiphany of the Soul…"

I launch into an explanation of what happened the day Lily first went into the Hospital Wing for a long time and how Dumbledore came to visit me and why it's supposed to be a secret.

"…so you can't tell her," I finish.

"She's our friend; it's kind of our job to tell her."

"Yeah, but we're protecting her by keeping this a secret."

"How? You already know she loves you. She said it herself. I'm sure she wouldn't mind that the two of you are destined to be," Alice points out.

"I don't want to tell her yet and I certainly don't want anyone but me telling her," I say.

"To be honest, I don't think she'd believe you," Marlene says. "She thinks soul mates are a load of rubbish. You'd need proof."

"Oh I can give her proof alright. Maybe I don't need to tell her. Maybe the evidence will present itself and _she'll_ come to the conclusion of what an Epiphany of the Soul is," I can already feel a plan forming in my head.

"You mean she already knows that an Epiphany of the Soul exists?" Padfoot says.

"Erm, she kind of overheard us, Padfoot. She also knows Marlene and I snogged."

Marlene turns red. "W-what did she say?"

"Nothing really," I shrug, "she was a bit annoyed I'd do that to one of her best friends but… as I pointed out, every –"

"'…_every saint has a past and every sinner has a future'_."

I turn around to find Lily standing behind me. I knew it straight away, nobody else I know quotes Oscar Wilde so fluently. Her face is tearstained, as it has been recently. I tackle her with a hug and kiss her. We do kiss a lot, but we've got two wasted years to make up for. I developed a serious crush on her in the fifth year, before that, I was just winding her up.

"Ahem," Marlene says.

We stop attacking each other's' lips and turn red. Marlene and Alice sandwich her in a tight hug.

"I don't mean to turn everything all serious but we've got a funeral to go to," Padfoot says.

With that, we make our way to the local church, me holding Lily's hand. This is going to be hard for her but I'm not leaving her side. She leans on me a little, the two of us carrying a burden together.

* * *

><p>SEVERUS' P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>"Thank you Severus!" Narcissa kisses my cheek.<p>

"Yeah, yeah. Just don't make me wear a dress."

"I wouldn't dream of it! Speaking of which, what do you think of this one?" Narcissa holds out a green dress.

"It looks hideous."

"Oh! But it would go so nicely with Lucius' tie. What about Bridesmaid dresses? Should I go lighter green or darker green?"

"I don't know! Shouldn't you be doing this with a _girl?_"

"Why? Bella hates shopping of any kind and I don't really know any other girls who would be willing to come with me."

"Why?"

"Er, girls are sort of terrified of either Lucius or Bella or both of them. Apparently if they're anywhere near me, the Dark Lord will unleash his fury or something."

I snort at that.

"What?"

"It's just ridiculous. Why would anyone not want to be your friend?"

"I don't know, Severus," she sighs. "Anyway, what do you think? Dark green or light green?"

"Er, what colour's your dress again?"

"Emerald green."

"So why do you want your bridesmaid's dresses to be green as well?"

"Fine then, not green. What about orange? Or red?"

"I don't know, Narcissa. Orange?"

"Mhm, maybe you're right… It's just, what about red? Red is quite nice with green. Wait no, there's some old proverb about that. Bad luck for them to be together or something."

"Yeah, but they're Christmas colours, aren't they? You're getting married at Christmas anyway so…"

"I suppose you're right. It'll be nice to have a Christmassy wedding. We're getting married on the 24th and we'll have our honeymoon over Christmas. Lucius is taking me to Paris. _Paris!_ It's going to be so romantic."

I roll my eyes. Narcissa has talked of little else but the wedding and how romantic it's going to be. To be honest, thinking about Lucius being romantic makes my head hurt.

"What are you going to wear, Severus?"

"What?" I choke.

"The wedding, Severus. You are coming aren't you?"

"You're inviting me to your wedding?"

"Of course, you're my friend. Now, what are you going to wear?"

"I don't know. A suit?"

"Well obviously. Oooh! Look at this!" Narcissa holds up an extravagant emerald dress.

"I thought you were getting your dress designed."

"I am, but I need ideas don't I? In fact, Lucius' mother's helping me choose the lace and she's lending me the Malfoy family jewels. They've been handed down for _centuries_. What do you think of pearls?"

"I'm not opposed. So how is Lucius?"

"Hmm, I don't think pearls are very appropriate but they're better than the rubies. Oh Lucius is fine. It's Bella I'm worried about. What about silk?"

"Silk's fine. What's this about Bellatrix?"

"I don't know about silk. Silk and satin or just satin? Oh Bella's not too keen on Lucius. She's a little angry with me for wanting to marry him but I told her it's not her place to judge."

"And you're still alive to tell the tale?" I marvel.

"Of course," she laughs, "Bella's my sister. She'd never hurt me."

"I never heard of Bellatrix making exceptions for family."

"You antagonise her," Narcissa scolds me, holding up some fabric of some sort.

"And you're deluded."

Fortunately, she laughs instead of hexing me for insulting her.

"What do you think of ribbon instead of braided gold?"

"For what?"

"My hair, duh," she says.

"Erm, silver?"

"Yes!" she beams as me, "I knew it was a good idea to bring you along. Silver would not only complement my skin tone and hair, it wouldn't clash with the green. Like Slytherin! You're a genius!"

She kisses me on the cheek _again_. In a sisterly way, of course. Narcissa is like the sister I never had, possibly my only friend. Apart from Lily but she doesn't count me as one of her friends anymore. I wonder how she's doing. The funeral would have finished by now, is she okay? I hope so. There's nothing left of my mother to bury and she didn't have friends, so it would be only me at her funeral. Instead, I've had a gravestone made for her put up in the cemetery. She wasn't religious so she wouldn't appreciate any kind of ceremony or service. The thought saddens me deeply.

"Severus?" Narcissa's face is warped with concern.

"What?" my head snaps up, suddenly aware of time and space.

"Are you all right?"

"Not really," I say truthfully.

Narcissa's the only person I ever say what I'm really feeling or thinking to. She's not going to judge me, so long as I don't insult her family. She sits beside me on one of the plush velvet stools in the bridal shop.

"I'm sorry about what I said before… I should have been more sensitive. You know I consider you to be part of my family, Severus. It's not right. The Dark Lord said he'd give your mother his protection and he didn't –"

"Please, Narcissa, I really don't want to complain or do anything about it."

"Why not?"

"I think the Dark Lord ordered for my mother to be killed as a warning. To keep me in line. Also, killing Lily's parents…now I have to see her hurt and watch by idly. It's a test, Narcissa. For loyalty. Will I leave the Death Eaters like Lily wants or will I stay and watch her suffer?"

"You can't leave," Narcissa says quickly.

"No," I agree, "but I most certainly can't stay. What do I do?"

"I'm not sure. On the one hand, you can show Lily who you are and make the so-called right choices or you can protect her in the long run by sticking with us. Just remember, Severus. Leaving the Death Eaters isn't really possible; you've pledged your allegiance. Besides, if you were to stick by Lily, sure it would be good for a while but then she's move on. She has her own friends, Severus. What makes you think she loves you so much that she'd give up everything to come with you? Short term gains versus long term consequences. You need to stay here."

"I know but what if she could love me back?"

"And what if she won't? You're better off here. Despite what Bella and Lucius say, they do consider you a friend. Moreover, you've got me. You know me, Severus. I'm not going to leave you."

"Pinky swear?" I hold out my pinky.

"I'm not familiar with this, is this a Muggle thing?"

"Erm, yes. Lily taught it to me."

"Is it legally binding?" she asks in utter sincerity.

"You could say that, yes."

"In that case, yes. I pinky swear," she and I link pinkies.

It makes me smile because Lily taught me so much about the Muggle way of life and in return, I taught her about the Wizarding world. I wonder now if what I told her was completely accurate. I mean, I did say that it didn't matter what your blood status was but I didn't want to scare her. It may be technically illegal to be friends with a Muggle-Born but Lily's different. You can't deny she's got talent. She's just as good a witch as any Pureblood. So why am I on this side in the war? I don't agree with this so why am I here?

My Dark Mark burns but I can barely feel it. I've had enough of the Mark controlling me and being part of me. So I use my talent in Legilimency and Occlumency to ward off the Marks' power. The Mark works by reading your emotions which come from your brain and soul, I can't control my soul but I can control what the Mark sees in brain. I can manipulate the messages sent form my brain to the Mark, something which is unheard of. Legilimency allows me to manipulate the signal, Occlumency allows me to shield my true thoughts. Many people die because they fool themselves into thinking that free-thought still exists. Free-thought does not exist. If you know what you're thinking then so does the Dark Side which is why anyone who's smart should learn both Legilimency and Occlumency. The skills are invaluable.

"I think we should go now, Severus. I can't promise we'll stay alive for long but I have every intention of making it through this war."

"Of course, for Draco and Cassiopeia."

"Yes," she smiles wistfully, "I would like to have a family after the war. I wonder sometimes if having children at this sort of time is wrong, like raising pigs for slaughter."

"You have nothing to worry about, Narcissa. You're not even a Death Eater, you'll be safe no matter who wins the war. You're not pregnant, are you?"

"No! Of course I'm not pregnant. We're back at school in a _week_, Severus. I'm not careless, you know."

"I know."

"All right then, let's go to the café down the street. Coffee's on me."


	26. Vereor Attack and Grief

**A/N: Hello! I hope you had a good Christmas and if you don't celebrate Christmas then I hope you had a good week. I know this is VERY VERY late but I took a break for Christmas and I think you'll agree that this chapter is quite long. **

**I am going to write right up to when Lord Voldemort attacks Godric Hollow. This'll take a long time (perhaps) and I'll probably skip most of the fighting but yeah... I hope you'll stick with me. **

**Once again, I do not own the Harry Potter franchise, J K Rowling does and all credit goes to her, etc. **

**Thank you for the mega support, it's quite surreal! I hope you enjoy and I apologise for the dramatics - it's like a soap opera, one disaster after another.**

* * *

><p>SEVERUS' P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>I never thought I'd say this but I can't wait to go back to school. For one, I'll see Lily which not only makes me feel light-headed but also terrifies me to pieces. For another, school work will keep me busy. Being busy is always at the top of my agenda. If I'm always doing something then I can't think and process stuff. I can't get upset. It also means I sleep as soon as I hit the pillow from exhaustion and as I'm so tired, I don't have nightmares. Whilst not thinking about it is great, I'm subsequently in a state of permanent fatigue. Narcissa keeps telling me to 'relax' and 'take it easy' but I can't. She even had the nerve to suggest therapy. I get that she's concerned and all but she doesn't have to replace my mother. I can take care of myself.<p>

I've got used to being alone. Whenever I hear Narcissa's light and easy-going laugh, I jump with surprise. It's odd to picture the world getting up and carrying on like nothing ever happened. People being happy and utterly oblivious to all the suffering and hardship around them. Sometimes I want to scream at them. Ask them if they're blind or just completely stupid. Narcissa says I need to let it go, just take a deep breath and pull myself together. It's not other people's fault there's a war coming which will turn my steadily yet rapidly decaying world into smithereens. Except it is their fault. I blame every single one of them. One way or another, they'll complicate things. If they're on the Light Side then Narcissa could die which would destroy me and if they're on the Dark Side, they might be the one who kills Lily. If either one of them died then I would not hesitate to end my own life.

Today, I'm meeting Narcissa for ice cream in Diagon Alley. It was her request and I find it very hard to say no to Narcissa. In fact, I found it very hard to say no to Lily and yet I did. I joined the Dark Side anyway and now her life is in danger. It's my fault. But sometimes to reassure myself, I say that my joining the Death Eaters didn't change Lily's fate. I'm only _one _measly Death Eater, what difference could I make? This offers little consolation as of late because I know that by joining the Death Eaters whilst I was still friends with Lily definitely put her on the radar. If… shut up, Severus.

Currently, all I do is replay the last few years in my head. What could I have done differently? I'm also paranoid, I see potential enemies everywhere. Especially when I'm with Narcissa. I feel the need to protect her. Not just because she's a sister to me but also because I want to protect her unborn children. No, she's not pregnant. Yet. But she really wants to have Draco and Cassiopeia and I want to make sure that happens (with Lucius, obviously). She deserves to have a family. _And so do you_, I hear the annoying voice in the back of my head say. _No, I don't deserve anything._ I find myself believing those words. As long as I have no expectations, I can never be hurt or disappointed.

I'm so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I don't notice the witch in front of me.

"Sorry," I mumble before walking around her.

"Snape!" she shrieks. I wince, it's Bellatrix. "Are you trying to be an absolute dingbat?"

"Nice to see you too, Bellatrix."

"Just watch where you're going," she snaps.

"Is Narcissa…?"

"What about her?" Bellatrix scowls, but at the mention of Narcissa, her face softens slightly.

"Is she with you?"

"What am I? Her personal bodyguard?"

"No, but you're her sister and I thought –"

"You thought I'd know where she is," Bellatrix glowers at me with distaste.

"And do you?" I say, exasperated. Conversations with Bellatrix are never straightforward.

"What's it to you?" she leers at me.

"I'm meant to be meeting her for ice cream –"

"Ice cream?" she cackles, "is that what you do in your spare time? Not much of a Death Eater are you?"

"Do you know where she is or not?" I ask, not bothering to disguise my impatience.

"Yeah, she was getting ready. She'll be here in about ten minutes," Bellatrix eyes me reproachfully, "well don't let me keep you. Go and enjoy your _ice cream_ like a true Death Eater."

She saunters away. I roll my eyes, typical Bellatrix. I wait at the ice cream parlour for about seven minutes before Narcissa walks in. She beams at me when she sees me. I can't remember the last time anyone was so pleased to see me.

"Severus!" she leans in to hug me. Hesitantly, I hug her back.

She sits down, making a show of pushing her hair back from her shoulders. Her engagement ring glitters in the morning sun light.

"I saw your charming sister just now."

"Oh," Narcissa looks down at the menu.

"Oh? What do you mean 'oh'?"

"Nothing," she says and I feel a flash of annoyance.

"It's obviously not 'nothing'."

"Well, we had an argument. Over the wedding. She refuses to come and I can't persuade her otherwise."

"So? You're better off without her killing the mood."

She narrows her eyes at me, showing a striking resemblance to Bellatrix which makes me gulp.

"She's my _sister_. I need her there for support. Mother says she'll come around but I don't know. She's been so _off_ recently. Always busy doing something for the Dark Lord, preparing for the war… you know the only time I felt like I had my sister back was when she adamantly refused that I be allowed the Dark Mark. She even persuaded the Dark Lord. She said she didn't want to lose me. I guess she was calling me weak but I felt like she cared. Is that stupid of me?"

"No. But what's this about you being _allowed_ the Dark Mark?"

"Ah well," she looks at her hands, "I wanted to join –"

"Narcissa!" I can feel the shock evident in my eyes mirrored back in her expression, "what were you _thinking_?"

"This is exactly what Bella said! I'm not a child, Severus. I can make my own choices and I'm definitely not weak!" Merlin, she sounds so much like Lily.

"No, of course you're not. But, Narcissa, the _Death Eaters_? You do realise that if we lose the war and you're a Death Eater you have little to no chance of having a family."

She bites back a response at that. She looks ashamedly at her hands.

"I-I didn't think about it like that."

"Look, Narcissa. I know you don't need protection but you need to make it through the war. For Draco and Cassiopeia. Remember?"

She looks up at me and nods.

"You're a good friend, Severus."

I look away. I don't have the heart to tell her otherwise. The thought of her joining the Death Eaters seriously bothers me. I feel like I need to protect her despite the fact that she doesn't need protecting. There's another thing Bellatrix and I have in common. It also makes me sad because I always felt the need to look out for Lily, too. Which is ridiculous because Lily is more than capable of taking care of herself.

We spend the rest of the morning with endless chatter. I can almost pretend everything is good and well in the world.

* * *

><p>LILY'S P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>FIVE DAYS AFTER THE FUNERAL<p>

* * *

><p>When we got back from the funeral, I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I couldn't talk. Every day it crushes me. They're not coming back. They're dead. Don't panic. Keep breathing. It's going to be okay. They're not coming back. They're dead. Don't panic. Keep breathing. It's going to be okay. An endless cycle of that thought process to stop me drifting away completely.<p>

I was not dealing with it at all.

Right now, I'm writing in a notebook because I'm having memory difficulties. I think half the reason I went into a state of panic was because I saw my sister at the funeral. We didn't talk, obviously. We did, however, exchange troubled looks as if she was considering hugging me and we could be proper sisters again but that didn't happen. She pushed me away when I tried to hug her. That made me cry harder. We then scattered their ashes over this hill at the end of a walk we used to do as a family. That was the hardest bit. Saying goodbye didn't make me feel any better. I know Tuney blames me for their deaths. I blame myself as well.

This is strange within itself, I've heard that a lot of people receive closure after the funeral but it just made things worse for me. At the same time, I had to go. I felt like I owed it to them.

When we got back to the Potter's I ran straight up to my room and didn't come out for two days solid. In that time I didn't sleep, drink, eat or talk to anyone. I think I had a panic attack from mild shock.

When I finally did open the door (nobody wanted to use force or magic, they wanted me to do things my way), Mrs Potter nursed me back to health. When I finally did get some colour back which was quite fast, thanks to Mrs Potter's healing skills, I tried to get some sleep but I failed. Every now and then, my vision goes and I think I might be dying. But it always passes. I did refuse to eat or drink so Mrs Potter had to use some very complicated spells to make sure that I did. They couldn't make me talk to them, though. After a while, I just gave up. I went to sleep and didn't wake up for 19 hours.

Why was I reluctant to go to sleep? First of all, night terrors, second of all, I wanted to wait for James. That's part of the reason I was so distressed. James, when I resumed a calm state of mind which could process things other than pure fear and panic, was gone.

Now I'm awake, I'm in a constant state of anxiety. It's completely irrational and all in my head. I'm afraid of falling asleep but I do it anyway. The nightmares keep coming, so vividly that I start thrashing and screaming in my sleep. I can actually _feel_ the pain. When I wake up, my cuts are bleeding. It isn't normal.

After two nights of night terrors, Mr Potter eventually decided to teach me Occlumency. I'm getting to grips with it fairly well. He seems to think something is trying to control me or possess me which I suppose should frighten me but after everything that's happened, I'm not scared. Well, not any more than I usually am. This upcoming war worries me but I'm dealing with my problems as they happen. I think the idea that something is causing this is reassuring. A reassurance that I'm not delusional.

The worst thing about all of this is that James isn't here, like I said. I yell for him all the time, apparently even when I'm asleep but he doesn't come. I keep asking Mr and Mrs Potter where he is but they don't answer. Sometimes I shout for my friends or, when I'm really distressed, I shout for my parents. Nobody ever answers. Mr and Mrs Potter probably think I'm insane. Maybe I am insane. Or maybe there's something possessing me. I'm hoping it's the latter.

* * *

><p>REAL TIME (AS IN, THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW TO LILY)<p>

* * *

><p>Today is no different. I wake up in sweat and blood. I grab the wet cloth at the side of my bed and wash away the blood from the cuts. I then haul myself up and drag myself to the shower. Showers are a lot of effort so in the end, I settle for a bath. The warm water relaxes me and eases the aches and pains all over my body. I dry myself and wrap bandages over the worst of the cuts and put plasters on the smaller ones. I then get dressed and brush my hair. This routine helps. There's always something to do, I don't need to worry.<p>

I then practice Occlumency, which is hard when I don't have Mr Potter to help me. Briefly, the pain stops and I feel a moment of triumph. Then it hits me again and I almost stumble over. I remember James and my heart momentarily stops. I _need_ him. Being apart from him is unbearable. I start screaming again. Mrs Potter rushes into the room.

"What is it?" she asks me, cradling me like my mother used to.

"I need James," I wail into her.

"Oh Lily, he's away. You know that, with the Order."

"The Order of the Phoenix?" I ask her, remembering what Dumbledore had told me.

"Erm…" she wavers, "I'm not supposed to say, but yes."

"Then I should go too," I say, scrambling up, a newfound purpose squashing all the pain.

"No! Lily you can't! Special orders from Professor Dumbledore, you need to stay here. It wouldn't be safe. Besides, what would James think if he saw you like this?"

I take that in. Of course, James. I'd scare him half to death if he saw me like this but why should that stop me? James is more than capable of seeing me 'like this'. What's wrong with me, anyway? Nothing James can't handle, I've been worse and I've been better. I'll get through this. Then I have it, the will to live and carry on. For James. I stand up, shaking Mrs Potter off of me.

"You have to help me get better," I tell her.

"I have been, Lily. Believe me I have."

"I know you have. Thank you. But I think we're going the wrong way about it. We're treating my condition like an illness."

"Maybe you're right," she says, doubtfully, "What happened to you, Lily?"

"I don't know. The funeral made everything worse instead of better. My sister rejected me and I suppose that set it off. Then everybody was there and I just needed to let it all out but I didn't want to appear weak. Then I panicked. Then I was frozen with terror and then all my nightmares became more intense. But I'm not scared anymore, it all seems so stupid. Yeah, my parents are dead and that's never going to not be true and it's always going to make me sad but I can't stay trapped up like this. It's pathetic, selfish even. It's a complete over-reaction, especially considering that the worse is yet to come. The war I mean."

"Lily, that's very mature of you, but you should never be afraid of showing your emotions. If you need to cry, then cry. My husband suspects that what caused the sudden rush of terror and panic was a Vereor of some sort."

"What's a Vereor?"

"A Vereor is a creature which sees a victim in distress or in a vulnerable state and inhabits its brain and causes trepidation. I think perhaps you are right about your…condition not being a medical illness."

"So, will Occlumency work?"

"Yes, but the most effective way would be to destroy it."

"How do you destroy it?"

"Do the exact opposite of what it wants. It wants you to be out of control, so be calm and happy. Maybe even laugh a little. Soon, it will either be overridden by mixed messages or it will move on."

"Okay. Once it's out, will I get better?"

"Possibly. I'll do anything I can to help you Lily. I think you're half way there to recovery anyway. Not just anyone would be able to handle an irrational monster so calmly. You're strong, Lily."

"Thank you," I say meaning it.

* * *

><p>SUNDAY 1st SEPTEMBER (TWO DAYS UNTIL SEVENTH YEAR)<p>

* * *

><p>I get up. I don't feel achy or tired at all. I inspect my arms. No blood anywhere. I stand in front of my mirror. There are no bags under my eyes, my skin looks healthy. I sigh with relief. I'm back to normal. I can see James and <em>not<em> be self-conscious. I don't feel even the slightest bit of panic or unstableness as I walk to my bathroom. I hum Queen to myself, _oooh you make me live… _it seems vaguely appropriate.

I have a shower deciding to make the most of my normal state. I then go downstairs. It's strange because the mansion is deadly quiet. I walk down to the kitchen. Mr Potter almost has a heart attack when he sees me.

"All right kiddo?" he asks, recovering quickly.

"Yep. I think I've perfected Occlumency."

"That's great. Do you want some toast?"

"Sure."

We make pleasant conversation until he sighs, stressed.

"You know you can't go and join them," he says, meaning my friends.

"Why not?" I demand.

"You're deemed mentally unstable."

I roll my eyes. "Do I _look_ mentally unstable?"

"Well no –"

"Do I act like I'm mentally unstable?"

"No but –"

"Have I done anything which could be regarded as something a mentally unstable person would do?"

"No, but –"

"Am I mentally unstable?"

"No but –"

"So what's the problem?"

"The problem is that after the _episode_," I redden at that, "Professor Dumbledore doesn't think it to be wise to let you take part in the Order yet. After your experience with Dark Magic used for torture and your history with the Slytherin blood racists –"

I suspire, infuriated.

"Firstly, that _episode_ was caused by a Vereor and has nothing to do with my mental condition. And don't you think my experience of Dark Magic is an advantage? I know how serious the stuff is and how to block it. And thirdly, the Slytherin 'blood racists' –"

"What do you mean, Slytherin 'blood racists'?" he mimes my emphasis on the quote with his hands.

"Well, I wouldn't call them 'blood racists'."

"What would you call them then?"

"Forgive the language, but I would call them ignorant pricks," I say matter-of-factly and he looks a little taken aback before grinning wildly. The grin looks so much like James'. I miss James so much.

"I see," he chuckles, "what were you saying about the ignorant pricks?"

"I was saying that those ignorant pricks," I smile at him, "do not in any way prevent me from doing anything. I couldn't care less about them. Yes, I'd like to get them back for making my life hell but… live and let live, I suppose."

"I'm confused, so you're not going to fight them?"

"I didn't say that! Of course I'm going to completely thrash them and do anything I can to help us win this war. What I am saying is that I don't _hate_ them."

"You have every right to hate them."

"Perhaps," I purse my lips, "but why waste my time hating ignorant pricks when I could be hexing them?"

"Fair enough," Mr Potter concedes, "I'll see what I can do."

"There's no need," a mellow and calm voice says. My heart leaps with recognition. Professor Dumbledore. "I suspected that Miss Evans would come to this conclusion and I've provided a port key to ensure safe travel. As you know, the war has already started, well it's been brewing since the 40s but now it's a full-scale massacre."

"Professor, are we expected to go back to Hogwarts whilst the war is raging?" I ask.

"Of course, it's nothing we can't handle. Besides, you must finish your education and get all the knowledge you can."

I don't bother to argue with Professor Dumbledore, he's rarely wrong. I can't help feeling a little disgruntled. I _want_ to fight right away, fight the Death Eaters and this so-called Dark Lord. But all my frustrations evaporate as the love of my life pokes his head around the door.

"All right Evans?" he says by way of greeting, looking sheepish.

I run up to him and fling my arms around him. I kiss him hard on the lips.

"I've missed you so much," I say, hugging him tight.

"And I've missed you. Come on, we've got to get your school supplies."

"Oh yeah…" I'd completely forgotten about that.

I smile at him and suddenly everything's alright even though it isn't.


	27. Kissing and Interruptions

**A/N:**** Happy New Year everybody! I hope you have a fantastic new year full of awesome. Anyway, I do not own the Harry Potter World. All credit goes to the fabulous J K Rowling. I make no profit from this story, no copyright infringement intended, etc.**

**In answer to your question, Guest, the Marriage Law will take place SOON. Please read this chapter and you'll understand what I mean. It's radical.**

**There will be some Jily action in this chapter. Skip if you want, it's not graphic, if that's what you're worried about though. I'll put a warning up when it approaches.**

**Please review if you have a couple of seconds to spare.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>JAMES' P.O.V<p>

DIAGON ALLEY

* * *

><p>The port key takes us to the Leaky Cauldron. We walk through the near-empty bar. This war makes people afraid to go out but for the most part, the Wizarding World is ready to attack. They're getting restless. I can't blame them; I'm getting impatient as well. Damn Dumbledore saying we need to go back to school.<p>

"What are you thinking?" I ask her. Lily has that I'm-thinking-about-something-serious-but-I'll-hex-you-if-you-try-and-get-it-out-of-me look.

"Nothing," she says.

"Hmm," I narrow my eyes at her. I can always tell when she's lying.

We get to the brick wall and I tap on the bricks with my wand. Then, we're in Diagon Alley. I reach for her hand, she looks surprised but the minute my skin touches hers' I feel sparks flying up my arm. Merlin, I missed her so much.

"What were you doing with the Order?" she asks. I frown at the memory.

"Not a lot. Dumbledore had us go through some stuff. You know, casualty statistics, defence ideas for protecting the Ministry, rallying up supporters. Luckily some of the giants are on our side. Unfortunately, we simply won't have much of a Wizarding population after this war is over. The statistics prove that if we carry on fighting at this rate – which we have to otherwise we'll be overwhelmed with Death Eaters- then by the end of the war, we'll have lost up to 90% of our population."

"That's terrible! How do you know when the war's going to end?"

"We don't, but Dumbledore estimates about 1980 something."

"Jesus Christ," she murmurs.

"I know."

"What are we going to do? If we're all going to die out… this is awful!"

"Ah. That's where there's been some… dispute. There's a lot of ethics and legal precautions being taken to make sure the Ministry makes the right decision. They're all turning to Dumbledore, obviously but the Minister was pretty clear about what he wants. Dumbledore wouldn't tell us what exactly they're planning but he doesn't like it."

"What do you think they're planning?"

"I don't know. Something radical, probably." **(I told you so)**

Lily looks away. I can see something in her eyes, something that wasn't there before. It's like she's aged inside, suddenly become so much wiser. She doesn't _look_ older. No, she still looks as young and beautiful as I remember. Even more beautiful, if that's possible. But there's something else, not just the wisdom but something darker. Pain, perhaps? What happened to her after the funeral?

"James?" he voice brings me back to Earth.

"Yes?"

"You're staring at me."

"Yeah," I say stupidly.

"_Why_ are you staring at me?"

"Because you're beautiful." (**I'm sorry, I couldn't resist!)**

She blushes and I love her all over again. Then Lily stops and stares at a shop window. I peer over to where she's looking. It's not a shop window after all, it's a local café. Lily and I both stare at the couple sitting in the corner. Narcissa Black and Snivellus Snot. Lily doesn't seem able to look away. Eventually, I have to get her arm and drag her from the window.

"Get off me," she says. Her harsh tone takes me by surprise, she hasn't talked to me like that in ages. I release her arm.

She walks away from me, very quickly. I practically have to run after her. She stops outside a deserted shop and sits on a crooked bench. I sit next to her. She promptly bursts into tears. I put my arm around her and she turns into me, crying into my shoulder. I don't understand. Why is she crying?

"I-I'm so s-sorry James," she weeps into my shirt.

"What for?"

"Crying," she says, "I promised myself I wouldn't."

"How can you promise not to cry?"

"No," she says, "I promised myself I wouldn't waste any more time on caring about ignorant pricks."

"I'm lost. What do you mean?"

"Do you remember when I was in the Hospital Wing and I was bleeding uncontrollably?"

"Yes," how could I forget? That was one of the most petrifying moments of my life.

"Yeah well, for weeks before that and that particular night, the Slytherin Blood Racists whom I call ignorant pricks, were torturing me. Using the Cruciatus Curse and some of Severus' own spells."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want to. I thought you'd do something irrational and I don't like talking about it," I channel all my willpower into staying calm, "and then after the funeral… I just wasn't handling it at all well. My parents' death, my sister pushing me away, then there was this Vereor –"

"A what?"

"A Vereor, it inhabits the brain of someone who is in a state of emotional despair. Anyway, so this Vereor brought all my nightmares to life and then you were gone –" her voice cracks, "you were gone and I felt like I had to face everything on my own. I'd scream and scream for you but you never came. I did have your parents to look after me and I'm grateful for that. It's just not the same. Honestly, I felt like I was at the end."

I hold her tight. "I had no idea."

"No, I don't suppose you did," she says quietly, "why did you leave?"

"I had no choice, Dumbledore –"

"There's always a choice."

"Not always."

"Yes, there is."

"What, like letting those Slytherins hurt you day after day?"

"That's different."

"Is it?"

"Yes! It's not a matter of _letting_, it's a matter of defence and precaution. What else could I do?"

"Oh, I don't know. Tell me?"

"Why would I do that?"

"Because I could have helped you! I thought you trusted me."

"I _do_ trust you. It's just, I knew you'd over react."

"OVER REACT? What's the right way to react to the news that the love of your life was being tortured?"

"I don't know. Besides, if you're so passionate about us then why did you leave me when I needed you most?"

"I didn't have a choice! For Merlin's sake. I wouldn't actively leave you, Lily. I left the minute I could."

"You didn't contact me at all. Not a single owl, not a single message."

"Dumbledore forbade any communication in case it got intercepted by Death Eaters."

"You didn't tell me you were going."

"I didn't _know_, Lily."

She exhales, realising she has nothing else to be angry about. Well, to be reasonably angry about.

"What about you and Snivellus. You seemed pretty upset about him and Narcissa being together," I try to disguise my own jealousy at the fact that she still cares for Snivellus.

"I'm not jealous, if that's what you mean. It just reminded me of _that night_."

"So you don't fancy Snivellus?" I ask, relieved.

"No! I never did."

"But he fancies you."

"You know what's funny? Severus and I had this exact conversation but about _you_ back when we were still friends. I said I didn't fancy you then and I don't fancy you now."

"Really?" my heart stops beating.

"No, I love you James Potter," oh thank Merlin, I thought she was going to say she hated me again.

"And Snivellus?"

"Snivellus who?"

She leans in and we kiss, for quite a long time. Just her _being_ there makes me slightly giddy and now after I've waited _days_ to see her… there isn't a way to describe this level of happiness. It's ineffable.

* * *

><p>LILY'S P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>I'm still furious with James for leaving but it's impossible to stay angry at him. I can't help but kiss him back. I love him so much there's not enough room for anything else. I break away before we get too far.<p>

"Not here," I breathe against him.

"When we get home," he promises. _We_ get home. I like that we share a home.

"Do you want to go to Flourish and Blotts first?"

"Yeah sure."

* * *

><p>LILY'S P.O.V<p>

THE POTTER MANSION

* * *

><p><strong>(WARNING: JILY ACTION COMMENCING. NOT GRAPHIC. DOESN'T GO 'ALL THE WAY'.)<strong>

The minute we step into my bedroom, James kisses me really hard on the lips. It's a full on kiss –like a snog, I guess- but it feels so much more intimate than a casual snog. My shirt comes off and this time I don't care that he can see my scars. His shirt comes off too. I feel myself redden as he stares. Why does he still make me nervous and excited all at once?

"I didn't know they were this bad," he mumbles, still staring at the scars.

"Is that a problem?" I find myself frustrated.

"Of course not, you're still beautiful," he kisses my neck; right above the scar I received in Second Year from Rodolphus Lestrange. I shudder but it's not from the cold.

Our bodies press together again and my arms go around his back, my hands roaming around his skin. His hands reciprocate and I push into him so we're closer. His kisses trail down my neck and onto my collarbone. I kiss him all over his chest. He moans a little. I don't know how, but his trousers somehow managed to come off. His hands move to undo my own jeans. I let him, even encouraging him.

Now I'm only dressed in bra and pants, he only has pants on. Good Lord, he's gorgeous. James pushes me against the wall and my legs come up to wrap around his waist. I feel an aching need between my legs. His hands run up and down my legs, sending shudders and bolts of electricity through my body.

I bite back a moan, it seems embarrassing to make noises like that but I can't help it. He puts his right hand between me and the wall and undoes my bra. My bra falls to the floor and he doesn't attempt to disguise staring at my chest. His hands move over them and I gasp. Then there's a knock on the door. I almost growl, _almost_.

**(JILY ACTION OVER)**

James groans and puts me down, I instantly miss his touch. "Who is it?"

"PADFOOT! Your mother says you need to get right down here and help her de-gnome the garden or else," Sirius yells.

"Or else what?"

"I don't know, Prongs but I for one don't wanna find out."

James sighs. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. We can continue this later."

"Whoa, Prongs. Is Evans in there with you?"

"None of your business!" I shout at the door.

Sirius laughs before going back down the stairs saying something about miracles. I kiss James once more on the lips before going into my bathroom. I _really_ need a shower. I need to sort out my 'problem', I suppose you would call it. I strip down so that I'm naked. I then look into the mirror, trying to see what other people see when the look at my body. Imaging how James sees me sends quivers of excitement and anticipation through me.

* * *

><p>JAMES' P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>I'm going to bloody kill Padfoot. I trudge down the stairs. Padfoot spots me from the bottom of the stairs.<p>

"All right, Prongs?"

"I _was_ until you interrupted," I scowl at him.

"I didn't know you and Evans were getting down and dirty!"

"We _weren't_ getting 'down and dirty'. That's something only you and Lightwood do."

"Actually," Marlene comes out of the kitchen, "it's McKinnon now."

"What? Are you married?" I ask her.

"Of course not! It's just all the Pureblood Racists and Death Eaters are calling my family Blood Traitors targeting us. So we've put our identity under the Fidelius Charm. So we're now the McKinnon family."

"Can you even use the Fidelius Charm to protect your identity?"

"Apparently so. Don't ask me how though."

"Who's secret keeper?"

"'can't tell you that," Marlene says winking.

Lily comes down the stairs, wearing a fresh white blouse and blue trousers. She's redone her hair. She's so stunning it's actually painful to look at her without kissing her.

"You look happy," Marlene says, her eyebrows raised at Lily.

"I am," she looks in my direction and smiles before walking off with Marlene.

"What did you do to her Prongs? If you didn't shag –"

"You're disgusting Padfoot."

"Don't I know it. Where's Moony?"

"Still in Diagon Alley I think."

"He did mention something about the moon and the war and something about werewolves. I don't know. I don't listen to half of what he says."

"Very helpful, Padfoot," I say sarcastically, "and Wormtail?"

"Probably running back and forth between people because there are too many conversations for his brain cells to process."

I laugh at that one. Unfortunately, I didn't see Wormtail lurking behind the stairs, listening to every word.

**A/N:**** I know you've heard a lot from me today (sorry), but one last note. Next chapter is Seventh Year, I promise. So stick with me!**


	28. An Introduction to the Marriage Law

**A/N:**** Hello! This is Seventh year. Marriage Law. Last year at Hogwarts. I'm really excited. As you know, I'm not J K Rowling thus I do not own the Harry Potter franchise and no copyright infringement is intended. This is written purely for my own (and yours?) entertainment.**

**I know this chapter is seriously short but I need to keep up the pace. I've got a massive list with dates and everything saying what needs to happen when. I've done quite a lot of research for this story but it won't all be cannon. **

**I'm sorry this note is so long. Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>LILY'S P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>I'm going back to Hogwarts for the very last time <strong>(see what I did there, fellow Starkid fans?)<strong> but this time as Head Girl. James finally told me about this Epiphany of the Soul, he's convinced we're soul mates. As if. Soul mates do not exist. I told him that and he just smirked at me and said 'we'll see'. I think he's trying to prove it to me throughout the school year or something. I wish him luck.

James is the Head Boy. It was mightily awkward when he got his letter because everyone was looking expectantly at Remus. So when James turned out to be Head Boy, everyone was really surprised and kind of disappointed. I wasn't. I mean, Remus would have been the obvious choice looking at his sensibility and intelligence but James outshined him in the intelligence department and he's actually quite sensible. That doesn't mean they all are, though. Wormtail (Jesus, I've started using the Marauder's nicknames now) is still as hilariously childish and immature as ever and Padfoot (what can I say? They've rubbed off on me) is no less of a troublemaker than he was seven years ago.

Marlene is very happy with Padfoot and it's amazing to see her so upbeat and cheerful. Alice and Remus have been getting rather close, which is adorably sweet. Remus and I are still best friends, I don't know what I'd do without him. As for James… I love him more than I've ever loved anything. He's the love of my life and he makes me complete. That sounds cheesy but it's true.

I've managed to persuade James to meet Tuney and Vernon (ugh) for dinner in the Christmas Holidays before they get married. James was kind of intrigued by my Muggle sister and her fiancé. Heaven knows why, together they're the most unpleasant company I have ever had the misfortune to encounter. I keep trying though. Petunia is my sister and I love her, despite her nuptial choices in Vernon. I still can't get my head around that – Petunia and _Vernon_. She's way better than that pompous overweight weasel.

Besides, she needs my help with the wedding now that mum and dad are dead. _Deep breath_. I'm recovering from shock and being mentally unstable according to St. Mungo's. I'm still angry that Dumbledore felt the need to get me looked at by healers. I'm fine. It was a Vereor. Why can't people just let it go?

* * *

><p>JAMES' P.O.V<p>

SORTING CEREMONY – DUMBLEDORE'S SPEECH

* * *

><p>"…would like you to welcome Minister for Magic, Mr Valcon."<p>

There's a polite applause. The Minister steps up to the podium and clears his throat.

"As I'm sure you know, this war is at its height. People are dying faster than we can recruit them. Not to mention that the unity of the Wizarding World is crumbling. After a lot of deliberation, the Wizengamot and I have decreed that a Marriage Law be put into place –"

The whole hall shouts and yells in indignation. I join in shouting about freedom and pride. You can feel the angry buzz in the air, even the Slytherins are joining in the protest.

"SILENCE!" Dumbledore's voice rings throughout the hall and not a single person defies the order.

"Thank you, Professor Dumbledore," the Minister bows his head in Dumbledore's direction, "I know this law will be seen as intrusive and extreme however, the Wizengamot has searched for an alternative and there is none. The Marriage Law will not only bring people closer through marriage but ensure that more children are born. We cannot allow the Wizarding population to suffer and for our race to die out –"

"You're raising pigs for slaughter!" Lily shouts from our table. This is followed by a chorus of agreement.

"The Death Eaters wouldn't dare harm children with Magical Blood –"

"You're wrong! They'd kill anyone on the Light Side," Marlene pipes up on our table.

"The Wizengamot have decided that this is the best way to go. All children born from the Marriage Law will be protected by the Ministry –"

"The Ministry is crumbling! The Dark Side is infiltrating it! You can't even protect yourselves!" a Ravenclaw screams at the Minister.

"We can. The Ministry is strong and cannot be defeated. It is the force behind equality and goodness. We are very much in control of the situation!"

"No you're not!"

"SILENCE!" the Minister cries over the hall, "as I was saying, the law will only affect those of age and above - from seventeen to fifty. Ages will be matched as well so you will be paired with someone of similar age. If however, the person whom you are paired with is under the required age, you will have to wait until _after_ your graduation to become married. So of course the law will primarily affect those in sixth and seventh year. The law will not affect the Slytherin House –"

"That's not fair!"

"It will not affect the Slytherin House as they are believed to be conspiring against the Light Side with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. To ensure security, the Slytherins will be mostly isolated from the rest of the school. No lessons will be shared with them, nor will they interact with students from other houses –"

"You can't automatically assume every Slytherin is a Death Eater!" Lily says and she looks very determined.

"This is for security and safety, little girl. I don't expect you would understand," he frowns disapprovingly in her direction. I scowl at him, how dare he say that to Lily. "You will be paired using the Anima Charm. It will find your best suited mate. You will be expected, unless one of you is not of age, to marry and conceive a child within five years of becoming married. If one of you is infertile, potions can be taken. The Anima Charm will be performed shortly before Christmas. Enjoy your evening."

* * *

><p>"I can't believe it! This is utterly ridiculous. They can't expect people to get married at <em>seventeen<em>."

Lily's been ranting in the Head Girl and Boy's common room for about half an hour. I've been listening intently but mostly admiring how attractive she is when she's irritated.

"What if we're not paired together," she says suddenly.

"We will be," I reassure her, "we're soul mates."

"Not that again! There's no such thing as soul mates!"

"There is," I smile, it's cool knowing something she doesn't, "the Epiphany of the Soul –"

"I don't care about the Epiphany! I don't need the Epiphany of the Soul as proof that I love you. Soul mates cant be real, it's like your whole life is planned around one person and you can't ever do this or that. It's oppressive... I'm too tired to go through this again," she sighs, sitting down next to me.

"I'm going to convince you we're soul mates by Christmas."

"Impossible."

"How much are you betting?"

"Nothing."

"Aw come on, play along."

"Fine. If you're right, then I will let you name our child."

"You're on. I'm thinking Pickety Johnson Potter."

"Pickety? You made that up."

"I did," I admit.

"It should be illegal to name your child Pickety Johnson Potter."

"You said I could choose!"

"I said you could choose if you were _right_."

"And I know I'm right, so Pickety Johnson Potter it is."

"Don't you dare," she says.

"What? Should we name them after the Giant Squid you love so very much? Squirty Squid Pickety Johnson Potter."

"You're ridiculous," she says, laughing anyway.

I love making Lily laugh.

"If you're not careful, I'll divorce you and run off with the Giant Squid," she jokes.

"You'd run off with our _child_?"

"Of course not! That's revolting, James. I'm talking about the mega hot squid in the lake which I would rather go out with."

"You wouldn't do that."

"No you're right, I wouldn't."

She leans over and kisses me.

"I love you, you know," she says.

"I do know and I'm lucky."

She smiles and we snuggle up together on the sofa by the fire. What could be better?

* * *

><p>SEVERUS' P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p><em>This law does not affect those in the Slytherin House…<em>

Great. Now the entire world thinks all Slytherins are evil. I should be happy that the Marriage Law does not affect me but what about Lily? What if she gets paired with Potter? I've heard a few rumours speculating that Lily and Potter are dating. She wouldn't, would she? Not that it matters.

I can't help being pleased that Lily stood up for the Slytherins.

"_You can't automatically assume every Slytherin is a Death Eater!"_

The thing is, you can. Virtually everyone is a Death Eater in Slytherin with the exception of Mudbloods who normally get assaulted and murdered and people who are under age. But they're all planning to get the Mark and become Death Eaters later so you could count them as part of the Dark Side as well. The Dark Lord isn't picky. If you're talented or easily manipulated, he'll recruit you. Or at least try. Nobody ever says no. He always has something to offer you. For me it was my father's death, for Narcissa it was her family's safety. Those who have said no aren't alive anymore. You'd have to be either a lunatic or really gifted with magic or both to survive defying him.

What scares me most of all is that his attention has turned to Lily. It's quite evident that Lily is one of the most talented magical people since Merlin. The Dark Lord is willing to overstep the fact that she's a Muggle-Born. I know what she's going to say and I'm scared for her life. What scares me more is what he will offer her.

This is why I must rise up the ranks fast so I can try and get the Dark Lord to spare her life. If only I had something I could offer him. Something he needs but cannot get by using magic. Then, I could stand a chance at protecting her.


	29. There's No Such Thing as Soul Mates!

**A/N:**** Hello! I'm finally updating! I do not own the Harry Potter universe, all credit to J K Rowling. Thank you for reading and reviewing and following and favourite-ing!**

**I will try and upload more but... school takes up a lot of my time and then I read a lot and I'm trying harder with my social life. Where's the time?**

**Another disclaimer: a lot of this chapter I sourced from Harry Potter Wiki - so one, this is true in the HP universe and two, I cannot take credit for anything to do with Patronuses.**

**Enjoy!**

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><p>LILY'S P.O.V<p>

DEFENCE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS

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><p>"Today we're going to practice Patronuses. The Patronus Charm is a very useful but very difficult piece of Defensive Magic. Who knows what they can do?"<p>

I raise my hand.

"Miss Evans?"

"The Patronus Charm conjures a spirit guardian which can ward off Dementors and Lethifolds to which there is no other protection. They can also send messages and guide people."

"Well done Miss Evans. I do not expect anyone in this room to be able to produce a Patronus as not only is it an extremely difficult and advanced piece of magic, it can be very dangerous if it goes wrong. I have taken exemplary precautions to stop the worst happening but it is down to you to not do anything stupid. Does anybody know what Miranda Goshawk said about the Patronus Charm?"

Nobody puts up their hand.

"Miranda Goshawk said," he flicks his wand at the blackboard.

It reads: _This ancient and mysterious charm conjures a magical guardian, a projection of all your most positive feelings. The Patronus Charm is difficult, and many witches and wizards are unable to produce a full, corporeal Patronus, a guardian which generally takes the shape of the animal with whom they share the deepest affinity. You may suspect, but you will never truly know what form your Patronus will take until you succeed in conjuring it._

"To cast the spell, you say _Expecto Patronum _and think of the moment where you felt the happiest.. This is the hand movement," Professor Jenks moves his wrist in a circle-like shape.

"Professor, if this magic is really hard and dangerous, why are we learning it?" Dorcas asks.

"What? Scared you're not powerful enough," Padfoot goads her in a rancorous way.

"Mr Black," Professor Jenks warns, "to answer your question Miss Meadowes, we're learning the Patronus Charm because it will invaluable to you. Especially in the war."

"What's a corporeal Patronus?" Alice asks.

"A corporeal Patronus is one which takes the form of an animal whereas an incorporeal Patronus is one which does not resemble an animal or any living creature, for that matter. An incorporeal Patronus has very few distinguishable features, if there are any. So an incorporeal Patronus may resemble a burst of silver vapour or smoke from the tip of your wand –"

Sirius and a few other immature gits start snickering into their hands. Jesus. They find something dirty in everything.

"Would you kindly inform me what is so funny?"

"Well, you said an incorporeal Patronus may resemble a _burst of silver vapour or smoke_ from the _tip of your wand_," Sirius stresses out the words 'bursts', 'silver' and 'wand'.

The whole class erupts with rapturous laughter. The whole lot of them are sickening.

"Mr Black might I remind you that you are on your final warning," Professor Jenks narrows his eyes at Sirius. "Anyway, an incorporeal Patronus, whilst still a form of the Patronus Charm, is regarded as a weaker version of the true charm but even producing an incorporeal Patronus is admirable magic."

"Lily said that you could use them for communication. Wouldn't the Dark Side be able to intercept the messages?" Frank Longbottom asks.

"No, Professor Dumbledore first decided to use Patronuses for communication as they can identify the castor and receiver and are 'dark proof'. Very secure. Using them for communication however, is exclusive to certain _members_."

"What do you mean, Professor?" Frank frowns.

"Don't let it bother you, Mr Longbottom. I'm sure Professor Dumbledore has talked to most of you about joining."

The class looks at him, mystified. I know what he's on about though, it's obvious. The Order of the Phoenix. It's only the Order that uses Patronuses for communication, hence why I know that's one of the uses. Still, talking about the Order is dangerous. Especially in a classroom.

"I thought only wizards and witches with completely pure hearts could cast a Patronus Charm," Melanie Clearwater says. God I hate her.

I almost laugh at her, as _if_. Almost anyone can cast a Patronus.

"Miss Clearwater that is simply hearsay, so long as you are not a Dark Wizard or Witch it should work. Although Dark Wizards cannot use the Patronus as it is as I said, 'dark proof', the Dark Side has no need for Patronuses, not when they have those creatures working for them."

We all unanimously shudder at the mention of Dark Side creatures.

"I will show you the Patronus Charm," Professor Jenks takes a step back. "Expecto Patronum!"

A kingfisher made of white smoke which illuminates the room shoots from Professor Jenks' wand and soars around the classroom. Professor Jenks points his wand at the kingfisher and it disappears into a wispy silver residue.

"Now, who wants to try and cast a Patronus?" Professor Jenks beams as everyone leans forward eagerly. "We have to be careful, though. If you do manage to cast a fully-fledged corporeal Patronus, they can be quite strong. It takes a great deal of power and concentration to contain and control them. Do not be misled, they can knock things over and send people flying if you so wish. Get into pairs, if you please."

James turns to me and smirks. What's he so pleased about? He leans forward.

"You know they have this theory that your Animagus and Patronus forms are the same. Have you seen Professor McGonagall's? Her Animagus form is a cat and her Patronus is a cat as well. I saw it when I went to the Order in the summer."

"So you think yours' is a stag?" I ask him.

"Yes. How did you…?"

"I saw you and the Marauders once outside the Whomping Willow," I look down at the floor.

"Remus –"

"Yeah I know, I saw."

"Ah. I'll bet Padfoot's is a dog."

"I'm not betting with you."

"Quite right," he winks, "cause I never lose a bet."

I roll my eyes. "Always so cocky."

"You love it really."

"Keep telling yourself that."

"I do, it's part of the reason I'm not quaking in your presence. I know you're just as in awe of my looks as I am."

"Why would you 'quake in my presence'?"

"You're terrifying. Nothing's scarier than a redhead who looks at you like she's going to vaporise you every time you try and flirt with her."

"Flirt?"

"Yes, sweetheart, it's what we're doing now."

"I hadn't noticed," my tone drips with sarcasm, "and don't call me sweetheart!"

James smiles and tucks a piece of my hair behind my ear. My cheeks turn pink.

"Right," I say, recovering from my stunned state of mind, "shall we try this charm or not?"

"You first."

"No, you."

"You go first."

"_You_ go first."

"I can't go first, ladies always go first."

"And I'm saying you have to go first."

"Fine, at the same time. Ready? Wait! Have you got your happy memory?"

I think back over the years. Then it hits me. When James and I kissed in the woods for the first time since the bet which I don't think counts because we kind of had to. Even just remembering how I felt then gives me a warm tingle. The first time James and I kissed _properly_ and I came away practically trembling. I felt like something was beginning and a new life arising.

"Yeah, you?"

"Yep. Ready? 1,2,3! "

Then we both shout Expecto Patronum. At first, I think nothing's going to happen and then white smoky vapour shoots from my wand to form a solid-looking yet gas-like doe. A feeling of confidence and happiness overwhelms me. I look over at James; his is a stag, like he thought. His stag chases after my doe, the two of them leaving silvery trails of light as they run around crossing each other's paths and jumping around the classroom. I have to flick my wand to stop my doe tripping over Melanie Clearwater (much as I would have liked it). I _did_ it! I cast a corporeal Patronus Charm. One of the most advanced pieces of magic in the world.

Professor Jenks comes over, looking stunned and in awe.

"Well done Miss Evans and Mr Potter! That was simply incredible. You know they say that soul mates' Patronuses match? Quite interesting, the power love has to play on magical ability. It is often believed in the Wizarding community that being in love or having a soul mate gives your magic an unusual and powerful flair. I'm very impressed! Oh, Mr Black! Please control your Patronus or put it away!"

"We're not…" I begin, but Professor Jenks goes to scold Sirius.

"I told you so," James says in a sing-song voice.

"_Tsh_, he said 'they say', that doesn't mean it's true!"

"We'll see, my darling Lily-flower. It's not a coincidence, you know. An Epiphany of the Soul, our Patronuses… we're soul mates."

"It's just a stroke of luck on your part. It's a fluke. I'll bet loads of people have matching Patronuses that aren't romantically involved."

"So we're romantically involved?" he says, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Ugh, shut up."

"And what do you mean _loads of people_? You mean like Marlene and Padfoot?"

I look over to where Sirius and Marlene are. Indeed, Mar's Patronus is a female dog – a bitch if you will.

"Another coincidence," I say simply but I'm not so sure.

"What's it going to take to convince you?"

"Proper evidence."

"There is no proper evidence to prove love of the highest degree!"

"Then I guess I'll be naming our child, then."

"You're impossibly stubborn and difficult, you know?"

"I do know, but you love me anyway."

"You're manipulative, too."

"Oh that's rich!"

"And what are you implying?"

"I'm _implying_ that you are a manipulative twit."

"When have _I_ ever been manipulative?"

"Let's see, you manipulated Slughorn to let you stay at his party, you blackmailed Peeves, you picked on the first years and made them lie about what had really happened, you pick on poor Wormtail and make him do stuff for you and there was that time –"

"Okay! You've made your point!"

I smile in triumph.

"This isn't over, I will prove you wrong. Soul mates do exist!"

"In don't believe you."

"You're such a Muggle sometimes, Lily."

"And what does that mean?"

"You underestimate the power of love."

"You sound like Professor Dumbledore."

"Yeah well, Dumbledore's right sometimes, you know."

"Maybe, he said that love will give me the strength when I need it most."

"What did he mean?"

I shrug. "I don't know."

* * *

><p>JAMES' P.O.V<p>

POTIONS – PROFESSOR SLUGHORN

* * *

><p>I can't believe she doesn't believe in soul mates. Furthermore, how can one not accept the obvious evidence put in front of one's self? Come on! Her Patronus is a doe, mine is a stag. Professor Jenks <em>said<em> that soul mates have complementary Patronuses. What more does she want?

"…and this potion is Amortentia. Does anybody know what it does? Miss Evans perhaps?"

I roll my eyes, Lily is Slughorn's favourite student.

"Amortentia is the most powerful love potion in the world. It causes an infatuation and obsession in the drinker. When drunk it can make the drinker excited or precariously unstable. It has a mother-of-pearl sheen, spiralling steam and it's smell composes of different things to every person. For example, I smell old books, mint leaves, freshly baked cakes, rosemary and er…" she blushes heavily.

I hold back a laugh. Lily doesn't like being laughed at in front of people and I do not want to get on her bad side. I wonder what the last thing she smelt was but I can have a pretty good guess.

"Well done, Miss Evans! Ten points to Gryffindor. One should never drink Amortentia alone, the effects are instantaneous and as Miss Evans said, will make you excited and dangerously unstable. Not only would this be very embarrassing for you, but could potentially cause harm to yourself or others. If you so desire, you may smell the potion and write down what you smell but our main focus is the use of these potions for Defence purposes. Some of these potions could save your life or at least buy you some time so I implore you to listen carefully."

One by one, we all go up and smell the cauldron. I inhale. I can smell a sea breeze, fresh linen, sandalwood, bonfires and cinnamon and vanilla. Cinnamon and vanilla are Lily's scent. I smell them every time I smell her hair or have my nose anywhere near her. The smell always makes me calm but at the same time, a little excited and nervous.

"…obviously the best way to stay alive is to avoid near-death situations," Slughorn chuckles, "but should you ever encounter a time when you need to stay alive, a bezoar should cure more common poisons but the Extra Strength Potion QWC will give you a boost of extra strength. Whilst we're on healing potions –"

"Sir, what is the Elixir of Life?"

"Oh. Well the Elixir of Life grants the drinker extended life if taken regularly. It must be made using the Philosopher's Stone but the stone itself is with its creator, Nicolas Flamel. If the drinker becomes reliant on the potion and does not take the potion when its effects wear off, then they will die."

"So it will make you live forever?"

Slughorn chuckles. "It is never wise to have your very existence reliant on taking a potion."

I nudge Lily.

"What was the last thing you smelt?" I ask her. Colour rises to her cheeks.

"Just shut up and listen to Professor Slughorn."

"I'll tell you what I smelt."

She still has her eyes on Professor Slughorn and I can see her brain absorbing all the knowledge he's sprouting out but I can see part of her attention focused on me.

"Oh yeah? What did you smell?"

"A sea breeze, fresh linen, sandalwood, bonfires and cinnamon and vanilla."

She goes even redder at the mention of cinnamon and vanilla.

"I'm trying to concentrate," she hisses.

"Come on, I told you mine."

"Fine, old books, mint leaves, freshly baked cakes, rosemary and you."

"You know what I'm going to say, soul mate."

"So? You smell what attracts you not your soul mate with whom you are supposedly bound to."

"Do you admit you're attracted to me?"

"You already know that."

"You didn't answer the question!"

"It wasn't a question. It was a yes or no answer and the answer is yes."

"Seriously, what do I have to do to prove that soul mates are real?"

"Just shut up and listen to Professor Slughorn."

"You've already said that."

"Yeah and you didn't listen."

"I did listen, I just didn't do it."

"Don't you care at all? This lesson could save our lives!"

"Of course I care but already know all this stuff."

She mutters something about my arrogance before blocking me out completely and giving Slughorn her undivided attention. Merlin, I'll prove that we're soul mates if it's the very last thing I do.


	30. The Anima Charm

**A/N:**** First things first, Anon who said they found it "truly unbelievable that James, Lily and Sirius could all produce a full Patronus on their first time trying it." **

**In my defence, I say: Marlene could also produce a corporeal Patronus (you missed that out) and also that the happier the memory, the more talented the witch/wizard, the older they are (more experience) the more chance they have of doing it right first time. Not to mention the difference being soul mates and having a great amount of love in your life makes to the power of your magic. Not to say that Harry Potter not being able to do it first time shows that he is a weak wizard, because he is a powerful wizard, but everyone is different. So surely some people will pick it up easily and others won't ever be able to? **

**In retrospect, it is unlikely and a little unbelievable. You do have to be careful when writing for a mythical universe that you make the unbelievable as plausible as possible. This is my first Fanfiction story so I will make mistakes and that was one of them but I will get better. I appreciate you taking the time to review. So thank you.**

**Obviously, I do not own the Harry Potter universe, all credit to J K Rowling.**

**Sorry this is so long. Enjoy! **

**Oh and there is some Jily action in this chapter - again nothing overly graphic. I will warn you when it occurs. **

**By the way, I put in these warnings for my younger sister. She's not much younger than me, she just doesn't particularly enjoy reading what I refer to as 'Jily action'.**

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><p>LILY'S P.O.V<p>

THE ANIMA CHARM

THREE DAYS BEFORE THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS

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><p>"No seriously though! I'm really worried about who I'll be paired with," Alice says.<p>

"Whom. With _whom_ I will be paired with," I correct her.

"Help me! It's the grammar police!" Alice says. I roll my eyes.

"It's not my fault you can't speak properly."

"Anyway," Alice glares at me mock-angrily, "with _whom_ do you think I'll be paired with?"

"I don't know, Alice," Mar says, "the Anima Charm is quite sexist and traditional as it pairs people up using blood status, wealth and intelligence. I've been reading –"

"You? _Reading_?" Alice's eyes pop out at Mar.

"What are you trying to say?" Mar demands.

"Nothing, nothing," Alice mutters.

"Anyway, I've been reading up on Mr Valcon and he's _seriously_ sexist. His Marriage Law states that the man owns the woman and everything the woman owns. We have no rights whatsoever."

"So if the guy domestically abuses you, you can't do anything about it?" I ask, shocked.

"No! If the guy you're married to doesn't like something you do, he technically has the _right_ to abuse you."

"That's awful. What about same-sex marriages? I've heard a few rumours about it. Seeing as it's legal to be gay as of '67."

"The law is designed to increase the population. Sadly, same-sex couples can't reproduce so the law excludes the idea of sexuality."

"So if you're homosexual you're stuck in a heterosexual marriage?" Alice asks in complete consternation.

"Yeah," Mar sighs, "besides, Hogwarts is in Scotland and in Scotland it's still illegal to be gay." **(It becomes legal to be gay in Scotland in the year 1981 – a very important year in Wizarding history and for all LGB people and general society. Go equality!)**

"Life's a load of shit," Alice laments.

"Chin up, it could be worse. I don't know how, but it could be," I say. **(That's a quote from Winnie the Pooh, by the way. I can't take credit.)**

"Still. We have a sexist Minister and we're in the depths of a war and we're still not allowed to fight."

"I agree with you there," I say, "I'm getting fidgety sitting in school when I could be hexing Death Eaters."

"Do you think you'd ever kill a Death Eater?" Alice asks.

"I don't know. On the one hand, I would because they killed my parents but on the other hand I wouldn't kill them. The death of my parents made me realise what a terrible thing it is to take someone's life away from them."

"Yeah, but this is war. In war, morals and ethics don't apply."

"That's not true," I reason, "yes, in a life threatening situation I'd kill them but otherwise it's just murder."

"I'd kill a Death Eater. They're killing all those children and innocent Muggles for no other reason than Blood Status. Who's avenging _them_? Who's protecting _their_ honour?"

"War is one of the most terrible things you can inflict on the human race," I'm surprised to find myself quoting Dumbledore. "Why would you want to impose _more_ pain?"

"Pah. They're heartless bastards. The lot of 'em," Alice dismisses.

I exhale, it's hard to make Alice see straight when she's in this mood. Mar and I call it her Vampire mood - when she rejects the idea that humans have feelings and just wants murder and blood. It's usually when she's either tired or really fed up with life which is most likely down to hormones.

* * *

><p>SEVERUS' P.O.V<p>

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><p>"…and I told him that I loved him and he –he didn't –he didn't… he didn't say it back, Severus!" Narcissa paces up and down the common room.<p>

Narcissa and Lucius have been going through a shaky patch at the minute. A trivial problem to me. I have more pressing matters to deal with - like finding something to offer the Dark Lord and how to protect Lily until I find that something.

"Oh… that's appalling…" I say as she looks at me intently, waiting for a response.

"I know! And then just a few hours ago, I was talking about the wedding and he just said 'yeah, whatever, listen I need to sort something out'. Can you _believe_ that?"

"No, it's abysmal."

Narcissa then warbles on about all the conversations she's had with Lucius which may convey some hidden intentions. Merlin, I wish she'd shut up and get into perspective. Who cares about what Lucius says? No, I care about Lily's life and the rest of the Wizarding world.

"…what if he doesn't love me anymore?" that's when I snap back to what she's saying. She breaks down into sobs.

"Oh Narcissa…" I put my arm around her as she sits down.

Despite the fact that I find her boy problems irritating and a nuisance, I hate seeing her upset. She's the closest thing I have to family.

"I know it's silly. I mean we're getting married! He must love me but then again… if he didn't marry me for love, our marriage would probably be arranged anyway. Bella and Lestrange have been engaged since Bella was eight and I think it'll work out for them. Everything works out for Bella."

"That's not true. Her hair isn't working out for her at the moment and she doesn't even care about love and marriage and all that stuff. The stuff you care about is often hard to get, you have to work for it which is why you care about it so much."

"I suppose you're right."

"Really?"

"Yeah. You know you're like a brother to me, Severus."

"I know and you're the sister I never had."

"It's nice isn't it?"

"What is?"

"Having a family."

"I presume so."

"It is," she insists, "complete unconditional love and support."

"It is nice," I say at last.

I remember the family Narcissa wants to have: Draco and Cassiopeia. I feel a surge of protectiveness. How could I forget? It's not just Lily and Narcissa I'm protecting. It's Narcissa's dream and happiness which is also important to me.

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><p>JAMES' P.O.V<p>

THE DAY OF THE ANIMA CHARM

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><p>We all file into the hall. I catch Lily's eye from across the hall, she smiles at me nervously. I grin back. Padfoot's grouchy because he had to get up earlier than usual.<p>

"What right have they got, pulling us out of bed at this un-Merlin-ly hour?"

"You should go to sleep earlier then," Moony counters.

"That's not possible! I have a _girlfriend_, Moony."

"So does Prongs."

"Yeah and Prongs doesn't have a sex life," Padfoot smirks.

"Shut up," I mumble.

"No, I'm curious Prongs. What _do_ you do with Evans?"

"That's none of your business, Padfoot."

"Aw come on, we tell each other everything."

"We're not girls."

"So? Do girls have dibs on telling each other everything? Who decided that was girly thing, anyway? If I want to talk to my fellow Marauders then I vote I should be able to. Freedom of speech and all. Besides, Prongs, if Evans caught you being sexist –"

"Just shut the fuck up, Padfoot."

"All right, all right, message understood. You don't want to talk about it."

_What do I do with Evans?_ As if that's any of his business at all. Not that there's anything much to hide. We just snog and occasionally end up naked. Nothing more. She usually stops before we get too far and I don't want to push her. If it takes time, it takes time and love isn't all about sex. Lily and I are quite intimate – we talk loads and tell each other everything. Merlin, now I'm being hypocritical. Besides, if I did push her well… it would suck to go back to the way things were in fourth, fifth and sixth year. We have an understanding of one another, whether that's the whole soul mate thing or maybe we both just really like talking. We also like reading which helps because I've dated some girls who have no interest in anything but sex. Actually, the one topic Lily doesn't like discussing -other than Snivellus- are my ex-girlfriends.

"Welcome students! I hope you've all done some reading on the Anima Charm and Marriage Law. If not, never mind, I will go through everything now. The Anima Charm will be cast on your arm; the magic will travel to your soul where all the information we need will be stored. We will pair so that the Purebloods are spread out among the Muggle-borns, we will pair people up according to intelligence and your family's wealth and title. Hopefully this will lead to your child being brought up in a respected and safe environment. Please stay in the hall until 12 o'clock. You will get your pairs back over the Christmas holidays. Have a good day."

The Minister of Magic walks away from the podium and a couple of dozen Ministry officials come around to cast the charm. This is going to take ages. I look for Lily but I can't find her.

"You know last night, McKinnon and I –"

"Let me stop you right there, Padfoot," Moony says, "I really don't want to know."

"What I was going to say," Padfoot whispers to me and Wormtail, "is that we did it in the broom cupboard on the third floor so if you heard noises…"

"Disgusting, Padfoot."

"Hey! Are you afraid of sex of something?"

"No, I just don't need to know. Anyway, a _broom cupboard_?"

"Well yeah, where else can we do it?"

"The dormitory?"

"Nah, you guys are always there and Moony doesn't appreciate sex in the dorms. Being a prefect and all," Padfoot frowns at Moony who rolls his eyes. "You're so lucky having your own Common Room and dorm, Prongs."

"Seriously, a _broom cupboard_? It's not…"

"What?"

"It's not very romantic."

"McKinnon and I don't do romance."

"What do you do then?" Wormtail asks stupidly.

"Sex, duh. Were you even listening Wormtail?"

"Yeah," Wormtail says idiotically.

"You know when they were handing out brains, I think Wormtail got lost on his way there," Padfoot shakes his head disbelievingly.

"Or he did get there, but lost his brain the minute he touched it," I suggest.

"Guys," Moony says, disapprovingly.

"What?" Padfoot and I both demand in unison.

"You've got to stop picking on Wormtail."

"Why? It's not our fault he can't stick up for himself."

"No, but we're supposed to be friends. Even closer, right? We're the Marauders! And Wormtail is one of us too."

"We'll try to include him next time, mother," Padfoot says, mimicking a girlish tone.

"You're such a twat," Moony says.

"I know," Padfoot says briskly, "why is this taking so long? I could have slept longer!"

"You're a lazy git," Wormtail pipes up.

"I must be so tired, I'm hallucinating. 'Cause I just heard Wormtail say something which wasn't brain-dead," Padfoot says.

"You're not hallucinating, I said something witty."

"I wouldn't go as far as witty but… sure."

I remember the last time Wormtail came up with something vaguely intelligent – which was a long time ago. Merlin bless Wormtail. If he wasn't there, we wouldn't have half the fun and light-hearted conversations we do. He makes any situation less serious.

A witch comes over and casts the charm over my arm, I feel an out-of-body experience as the magic runs through my veins. It's sort of cold but nice. Then the witch moves on.

* * *

><p>HEAD BOY AND GIRL'S COMMON ROOM<p>

* * *

><p>"Thank you, by the way," Lily says.<p>

"For what exactly?"

"Agreeing to come with me to meet Tuney and Vernon."

"It's nothing; it would be criminal to make you go by yourself."

"Still, they're both a handful. Vernon especially. He'll probably try and provoke you but try not to retaliate. I am a little annoyed with Tuney because she always wanted to go to university and study Physics but _Vernon_ wants her to get a low-paid job at most or preferably stay at home and be a housewife. I said that was out of order. Tuney always wanted to have a career and a decent job and do her own thing but she can't stand up to Vernon. He's been telling her things, making her a lot more judgemental and snobbish. I just don't know what to do. Tuney deserves so much better but she just doesn't want to hear it. Vernon's her whole world; she's become so dependent on him."

"Then the best you can do is to support her. If she's not listening to what you're saying and her mind is set, then the only thing you can do is help her if it goes wrong."

"Yeah but isn't it my duty to make sure she isn't in that situation in the first place?"

"You're her sister, not her guardian."

"I suppose," she sighs, "I just feel so useless. If she gets hurt in this relationship, I'll never forgive myself."

"You need to stop worrying about other people. Do something you want to do for a change."

"That would be nice," she says thoughtfully, "I've been running around being sociable and helping people with _their_ problems all day. Thanks for listening by the way."

"Anytime."

**Jily action commencing. You have been warned, it's mostly just talk of the sex, though.**

She gets up from where she's sitting next to me on the sofa. I frown a little. Why has she moved? She then turns to face me and sits down again, straddling my waist. We've never done this before. She's so _close_ to me. We've never been this physically close before.

"W-what?" I splutter.

"Sh! I can see you over-thinking this! I'm doing what _I _want. If you want me to stop…"

"No!"

She kisses me on the lips. We kiss harder, I take her shirt off and she takes mine off. She starts taking off her bra before I have a chance to admire her. I take off my trousers, she takes off hers'. Then we're both naked and kissing hard. I shift her to the side so her back is on the sofa and I'm on top of her. Our hands are roaming each other's bodies. Every time one of us finds a spot which the other really likes, we respond by moaning.

She pushes up from underneath me and pushes me so that she's on top of me. She sits up so she's straddling my waist again. The burning passion and desire is almost too much to handle but we haven't really talked about sex. We should really talk about it beforehand.

"What do _you_ want?" she asks me, sincerely.

"Merlin, Lily you _know_ what I want. It's more of a case of what _you_ want."

"What does that mean? Are you calling me prude?" she looks at me accusatorially.

"No. It's just, you've always stopped us before we get too far and I thought –"

"Yeah well I've been thinking about it a lot and I don't want to do it just because some law says we have to. I want to do it on my own terms."

"And what exactly is 'it'?" I tease her.

"You know what," she blushes, "sex."

"If you're going to get embarrassed by just _saying_ 'sex' then are you sure you're ready to actually do it?"

"Yes."

"Right," I say, slightly taken aback. Of course I'd thought about it but I'd never actually thought about it happening for real.

"Is that all you can say? 'Right'?"

"What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know. Something sweet? What do you normally say to girls when they agree to have sex with you?"

"What makes you think they agree to have sex with _me_ and not the other way 'round?"

"Ugh, come on really? Do even remember how you were one or two years ago?"

"Okay, you got me. But we normally don't talk. She says yes then we just get to it."

"I take it you're life has lacked romance until now then?"

"To be honest, I never noticed it until now."

"What are you saying?"

"I. Love. You."

"And I love you too, soul mate."

"Did you just say 'soul mate'?"

"Yeah, Mar and Alice kind of persuaded me."

"Looks like I was right."

"Yeah, it does."

Lily shifts and every cell in my body burns. Her breath hitches. She stands up.

"So… how do we do this?"

"What did you say earlier? Because this time _you're_ over-thinking things. Just relax, do what feels right."

She pulls a face. "And if I do it wrong?"

"Who's ever heard of Lily Evans doing something wrong?"


	31. A Disastrous First Meeting

**A/N:**** Hello! Here is another chapter for you. The year is still 1977, so quite a way to go. Lily and James graduate in 1978 so come to think of it, we're not far off. Thank you for sticking with this story, it is my first Fanfic but I hope it's not too bad. **

**Once again, I do not own the Harry Potter franchise, all credit goes to J K Rowling and no copyright infringement is intended.**

**I hope you enjoy this chapter! Have a good day.**

* * *

><p>THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAYS<p>

THE MCKINNON (PREV. LIGHTWOOD) MANSION

LILY'S P.O.V

* * *

><p>"I cannot believe I'm paired with Remus," Alice says, throwing her letter on Mar's kitchen table with abhorrence.<p>

"What's wrong with Remus?" I ask, scowling at her.

"Nothing's wrong with _Remus_. It's just, everybody else gets cool pairings and I'm stuck with the smart guy."

"And what's wrong with smart guys?" Mar asks, waving her wand at the juice carton so that it pours three glasses of orange juice.

"Well, a number of things. First of all, the romance –"

"Is awkward but actually really sweet," Mar cuts in.

"Hm," Alice pulls a face, "and then there's the kissing –"

"Not all smart guys are bad at kissing. True, they tend not be very experienced but they sure learn fast," Mar chuckles at her own joke.

"Still, a _nerd_?" Alice scoffs.

"You happen to be best friends with the biggest female nerd in our year," I say, raising my eyebrows at her.

"That's different, this is _marriage_," the three glasses of orange juice float over to where we're leaning on the table.

"Would you rather marry Amos?" Mar asks.

"No," Alice sighs, "I guess I've got nothing to complain about then."

"That's a first," Mar mutters, taking a sip of orange juice.

"You two were _so _lucky."

"Yeah, we are," I smile to myself. I got James in my paring and Mar got Sirius. It was one of the happiest moments of my life.

"What are you doing this Christmas?" Alice asks, after a while.

"Well, I'm seeing my sister and her fiancée with James at a Muggle restaurant which I'm half assuming will be a disaster. Then on Christmas Day, I'm spending it with the Potters and Sirius."

"Of course," Mar laughs, "because you live there now."

"Hardly, I'm mostly at your mansion or at Hogwarts. James sent me an owl yesterday saying he missed me."

"Already?" Alice teases, "it's only been a _day_."

"I know but we're used to spending a load of time with each other."

"So much so, you neglect your best friends," Mar says, giving me a cold look.

"Like you don't spend most of your time with Sirius," I snort.

"We spend the nights together, the rest of my time is dedicated to my social life."

"Oh about spending nights with people…" I blush heavily.

"You did it, didn't you?" Mar's face cracks into a mad grin.

"Yeah."

"Why? I thought you wanted to wait until marriage."

"I did, but that was when I thought I'd be able to marry whomever I wanted. I was worried I wouldn't be paired with James and I wanted him to be my first and for us to do it because we love each other not because some law says we have to."

"So? Details?"

"It was… painful at first but after that it was quite enjoyable."

"Get you, Lil. So grown up," Mar smiles. I feel a little sad, that sounds like something my mother would say. Though I doubt she'd be proud of me for losing my virginity.

"So this means none of us are virgins then?" Alice says.

"You…?" I look at her bewildered.

"Yeah," she turns pink, "with Amos."

"You did it with that _git_?" Mar asks, dumbfounded.

"I didn't know what I was doing!" she says defensively. "I thought it was what he wanted."

"What about what _you_ wanted?" I scowl at her.

"Look, I just did whatever made him happy. I didn't particularly like it or want to do it again."

"Just like Lily and her first kiss then," Mar smirks.

"I was _trying_ to forget that experience," I groan.

"We're never letting you forget."

"I don't even know why I'm friends with you two."

"Because you love us dearly even though we humiliate you."

"Whatever you say," I smile at them both. I really do love my best friends. What would I do without them?

* * *

><p>DINNER AT THE MUGGLE RESTAURANT<p>

JAMES' P.O.V

* * *

><p>It's six o'clock and Lily hasn't turned up yet. Mind you, she did say ten past but still. I followed her advice and dressed smartly, I don't want another reason for this Vernon to dislike me. Then someone taps me on the shoulder. I turn around. It's Lily. She's pinned back the front parts of her curly ginger hair so that it hangs elegantly down her back and around her shoulders without getting in her face. She's wearing a dark blue silky shirt and a red skirt.<p>

"You look dazzling," I tell her. She smiles and stands on her tiptoes to kiss me.

"So do you, very handsome."

"Are you nervous?"

"Am I ever? I'm quivering inside."

"It'll be fine."

"I put an awful lot of trust in you, James."

"You just love me too much."

"I do," she says very seriously.

I kiss her again.

"Ready?" she says when we pull away. "Let's meet the monsters."

"I hope you're joking," I say. She just smiles in response.

We walk into the restaurant, Lily leading the way. How odd. There are people holding trays and plates, what a waste of time and energy. Lily sits down at a table with a thin sullen blonde woman and a rather large man with a red face of a pig. So this is Lily's existing family. I assume her parent's looks were inherited only by her. I dread to think what _their_ children will look like.

"Hello, this is my fiancé, James Potter. James this is Tuney –"

"Petunia!" the twig-like and apparently judgemental woman snaps.

"Sorry, this is my sister _Petunia_ and her fiancé Vernon Dursley."

I hold out my hand. Vernon turns his snout up at it and grunts.

"Pleased to meet you," Petunia sniffs.

"And you," I say politely.

We sit in an awkward silence.

"So, Petunia, why don't you tell James how you and Vernon met?" Lily asks, after a while.

"I left Cokeworth when _your lot_ burned down my house," I begin to open my mouth to protest but Lily kicks me. "I went to London to do a typing course which led to my getting a clerical job. I met Vernon at the company, he was junior executive –"

"I'm now a salesman, in drills. Grunnings, you've heard it, have you?" Vernon cuts Petunia off.

"I can't say I have," I say, confused. What is a drill?

"Well, if you ever need a drill we have the best. I met darling Petunia at my previous company. She took my fancy, you see. So I courted her, took her on a few dates and then proposed to her in the living room of my mother's house!" he chortles.

Petunia forces an endearing smile at her hysterical husband.

"And how – did you two – er – meet?" Petunia asks, lining up her cutlery which was already straight.

"I met him on the train to Hogwarts –"

"We said we wouldn't talk about," Petunia lowers her voice, "_that place_."

"Fine," Lily says snappily, "we met on the train to school."

"She hated me at first," I smile at her, "but I won her over."

"This school," Vernon says, leaning forward so I can see all seven of his chins, "this is the one for freaks?"

"We're not freaks," Lily says tautly.

"Petunia?" Vernon asked, his eyebrows furrowed into his giant pink head.

Petunia nodded curtly in confirmation. Is everything she does always so cold?

Petunia and Lily started talking to each other in short clipped-toned whispers.

"So, fellow… what car do you drive?"

"Car?" what is a car? Oh wait! I remember, Lily said Muggles use them to get around.

"I drive a Vauxhall Chevette. Very good, correct car you see," he says proudly, sticking out his chest.

Ah, so they boast about their 'cars' like we do about our brooms.

"I don't drive a… car."

"No I don't suspect you do," he says, staring at me with a look oozing superiority. He's a bit too smug for my liking.

I scowl. This man and his so called 'car' will not get the better of me.

"You see… _fellow_, we don't drive 'cars'. I have a broomstick. A Nimbus 1700, one of the finest racing brooms ever made."

"A broomstick? Like what you sweep floors with?"

"No," I say, annoyed, this Muggle is certainly slow on the uptake, "one which you fly on."

"Oh, like those witches on Halloween? I do despise Halloween. Completely abnormal behaviour, it's disgraceful."

"You don't like abnormal behaviour do you?"

"Of course not! What is it you do for a living anyway?"

"I'm still at school, studying for my NEWTS."

"Brainy, eh? Smart people never get anything good in life."

"Is that so?" this man is infuriating.

"Mhm, I was telling Petunia the other day, education is necessary. Once you can leave, you should. Get a job, start doing your bit. Settle down. You know, normal behaviour. Look at me, went to Smeltings then got a job and now here I am with a wonderful fiancé."

"What have you got against education and knowledge?"

"Well," Vernon considers this, stroking one of his chins, "I suppose it's more to do with the thinking. Such a dull and thinky subject, education. No. One is better off getting the experience over with."

"In the Wizarding World, we value intelligence very highly."

"You would," he snorts, "being freaks. Petunia told me all about your lot. A bunch of horrid nasty people which burn down houses. That's why you're in your world and we're in ours. It's for own protection."

"Petunia told you that?"

"Yes she did."

"And what exactly does Petunia know about the Wizarding World?"

"Enough," he barks, "enough to know that your lot are strange and to be avoided."

He takes a drink from his beer. I crack my knuckles under the table. The only reason I'm not at this pompous bastard's throat is because of Lily. Get through this dinner for Lily.

"Such a waste," he says bitterly, "your lot clogging up the world, draining our expenses because you all live on unemployment benefits!"

"You think we _need_ Muggles?" I demand. I've just about had it with this man.

"What on Earth is a moo-gull? Speak English, fellow!"

"A non-magical person," I say impatiently, "besides, I don't live off your unemployment benefits."

"Well of course you do, how else would you afford living expenses?"

"I have a vault, at Gringotts. Full of Galleons, you know, gold. My parent's fortune."

"Ha! Galleons indeed. You're having me on, aren't you? There's no such thing as a Gringotts!"

"No, really, I am very financially comfortable."

"Pah! Don't you play games with me, fellow! Your lot are a load of freakish unemployed dependant twits!"

"No we're not. I'm telling you _fellow_, we wizards and witches don't care for your Muggle money at all."

"You're joking. That's –that's –preposterous! There can't –can't be! You're lying –this freak is lying Petunia!"

"No! Why can't you get it into your thick head that we don't need Muggles to survive?"

"PETUNIA!" he roars, going red with rage, "we're leaving! I did not come here to be made a fool of!"

I watch as he storms out of the restaurant, Petunia following on her spindly legs behind. Lily bursts into tears. I leave a check on the table and Lily and I leave the restaurant. Thunder rumbles outside and rain falls heavily. Could this day get any worse?

* * *

><p>THE POTTER MANSION<p>

* * *

><p>"I just can't believe it went that badly!" she says, dropping her bag on my hallway. Well, technically it's her hallway too.<p>

"I know."

"They're the most heinous couple I've ever met! He's so conceited! A conceited ignoramus!"

"I know."

"And Petunia! Dear God, that girl has changed. She had the nerve to say I should leave my freakish life and be normal – so that we could stay sisters. I told her the idea was ridiculous, of course. As for her job… I really don't know what to say. She's not working, of course. No, she's settled in nicely in this perfect house in Surrey! _Surrey_! She didn't even tell me she was moving to Surrey. The last I heard, she was thinking about university so she could take her career further. Then all of a sudden she's a housewife at home. Sitting about all day. She had all these plans and what came out of it? Nothing."

Lily practically peels off her coat which is so soaked; it's stuck to her body. She sighs as she sits down on the first stair case and yanks off her boots.

"I'm going to have a bath," she says, turning to go up the stairs. Then she stops, "thanks for enduring the train crash with me."

"You're welcome, Lil. I'll see you in a bit?"

"Yeah," she smiles before turning on her heel – Apparating away.

* * *

><p>LILY'S P.O.V<p>

* * *

><p>I turn on the bath taps with a flick of my wand, the smell of lavender and lemongrass reaches my nose. What a night.<p>

I strip off all my clothes, grab my dressing gown and pull it around me. After everything that's happened, I just need to rest. I hear my bedroom door open. I go out of the bathroom to see who it is.

"Padfoot," I beam at him.

"Hey, Evans. How was your dinner?"

"Catastrophic. Absolutely awful."

"I'm sorry to hear that. James said something about a pompous pig?"

"Oh," I laugh, "he means my sister's fiancé, Vernon."

"He sounds unbearable, why did you agree to go?"

"Because they're family."

"I suppose that makes sense, even if they are complete idiots, family is family."

"You'd understand better than most," I rest my head on the doorframe, "is there a point to this conversation?"

"Do you not enjoy my company Evans? But yes, there is a point, so your sister's getting married over the holidays, right?"

"In three days, yes."

"Yeah, well I heard that my darling cousin Narcissa is getting married to the Malfoy snake."

"And why should this interest me?"

"It shouldn't, but the wedding falls on the same day as your sister and Snivellus and Bellatrix will be attending… with the venues only thirty miles apart, the probability of running into them is quite high –"

"And you're worried I'll go into some kind of fit of panic and terror and die just from seeing them?"

"It sounds silly when you say it like that, but yes."

"I'll be fine. I'm completely over the whole thing."

"Really?" he asks, doubtfully, "because your nightmares…"

"And how would you know about then?" I ask hotly.

"You kind of shout in your sleep. It's hard _not_ to hear you."

"Oh. Well don't worry. I've got it under control."

"Hmmm… Moony is coming over soon. Dorea asked him to stay for Christmas."

"What about his family?" I frown.

"Family issues."

"Does this mean Wormy's coming as well?"

"No, why should it mean that?"

"Well, you never invite Moony without inviting Wormtail as well. You always said there's no point in having only three Marauders."

"Well Wormtail's busy," Sirius says shortly.

"Did you guys fall out or something?"

"Yeah, or something."

"What's up?"

"Like I'm going to tell you," he scoffs. I look pointedly into his eyes. "Fine! He's always off doing his own business and we think he's borrowing Prong's cloak 'cause he doesn't show up on the map and he won't tell us where he's going. It's a little suspicious!"

"Is Wormy not allowed to have a life?"

"But that's the problem! Wormtail's never had a life before. It's weird. Almost as weird as the time Prongs and I caught Wormtail and his fiancé Melanie Clearwater kissing. Either Clearwater's blind or under some kind of spell –"

"Or she'll kiss anything in trousers."

"Not jealous, are you?"

"Any girl is _welcome_ to Wormy, in fact, I wish her all the best with him."

"Not about Wormtail, Evans. We all know you hate Clearwater. Why is that again?"

"Piss off, if you're going to be annoying, you can get out."

"That's no way to talk to your brother-in-law."

"You're not my brother yet."

"As good as."

"Good night, Padfoot."

"Aw come on Evans, we were having a nice chat."

"Don't you have Mar to talk to?"

"She's in Italy, I think."

"Really? I thought she was visiting family in Wales."

"Same thing."

"Wales and Italy are definitely _not _the same thing. I need to sleep."

"I'll see you tomorrow."

"Only if I'm unlucky," I call after him.


	32. Winter Weddings

**A/N:**** Hello again, this update is long overdue, so sorry about that. As you know, I do not own the Harry Potter franchise, all credit to J K Rowling and no copyright infringement is intended. **

**There is some Jily action in this chapter.**

**Please review! **

* * *

><p>SEVERUS' P.O.V<p>

THE DAY OF NARCISSA AND PETUNIA'S WEDDINGS

AT THE CHAPEL

* * *

><p>Today is the day when Narcissa and Lucius will marry. I've had to put up with Narcissa's nervous jitters all day. All I've been doing is complimenting her, reassuring her, helping her, calming her down when she gets panicky, smiling at her family, making small talk with her annoying relatives and friends, hopelessly attempting to be enthusiastic and putting up with people in general. Now I remember why I'm never nice to anyone – it's takes up way too much of my time.<p>

This one particular aunt of hers had the audacity to look at me with pity and say 'It must be awful to watch the girl of your dreams get married before your eyes whilst sitting back idly'. I just walked away at that. Sure, Narcissa is pretty and she's funny and sweet. But that doesn't mean I'm in love with her. I mean, have you seen Lily Evans? I'm in love with Lily Evans and the saddest part of that revelation is that she doesn't feel the same way. Whenever we pass, I can see the reflection of her screams in her eyes. Then I feel despicable and cowardly, how could I do that to her? Then again, her and Potter have been spending a lot of time together, maybe I'm not the only one joining the enemy. Apparently they were paired together. I think that's just hearsay, as if Lily would marry Potter. Anyone in their right mind…

I look across the road from the chapel Narcissa's is getting married in to the long road which leads to a small church. Lily Evans is walking down that road, looking beautiful as always, with none other than Potter walking next to her. He puts his arm around her waist and she pushes him away when he leans in to kiss her. I smile smugly. He pushes her back. I feel deflated again; they're only being playful with each other. I'd hoped they were arguing. He then grabs her hand and they walk along happily, their movements as one.

What right has he got to be there? It should be me making her laugh, like I once used to. It should be me making her smile, like I once used to. Potter has no right to take everything I love away from me. Is bullying me and messing up my life not a big enough victory for him? Must he hurt me further by taking away the girl I love? So called justice. People like him always get the easy life, the rest of us have to work for it.

"Severus?" Narcissa calls from the hallway.

"Yeah?" I yell back.

"Can you help me with my dress?"

"Why can't Bellatrix do it?" I whine as she comes in, her hands on her hips.

"Because she doesn't want to."

"_I_ don't want to."

"Please Severus, for me?" she pouts.

"Urgh, fine."

I help her zip up her dress and tie all the ribbons. This is the first and last time I do anything to do with wedding dresses. Narcissa's is emerald green and she took my advice and some of her hair has silver braided into it. She really does look pretty.

"Do I look okay?" she asks, looking worried.

"Of course you do, you look amazing. Lucius will be mesmerised."

"You really think so?"

"Yeah, I just said so, didn't I?"

"Thanks for coming today, Severus. I know you don't like being surrounded by people and I really appreciate it. None of my other friends offered to help me, not even Bella," Narcissa says bitterly.

"Yeah well, you don't want Bellatrix helping you. She'd mess it up somehow, curse all your guests or something."

"I guess," she cracks a smile.

"I can't believe you're getting _married_," I say.

"I know. It feels like everything's finally happening after all those years of dreaming."

"Promise not to disappear and leave me forever once you become a wife?"

"I pinky swear," she smiles, holding out her pinky. We join pinkies. I can't believe she still remembers that.

"I'm going to miss you," I say, choking down emotion which threatens to show.

"I'm not going anywhere, Severus. You're still my brother no matter what."

"I know. You deserve this, Narcissa. I want you to be happy."

"And I am happy, Severus."

"You're lucky, you know. Having somebody."

"Oh Severus, there are plenty of girls out there –"

"Not for me there's not."

"Still head over heels in love for her then?" Narcissa asks, sitting down next to me in her enormous dress.

"Yes. I've tried, Narcissa. I've tried so hard to forget all about her and carry on but I can't. I have no control over it. I love her and she's moved on. She doesn't care anymore and that's my fault."

"Don't you ever say that, Severus. Don't go blaming yourself for everything. What choice did you have? You had to join. She must know that."

"If she knows, why does she hate me so much?"

"I don't think she hates you. I think she feels betrayed and hurt and she doesn't know what to think. I think she still sees the boy from Spinner's End who used to be her best friend but now she also sees the man who wears the Dark Mark and who spilled her blood on purpose."

"The boy from Spinner's End is gone, Narcissa. He was weak and stupid."

"I think he was sweet and caring."

"You would."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You find the best in everyone. Doesn't it ever occur to you that some people are just evil?"

"Do you want me to hate you?"

"It would make more sense."

"Yeah, but I don't hate you. I think you're a good person who made mistakes. You're not an evil person doing evil. If that's what Lily thinks then she's the one who's weak and stupid."

"Why do you always have to spin it on her?"

"Because she's the problem, if you two just _talked_ about it then maybe you'd both get closure."

"That's a nice thought, Narcissa but –"

"Stop being so negative and don't dismiss my ideas until you've tried them."

"Don't you have a husband to marry or something?" I scowl at her.

"Oh yeah, I should find my house elf. Bye Severus."

"Bye Narcissa," I say as she leaves the room.

I suppose I could give talking to Lily a go but I doubt her bloody body guard would let her. Merlin damn Potter.

* * *

><p>JAMES' P.O.V<p>

WALKING TO CHURCH

* * *

><p>"I can't believe you invited <em>Padfoot<em> to your sister's wedding," I tell Lily.

"And Wormy and Moony," she says in a sing-song voice.

"Your sister's not going to like that."

"Well," Lily says defensively, "she didn't want me to be her bridesmaid."

"It's because you'll take everyone's attention away from her because you're so gorgeous," I say, putting my arm around her waist.

"Shut up," she says blushing, "it was going to be a dreary and dull affair –"

"Which is just how my in-laws like it."

"We're not married yet, Potter."

"Calling me Potter again?"

"Only when you're being stupid."

"Hey! You'll be a Potter soon, then you won't be able to use it as an insult."

"What if I don't want to change my name?"

"You have to, the Marriage Law says –"

"I have no independence or freedom. Yeah, I know. I'll be stuck with you as a good-for-nothing husband for the rest of my life," she smirks at me.

I lean in to kiss her but she pushes me away playfully. I push her back before sliding my hand into hers. We walk merrily to the church.

* * *

><p>IN THE CHURCH<p>

* * *

><p>Lily and I sit on a window seat watching the snow fall steadily and gracefully. Lily's snuggled up against my chest, much like a cat. I stroke her hair, her fragrance soothing me. Lily turns her head from the window to me and smiles. I love how she has a smile just for me and I can see everything I love about her – her strength, compassion, independence and strong-will – reflected in it. I lean in and kiss her as softly as the snow falls.<p>

It's times like this when I forget we're in the middle of a war. Being with Lily, it's easy to forget the murders and torture which surround us. I honestly don't know where I'd be without her, probably dead. The amount of times Lily's stopped me from doing stupidly reckless things, I don't care to count.

"What're you thinking?" she asks, concerned.

"Nothing," I lie.

"No, it's something. I know it is," she insists, sitting up so her body faces me. I shiver; it's cold now that her body's not pressed against my own.

"It's just the war. Everything happening and we're not fighting…"

"I know," she sighs, "it doesn't feel right or fair."

"I'm lucky to have you and I'm worried that I'll lose you in the war –"

"You won't lose me, if anything, I'll lose you," she says smugly. Yeah right, like she'd survive and I wouldn't.

"That's not likely at all," I snort.

"Then you losing me is impossible."

She curls back up against me and we go back to watching the snow settle.

"I don't want to get married in the winter," Lily says after a while.

"Why not?"

"Too cold."

"So when do you want to get married?"

"Summer holidays, 1978, next year."

"That's when we graduate."

"I know. I was thinking we could signify the end of our school career by getting married – then we can kill Death Eaters."

"I like that plan."

"Duh, because it's _my_ plan."

"Aren't we cocky, Evans?"

"Calling me Evans again?"

"Only when you're being stupid."

She smiles and we kiss again.

"Sorry to interrupt, love birds, but the service is about to start," Marlene pokes her head around the door.

"You invited Marlene as well?" I ask Lily, my eyebrows raised.

"And Alice," she says sheepishly.

"You really do want to cause havoc, don't you?"

"It's not that, I just wanted everyone to be with me on my sister's _special day_."

"Still bitter?" Marlene asks Lily.

"Well yeah, she's marrying a judgemental twat and she's almost just as bad. She blames me for their deaths and I'm not saying that's untrue but still. And Vernon didn't even want me at the wedding and Tuney almost went along with him. I put my foot down, though. I helped plan this wedding and my parents would want me to be here."

"Can't you forgive her? Make amends?" I suggest.

"Only when she apologises," Lily says, stubbornly.

Marlene sighs as if she and Lily have already been through this argument before.

"Come on then, let's get this horror over with."

* * *

><p>APPROACHING THE POTTER MANSION<p>

* * *

><p>The wedding was indeed a dull and dreary affair. The after-party, however, was spectacular. Padfoot somehow managed to smuggle in some Filibuster's fireworks which startled most of the guests. For the most part, the evening was very enjoyable particularly as I got to spend it with Lily. Vernon kept his distance which was a great relief apart from when he was talking to one of his Muggle friends and called me 'some magician'. A <em>magician<em>. I would have throttled him but Lily distracted me and we ended up leaving early. You could tell Petunia and Vernon were very pleased when our party of eight finally left.

The rest went home; Padfoot went with Marlene to some local hotel which meant (with my parents away on business) that Lily and I were in the mansion alone. My parents have been particularly wary of leaving the two of us alone, I don't think they want grandchildren just yet, at least not until I've left school. Padfoot winked at me, when he left with Marlene.

I need to set this straight; Lily and I haven't had sex since the first time at school. That was three or four weeks ago. It's not that either of us doesn't want to, it's more that there never seems to be an appropriate moment. Either she has to be out or I do, or we have guests, or it's way too late and we're both exhausted or we have places to be. Which is very frustrating but now we have the perfect opportunity and the time.

**Jily Action commencing. **

The mansion door slams shut and Lily and I walk into the hallway. I grab her waist and kiss her fervently. I push her against one of the walls and her legs come up to wraps around my waist.

"Do you remember this?" I ask her, as I unzip her dress which is ripped at the hip because you're not supposed to lift your legs in it.

"Mhm," she says against my neck, "do you remember this?"

She thrusts her body against my own. The next thing I know is that we're both naked and roaming each other's bodies with our hands.

"Are we going to do it standing?" she gasps between kisses.

"Who says we're going to do anything?" I tease her.

"I could just go…" even though I can't see her face as I kiss her collar bone, I know she's smirking.

"What if I don't let you?"

"I doubt you could stop me."

"Want a bet?" I growl.

"Are you sure _you_ want a bet? I'd hate to ruin the nice record you've got of always winning."

"I'll win. Because," I lift my head to look at her face, "you want to as well."

"You always were good at knowing what I want."

"Really? I thought you were quite difficult to read."

"Maybe that's what I wanted you to think."

I pick her up and carry her to the lounge, where I finish and fulfil every dream I've had since three or four weeks ago.

**Jily action over.**

* * *

><p>SEVERUS' P.O.V<p>

CONTEMPLATING HIS THOUGHTS AT THE END OF THE WEDDING

* * *

><p>So James and Lily are engaged and apparently they love each other. Am I heartbroken? No, only fools get their hearts broken. Am I angry? Yes. Am I angry at Lily? Yes. Am I angry with Potter? Absolutely. Do I want to tear them both apart and hurt them like they hurt me? Of course. Do I hate the both of them? Probably. Am I completely over her? No. Not even a little bit.<p>

How is this fair? I've tried everything. Memory charms, Occlumency, potions, therapy – everything. And yet I'm still in love with her. However, as I have learnt, life isn't fair. The sooner I get that into my head, maybe she'll get out of it.

I wonder if she cares what I'm feeling right now. I wonder if she knows what she's doing. I wonder if she knows that being with Potter will be the death of her. I wonder if she knows what she's signed herself up for.

I've decided that I'm a Death Eater. I'm no longer confused, being a Death Eater is the best way to protect Narcissa and Lily. I have a place and I know what I'm doing, for once.


End file.
